While he presumably meant to text one of the people who pretends to be friends with him in exchange for money, recent MLB suspendee Alex Rodriguez sent us a detailed itinerary of exactly how he plans to spend his time during each Yankees game he'll miss over the next two seasons. His plans are bold, adventurous, sexy, and full of Dance Dance Revolution. Also, A-Rod sends the longest texts ever.
Game 1: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 2: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 3: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 4: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 5: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 6: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 7: Express disbelief
Game 8: Express disbelief that Bayless has a job
Game 9: Hit up Dave & Busters, try to blend in with all the accountants at happy hour
Game 10: Buy six Dance Dance Revolution machines for the pad
Game 11: General sex stuff
Game 12: Hire dedicated socks buyer
Game 13: Call radio shows as "Dan from Ohio", point out that Hank Aaron did amphetamines
Game 14: Try to get on Wendy Williams to repair image
Game 15: French kiss hand, while making it look kind of like a pair of lips
Game 16: Buy latest smartphone
Game 17: Mirror polishing session!!
Game 18: Punch TMZ guy in face
Game 19: Decline Torre's calls
Game 20: Decline Torre's texts
Game 21: Hide from Torre behind couch
Game 22: Make Jiffy Pop
Game 23: Text Cameron, tell her about how you made that Jiffy Pop and thought of her
Game 24: Find old Nintendo in drawer labeled "Definitely Not Steriods", play RBI Baseball, briefly marvel at Tony Armas's power numbers
Game 25: Practice snapping bats over knee, eventually downgrade to souvenir size
Game 26: Subscribe to Netflix, but just the one where you get the DVDs
Game 27: Realize error, add the streaming component. Holy shit, they've got Better Off Ted!
Game 28: Finish Better Off Ted, start watching Orange Is the New Black
Game 29: Call the publicist of the attractive Latin girl from Orange Is the New Black, try to date her
Game 30: Realize she doesn't have a publicist, deem her unimportant, move on
Game 31: Try to sneak into dugout wearing Bobby Valentine's mustache
Game 32: Try to sneak into Whiskey Blue wearing Bobby Valentine's mustache
Game 33: Do that thing where you flex your pecs independently of each other, in the mirror
Game 34: Tweet at Justin Bieber
Game 35: Secretly root for Sox
Game 36: Pina Coladas!!
Game 37: Call up No Fear, inquire about sponsorship deal
Game 38: Go on the safari at Six Flags
Game 39: Study film of Jesse Palmer's Bachelor season
Game 40: Dance like nobody's watching
Game 41: Realize someone is watching, and quickly close Venetian blinds
Game 42: Subscribe to Redbook
Game 43: Realize mistake, subcribe to Blackbook
Game 44: The Goldbergs makes its primetime debut
Game 45: Visit Texas Mercedes dealership. Sign autographs for employees.
Game 46: Secretly root for Mariners
Game 47: Buy latest smartphone
Game 48: Ask agent to find inspirational quote to post on Facebook
Buy steroids Eat animal crackers
Game 50: Sleep until at least 915a
Game 51: "Wait, they already cancelled The Goldbergs?"
Game 52: Look into one of those soda streams Cano keeps talking about
Game 53: Commission painting of self as different imaginary manimal
Game 54: "Can we make the wings bigger?"
Game 55: Try to figure out this damn slow cooker
Game 56: Plan out what songs you'd sing if you changed your name to A-Rod Stewart
Game 57: Settle on "4th Base" as memoir title. Refuse to Google if anyone else has used it.
Game 58: Call TMZ guy. Ask what's up.
Game 59: Dishes, I guess
Game 60: Stifle envy of vastly inferior player
Game 61: "Get into politics maybe?"
Game 62: Watch Internet porn
Game 63: Watch Internet porn
Game 64: Watch Internet porn
Game 65: Watch Internet porn
Game 66: Watch Internet porn
Game 67: Make Internet porn
Game 68: Leave message on Zimmer's machine asking if he knows anyone who can kill Internet porn crew
Game 69: Wait frantically for Zimmer to call you back, which he never does
Game 70: Read news story about murder of Internet porn crew
Game 71: Go to Jets game
Game 72: Wake up in bed with Sanchez and 16yr-old girl. Sign autograph for 16yr-old's boyfriend.
Game 73: Call the one that got away. Offer to sign autograph for her kids.
Game 74: Use your power to get them to open a Chick-fil-A on Sunday, buy nothing because it's not Paleo
Game 75: Prank call Schwimmer
Game 76: Interview legal supplement suppliers. Ask just one question: "Can you give me The Edge?"
Game 77: Ditto
Game 78: Ditto
Game 79: Ditto
Game 80: Ditto
Game 81: Hire guy from Tampa
Game 82: Become friends with guy from Tampa
Game 83: Grow soul patch, just like guy from Tampa
Game 84: Fire guy from Tampa when lawyer informs you legal supplements are quite illegal
Game 85: Make guy from Tampa shave soul patch so you can keep yours
Game 86: Jot down notes on potential freestyle rap song and text them to Prime Minister Pete Nice of 3rd Bass. Get lukewarm response.
Game 87: Buy sexier boxer briefs than current boxer briefs
Game 88: Do art
Game 89: Buy latest smartphone
Game 90: Buy latest smartphone
Game 91: Realize that all the old cords are never going to work on this thing
Game 92: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 93: Really get to the bottom of this whole Pinterest thing
Game 94: Try these Reese's Pieces all the kids are talking about
Game 95: Tweet at Pitbull
Game 96: Sex with someone who used to know Don Cheadle in high school
Game 97: Find lost puppy. Remove tags, give as tip to Flashdancers stripper.
Game 98: Montage
Game 99: Make suspicious online searches. Sign autographs for FBI guys.
Game 100: 90210 marathon (remake version, duh)
Game 101: High tea with members of Queen
Game 102: Regrout bathtub
Game 103: Call someone to regrout bathtub
Game 104: Nails
Game 105: Multitask
Game 106: Attempt to restart appeal process
Game 107: Rebranding! Start brainstorming ideas for new, cleaner nickname.
Game 108: Alex Rod. No.
Game 109: Lex Rod. No.
Game 110: Lexy Roddy. Maybe.
Game 111: Juice cleanse. Wait...
Game 112: Holy CRAP these Vines are so fun
Game 113: Re-read 127 columns about how sad columnists are that they might not get to see you play again
Game 114: Call Belichick, see if he needs a replacement for Danny Amendola
Game 115: Get scowled at by cute old lady
Game 116: Watch Blue Crush
Game 117: Tell prostitute she should be paying you
Game 118: Add "social media expert" to Twitter bio
Game 119: Undercover Boss: Alex Rodriguez Mercedes Benz
Game 120: Experience Y2K deja vu while staring at $400 toaster
Game 121: Ha ha ha this Bill Hader commercial is funny!
Game 122: Have awesomer day than basically anybody ever, still feel angry
Game 123: Buy Subaru Brat after reading old Vanity Fair story on "irony"
Game 124: Convince mom that it's not lipstick, it's just really thick, dark chapstick
Game 125: Why is TBS showing The Human Stain?
Game 126: Notice that a lot of people aren't coming around anymore
Game 127: Carpe Diem
Game 128: Carpe Diem
Game 129: Carpe Diem
Game 130: Find old per diem in pocket. Tell self, "It's the little things."
Game 131: Karaoke?
Game 132: Really put in some time on the brim of that new cap
Game 133: Make memories
Game 134: Nose-hair sculpting session
Game 135: Carlos Danger, meet Ricardo Art Museum
Game 136: Say "The Alex Rodriguez Collection, only at Raymour... and Flanigan" out loud. Like the way it sounds.
Game 137: Ask Lasorda if Slim-Fast really works, "for a friend"
Game 138: Every day I'm shuffling
Game 139: Finally "get" Kabbalah
Game 140: Convert to Judaism
Game 141: Get made fun of by old Jews for falling for that Kabbalah crap
Game 142: Leave bag of burning poo in front of apartment building Madonna no longer lives in
Game 143: Tell neighborhood stickball kids to get that weak shit out of here
Game 144: Make your famous pancakes
Game 145: Wear wigs that make you look like a girl, but totally just as a goof
Game 146: Try to convince self The Sundays were better than they actually were
Game 147: Do you know karate? It seems like you know karate.
Game 148: Remember how rich you are, take purifying swim in infinity pool
Game 149: Buy latest smartphone
Game 150: Finally start reading Jonathan Franzen's Freedom
Game 151: Tweet at Bruno Mars
Game 152: Realize Freedom really is a capacious but intricately ordered narrative in which people's "personal liberties" collide with others' sacred freedoms, but, like, there's not enough hooker banging or autograph signing. Quit after page 16.
Game 153: Watch New Year's Eve
Game 154: Be thankful no one remembers that story about your cousin injecting you in the butt cheeks
Game 155: Do people remember that story about your cousin injecting you in the butt cheeks?
Game 156: Be less self-conscious
Game 157: Get served with sexual harassment lawsuit from Undercover Boss episode. Put in drawer with rest of lawsuits.
Game 158: Rekindle relationship with Ed Kowalczyk
Game 159: See how many oysters it takes to get a boner with no other stimulation
Game 160: "So Maybelline don't like it, rock the casbah, rock the casbah!"
Game 161: Find out if pool boy likes to party
Game 162: Start calling perfectly rational ideas "mumbo jumbo"
Game 163: End rekindled relationship with Ed Kowalczyk
Game 164: Edit own Wikipedia entry to make self sound AMAZING
Game 165: Edit own Wikipedia entry to make self sound AMAZING again, since it keeps switching back all weird
Game 166: Get lost in own eyes
Game 167: Confront intimacy issues
Game 168: Twerk a bunch
Game 169: Buy up all Cronuts on Craigslist
Game 170: Show up uninvited to Will It Blend? set, express deep hurt when they don't want to blend all your smartphones
Game 171: Watch Field of Dreams. Call dad.
Game 172: Tweet at Demi Lovato
Game 173: Wait, she tweeted back?
Game 174: Quit trying to use ill-gotten knowledge of Andie MacDowell just to get her in the sack
Game 175: Laugh at Sammy Sosa's Pinterest
Game 176: Amaranth cleanse
Game 177: Amaranth cleanse
Game 178: Amaranth cleanse
Game 179: Amaranth cleanse
Game 180: Amaranth cleanse
Game 181: Discover Turner Classic Movie Channel. REVEL.
Game 182: TGI Friday's. Tell them it's your birthday.
Game 183: Bennigan's. Same deal.
Game 184: Claim to have invented adjectival use of "killer"
Game 185: Feel brief twinge of gui...
Game 186: Get some of those foldable Ray-Bans, just keep folding them, and unfolding them, and folding them...
Game 187: Experiment with lactose intolerance just to see if you're into it
Game 188: Pose for another centaur painting
Game 189: Boggle
Game 190: Tweet at Wiz Khalifa
Game 191: Triple D rerun
Game 192: Turn off Triple D rerun, realizing you've seen it already
Game 193: Get bangs
Game 194: Refuse to go outside until bangs grow all the way back
Game 195: "I wonder what Bonds is up to..."
Game 196: Antiquing splurge!!!
Game 197: Figure out what to do with 700 end tables
Game 198: Realize they should totally be in the end table apartment up on 72nd
Game 199: Prank call Chris Hansen. Tell him you're Sanchez.
Game 200: Buy Rubik's Cube
Game 201: Buy book that tells you how to do a Rubik's Cube
Game 202: Do the one where you just move around all the stickers on the Rubik's Cube so it looks like you've finished it
Game 203: Instagram Rubik's Cube with a filter that makes it so you can't see all the little chips taken off the end of the squares
Game 204: A caprese salad sounds LOVELY
Game 205: General sex stuff
Game 206: YouTube how to shotgun a Meister Brau
Game 207: Have assistant break in new cleats
Game 208: Curls
Game 209: Curls
Game 210: Preacher curls
Game 211: Start keeping journal