Lifestyle

The 99 problems with Montreal

Sure, it might be a blissful Summer in Montreal right now, but we’ve still got our fair share of headaches, from municipal embezzlement to poutine hangovers, and that means it’s time to indulge in your favorite cultural pastime: complaining. Here are Montreal's 99 problems...

1. Black ice
2. January’s heating bill
3. Condos. So. Many. Condos.
4. People complaining about condos
5. Saran-wrapping your windows
6. Sherbrooke and St. Laurent at 3am
7. One word: potholes
8. Potholes in bike lanes. You will get racked.
9. Potholes that swallow entire pieces of construction equipment
10. Indecipherable parking signs
11. Parking meter attendants who ruthlessly capitalize on indecipherable parking signs
12. The taco situation. We will pay $15 for a taco plate. We are that desperate.
13. Squirrels that steal your picnic at Parc Lafontaine
14. Tourists who take pictures of squirrels stealing your picnic at Parc Lafontaine
15. That green UFO light Downtown. WTF.

16. Beginners on Bixis
17. Which Hasidic bakery has the best chocolate babka? This could be your life’s work.
18. Contact strip clubs. A blessing or a curse?
19. Maple bacon donuts. They hurt so good.
20. Sitting in car traffic, and getting lapped by a Bixi
21. Corruption
22. The day after foie gras poutine
23. Our skewed perception of North and South
24. Two words: la chartre
25. So many churches, we have to convert them into music venues, libraries, and... condos
26. No one on the outside understands “all dressed”
27. Moving day
28. People who mistake Quebec for “Canada”
29. No right turn on red (legally)
30. We live on an island but have no beach. Oh cruelty.
31. Highest number of restaurants per capita in North America. The paradox of choice, yo.
32. Skyscrapers cannot be too tall. The mountain says so.
33. Bonjour? Hi?
34. Trying to flirt in Franglais. You will not get laid.
35. Frantic runs to the dep at 10:55pm
36. Stop hyping the "underground city", k? It sucks.
37. Standing in line at Schwartz’s
38. Rush hour on the 40
39. Rush hour on the Maisonneuve bike path

Bagels
Katherine Sehl

40. Fairmount vs. St. Viateur. Friendships are lost over this.
41. The near-death experience of crossing the Champlain Bridge
42. Silence when the Habs lose
43. Angry riots when the Habs win
44. The cost of cheese
45. Le slush
46. The implausible depths of slush puddles
47. Salt film on all your pants cuffs
48. All the rocks you’ll inevitably track into your foyer
49. Hug, kiss, or hand shake?
50. Commision Charbonneau
51. Constant festival FOMO
52. Paralysing indecision of choosing a Bilboquet flavor
53. Living in Cirque du Soleil headquarters; still unable to afford tickets
54. That dog owner: bags the poop, then leaves poop bag on the ground
55. Mosaics of cigarette butts as the snow melts
56. People complaining about the cold
57. People complaining about the heat
58. Everyone is young, sexy, and educated. No wonder we can’t get any work done.
59. Snow storms in May. It happens.
60. The ego battle that is McGill vs. Concordia
61. People who judge your terrible English

Merci Bucket
Katherine Sehl

62. People who judge your terrible French
63. The tow truck horn trolling the streets at 5am
64. Death by icicle impalement. The threat is real.
65. Getting your bike eaten by a sidewalk snowplough
66. The birds and the jackhammers start at 6am sharp
67. Losing just one mitten
68. The Metro during Nuit Blanche
69. Wait, Montreal has a soccer team?
70. It’s -30 outside, and the bus just doesn’t come. Ever.
71. Man buns as a perfectly acceptable fashion
72. Sidewalk sales. All they really sell are sheets, socks, and underwear.
73. That whole year we suffered without Romados
74. The temptation and inevitable disappointment of $2 street noodles
75. Standing in line at La Banquise
76. No longer being able to sneak into Piknic Elektronik
77. Police brutality
78. The inevitable contact high at Tam-Tams
79. Language laws
80. The solid 10 minutes you spend removing coats, scarves, and boots before entering the house

Smoked meat
Katherine Sehl

81. Did you just call smoked meat “pastrami”? Friendship over.
82. The slanting floor in your apartment
83. Frozen nose hairs
84. Stand to the right on the escalators. Where you from, New Brunswick?
85. There are no jobs here. Seriously, none.
86. Dodging drug offers at Berri-UQAM
87. Rent is so cheap, it will spoil you forever
88. Sound ordinances that shut down indie music venues
89. The fashions of Le Bal en Blanc
90. Still never getting a secret invite to Dîner en Blanc
91. When people discover your favorite hidden bar
92. Food trucks are effin expensive
93. Trying to understand why the rest of the world hasn’t legalized gay marriage. We did that s**t in 2004.
94. Except for these places, let’s be honest, our pizza sucks
95. Bike fatalities
96. Trying to not get fat in a city of poutine, croissants, and artisanal donuts
97. Stairs on the outside of buildings. How is that practical in a snowstorm?
98. Standing in line at Kem CoBa
99. Three words: Non-refrigerated cheese curds. (Just kidding. Those are awesome.)