Lifestyle

The 13 Worst Decisions You Can Make in Montreal

Hey, champ! We’re not sure exactly what happened between the French settlers and the opening of third-wave coffee shops, but somewhere along the way, we figured out what should NOT be done in Montreal. You’ve been warned. 
 

1. Going out because you really want to dance

This city, weirdly, has no dancing bars -- at least not for anyone not over 23 years old. Unless you feel like going to a club or concert, stay home. A kitchen floor is your best bet.

2. Getting that late-night $2 chow mein on The Main

Congratulations, you now have diarrhea. 
 

3. Going to Mile End because it’s the artsy, hipster 'hood

At least half of the hipster bohos you’ll spot are actually just hobos. But hey, it’s a fine line.

4. Thinking that tipping is a cute, optional, local custom

No, service wasn’t “included in your bill.”  
 

5. Thinking you can just find a seat at a coffee shop

Is it mid-term period? End-of-semester season? Study time? Half the city is permanently “studying,” while the other half is working from "home" (also known as "coffee shops"). 
 

6. Lounging in a park during a nice summer day, thinking you can relax

That’s exactly what the jugglers on unicycles, tight-rope walkers, hula hoopers, awfully loud guitar players, and people who play sports that involve objects that could hit you in the face at any moment will not let you do.

7. Thinking that cyclists will politely wait for their turn to cross the street

Nope, never happens. 
 

8. Thinking that cars will politely wait for their turn to cross the street

Nope, never happens. 
 

9. Thinking that pedestrians will politely wait for their turn to cross the street

Nope, never happens. See a pattern forming?

10. Bringing up language politics and/or the Quebec independence question

Sober, that is. 
 

11. Not factoring in the wind chill

Sure, the mercury may read a balmy -30, but the real temperature is a shade below that...

12. Coming here thinking we are a “little piece of Europe”

Hey, we’ve been to Europe too. This isn't it. 
 

13. Moving here to get a job

Hey, at least rent is cheap!