25 Reasons You Need To Start Running
1. You’ll want to look good for wedding, beach, and/or quail season.
2. Thanks to the invention of the “DVR”, Gilmore Girls will still be waiting for you when you get back.
3. Ladies love a man with a big VO2 max.
4. Ancient hunter-gatherers literally ran down animals until they were too exhausted to fight back. Just imagine being able to do that to like a moose or something. Are you imagining it? Because we’ll know if you’re not.
5. “Animal Style” is an extra delicious way to order In-N-Out; you’ve managed to turn it into a lifestyle.
6. So you can finally win a race with the jerk neighbor kid, who’s real mouthy for an 11-year-old with a voice like a sock puppet.
7. Your pizza delivery guy dropped off a pie and said, “Hey man, I’m worried about you.”
8. Despite your best efforts, “Type Awesome” diabetes is not catching on.
9. You’ve been dying to strut those cutoffs for ages.
10. Running can help you live longer, if you’re into that.
11. It’s your only remaining legitimate reason to create song mixes now that “I’m 16 years old” is no longer in the picture.
12. You’re in totally good shape, but your dog could use some exercise.
13. Running can lower your risk of breast cancer.
14. You know what system has the actual best graphics? Real life.
15. The vitamin D you get from the sun will prevent another nasty bout of rickets.
16. Your weirdly large thighs could be even weirdly larger.
17. Running can help strengthen your bones without the need for a complicated and expensive adamantium-bonding process.
18. It’s summer, and in a few short months arctic vortices will make running a life-threatening proposition.
19. If you try to strike up a conversation with a woman while cycling, you will run into the back of a parked car.
20. Every training montage includes a running scene.
21. Running is the only time you can wear those hot, hot sweatbands and be considered awesome instead of freaky.
22. Running can increase your levels of “good” cholesterol, which is good because if your levels of “evil” cholesterol get high enough they’ll hatch a diabolical plot that Mike Myers is now too old to foil.
23. Running is a way better stress reliever than that stress ball you got from an office supply conference in 1997.
24. You could be the next Bruce Jenner.
25. At some point, “I’m not buying new pants ‘til I lose weight” will leave you with no wearable pants.