Why you’re going home at 2am
Yes, "twentysomething I’ve befriended because you’re infinitely more fun than friends my age," I am leaving. Because I’ve seen the other side of 2am, and it looks like a nasty case of chlamydia. Also, sleep > Molly.
Your date’s age
When your date looks at the college diploma on your wall and says “Wow, that’s the year I graduated from fifth grade!” the bags around your eyes feel just THAT much heavier.
How many people they hooked up with last weekend
That’s cool that you still count how many people you’ve slept with, but at my age, locker-room stories about one-night stands all kind of run together. So do me a favor and act like you’ve been there before.
Anything involving EDM
Paul van Dyk was cool. But the minute you put on Skrillex and started rambling about how he's a "pioneer of music," I started thinking about how maybe having kids doesn’t seem so bad.
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