Lifestyle

15 Hilariously True Insights on Dating From Aziz Ansari

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Aziz Ansari has given us a lot of laughs -- as Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation, as his hip-hop-loving self in various stand-up specials, and as a key member of the criminally underappreciated sketch show, Human Giant. Not satisfied being everyone's favorite goofball, he just wrote a book, Modern Romance: An Investigation, exploring the trends, frustrations, and utter ridiculousness of dating in the digital era.

It might seem like an odd move for a man whose previous social critiques didn't go much further than declaring Cold Stone Creamery the epicenter of American greed. But turns out Aziz has some surprisingly poignant, and unsurprisingly hilarious, things to say on the subject of love.

"If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness."
-- Modern Romance stand-up tour

"The whole idea of love is scary -- so is being with someone for the rest of your life and being happy with them for the rest of your life. There's lots of research to suggest that, actually, love's not really that simple."
-- Time Out: London 6/4/2013

"We want something that’s very passionate, or boiling, from the get-go. In the past, people weren’t looking for something boiling; they just needed some water. Once they found it and committed to a life together, they did their best to heat things up. Now, if things aren’t boiling, committing to marriage seems premature. But searching for a soul mate takes a long time and requires enormous emotional investment. The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the 'perfect person' that simply didn’t exist in the past when 'good enough' was good enough."
-- Modern Romance

"I was in a relationship for a few years and I think in the time I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively to text. You can’t call anybody anymore, if you call people: 'What are you on fire? Quit wasting my time, text me that shit!' "
-- Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious

"Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket."
-- Time 6/4/2015

"Asking a new person to go on a romantic outing has never been easy. It means declaring your attraction to someone and putting yourself out there in a huge way, while risking the brutal possibility of rejection -- or, in the modern era, even an unexplained, icy-cold silence."
-- Modern Romance

"If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word 'hey' ten times in a row without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of her boobs? Even if you are just looking for a casual hookup, do you really think this will work? And if so, do you really want to bone someone who responds to this? Yet people send these kinds of text messages all the time. I can only conclude that it's because it's so easy to forget that you're talking to another human being and not a bubble."
-- Modern Romance

"Now if someone likes you and you don’t like them back, you just pretend to be busy forever. That’s what people do now, they pretend to be busy forever, then they conduct this strange psychological experiment, where it’s like, 'How much hope does this person have?' "
-Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden

"One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.' That was it. I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'He remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.' Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of literally every voicemail in history. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication.' "
-- Modern Romance

"If passionate love is the coke of love, companionate love is like having a glass of wine or smoking a few hits of some mild weed."
-- Modern Romance

"I see people my age getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like 'What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?' "
-Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive

"Hey, so we've been hanging out together all the time, spending a lot of time together and everything... I wanna keep doing that 'til you're dead. I wanna keep hanging out with you 'til one of us dies. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement."
-- Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive (on why marriage is a ridiculous concept)

"Online dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have. In fact, most of us have no clue what we're doing. One reason is that people don't always know what they're looking for in a soul mate, unlike when they're picking something easier, like laundry detergent (big ups to Tide Mountain Spring — who doesn't want to their clothes to smell like a fresh mountain spring?!)."
-- Modern Romance

"Often, when you’re out in the single world meeting people, you meet someone you like, get their number, and put it right in your phone, transforming them into an ‘option’ that lives in your device. Sometimes you and that option engage in some phone-based interaction and you meet up in person. But sometimes that exchange never happens. That potentially cool, exciting person dies there, buried in your phone."
-- Modern Romance

"There’s something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we’ll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn’t clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options."
-- Modern Romance

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Joe Oliveto is a writer for Thrillist. He wants to know more about Aziz's cousin, Harris. Follow him on Twitter.