While he presumably meant to text one of the people who pretends to be friends with him in exchange for money, recent MLB suspendee Alex Rodriguez sent us a detailed itinerary of exactly how he plans to spend his time during each Yankees game he'll miss over the next two seasons. His plans are bold, adventurous, sexy, and full of Dance Dance Revolution. Also, A-Rod sends the longest texts ever.
Game 1: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 2: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 3: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 4: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 5: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 6: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 7: Express disbelief Game 8: Express disbelief that Bayless has a job Game 9: Hit up Dave & Busters, try to blend in with all the accountants at happy hour Game 10: Buy six Dance Dance Revolution machines for the pad Game 11: General sex stuff Game 12: Hire dedicated socks buyer Game 13: Call radio shows as "Dan from Ohio", point out that Hank Aaron did amphetamines Game 14: Try to get on Wendy Williams to repair image Game 15: French kiss hand, while making it look kind of like a pair of lips Game 16: Buy latest smartphone Game 17: Mirror polishing session!! Game 18: Punch TMZ guy in face Game 19: Decline Torre's calls Game 20: Decline Torre's texts Game 21: Hide from Torre behind couch Game 22: Make Jiffy Pop Game 23: Text Cameron, tell her about how you made that Jiffy Pop and thought of her Game 24: Find old Nintendo in drawer labeled "Definitely Not Steriods", play RBI Baseball, briefly marvel at Tony Armas's power numbers Game 25: Practice snapping bats over knee, eventually downgrade to souvenir size Game 26: Subscribe to Netflix, but just the one where you get the DVDs Game 27: Realize error, add the streaming component. Holy shit, they've got Better Off Ted! Game 28: Finish Better Off Ted, start watching Orange Is the New Black Game 29: Call the publicist of the attractive Latin girl from Orange Is the New Black, try to date her Game 30: Realize she doesn't have a publicist, deem her unimportant, move on Game 31: Try to sneak into dugout wearing Bobby Valentine's mustache Game 32: Try to sneak into Whiskey Blue wearing Bobby Valentine's mustache Game 33: Do that thing where you flex your pecs independently of each other, in the mirror Game 34: Tweet at Justin Bieber Game 35: Secretly root for Sox Game 36: Pina Coladas!! Game 37: Call up No Fear, inquire about sponsorship deal Game 38: Go on the safari at Six Flags Game 39: Study film of Jesse Palmer's Bachelor season Game 40: Dance like nobody's watching Game 41: Realize someone is watching, and quickly close Venetian blinds Game 42: Subscribe to Redbook Game 43: Realize mistake, subcribe to Blackbook Game 44: The Goldbergs makes its primetime debut Game 45: Visit Texas Mercedes dealership. Sign autographs for employees. Game 46: Secretly root for Mariners Game 47: Buy latest smartphone Game 48: Ask agent to find inspirational quote to post on Facebook Game 49:
Buy steroids Eat animal crackers Game 50: Sleep until at least 915a Game 51: "Wait, they already cancelled The Goldbergs?" Game 52: Look into one of those soda streams Cano keeps talking about Game 53: Commission painting of self as different imaginary manimal Game 54: "Can we make the wings bigger?" Game 55: Try to figure out this damn slow cooker Game 56: Plan out what songs you'd sing if you changed your name to A-Rod Stewart Game 57: Settle on "4th Base" as memoir title. Refuse to Google if anyone else has used it. Game 58: Call TMZ guy. Ask what's up. Game 59: Dishes, I guess Game 60: Stifle envy of vastly inferior player Game 61: "Get into politics maybe?" Game 62: Watch Internet porn Game 63: Watch Internet porn Game 64: Watch Internet porn Game 65: Watch Internet porn Game 66: Watch Internet porn Game 67: Make Internet porn Game 68: Leave message on Zimmer's machine asking if he knows anyone who can kill Internet porn crew Game 69: Wait frantically for Zimmer to call you back, which he never does Game 70: Read news story about murder of Internet porn crew Game 71: Go to Jets game Game 72: Wake up in bed with Sanchez and 16yr-old girl. Sign autograph for 16yr-old's boyfriend. Game 73: Call the one that got away. Offer to sign autograph for her kids. Game 74: Use your power to get them to open a Chick-fil-A on Sunday, buy nothing because it's not Paleo Game 75: Prank call Schwimmer Game 76: Interview legal supplement suppliers. Ask just one question: "Can you give me The Edge?" Game 77: Ditto Game 78: Ditto Game 79: Ditto Game 80: Ditto Game 81: Hire guy from Tampa Game 82: Become friends with guy from Tampa Game 83: Grow soul patch, just like guy from Tampa Game 84: Fire guy from Tampa when lawyer informs you legal supplements are quite illegal Game 85: Make guy from Tampa shave soul patch so you can keep yours Game 86: Jot down notes on potential freestyle rap song and text them to Prime Minister Pete Nice of 3rd Bass. Get lukewarm response. Game 87: Buy sexier boxer briefs than current boxer briefs Game 88: Do art Game 89: Buy latest smartphone Game 90: Buy latest smartphone Game 91: Realize that all the old cords are never going to work on this thing Game 92: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 93: Really get to the bottom of this whole Pinterest thing Game 94: Try these Reese's Pieces all the kids are talking about Game 95: Tweet at Pitbull Game 96: Sex with someone who used to know Don Cheadle in high school Game 97: Find lost puppy. Remove tags, give as tip to Flashdancers stripper. Game 98: Montage Game 99: Make suspicious online searches. Sign autographs for FBI guys. Game 100: 90210 marathon (remake version, duh) Game 101: High tea with members of Queen Game 102: Regrout bathtub Game 103: Call someone to regrout bathtub Game 104: Nails Game 105: Multitask Game 106: Attempt to restart appeal process Game 107: Rebranding! Start brainstorming ideas for new, cleaner nickname. Game 108: Alex Rod. No. Game 109: Lex Rod. No. Game 110: Lexy Roddy. Maybe. Game 111: Juice cleanse. Wait... Game 112: Holy CRAP these Vines are so fun Game 113: Re-read 127 columns about how sad columnists are that they might not get to see you play again Game 114: Call Belichick, see if he needs a replacement for Danny Amendola Game 115: Get scowled at by cute old lady Game 116: Watch Blue Crush Game 117: Tell prostitute she should be paying you Game 118: Add "social media expert" to Twitter bio Game 119: Undercover Boss: Alex Rodriguez Mercedes Benz Game 120: Experience Y2K deja vu while staring at $400 toaster Game 121: Ha ha ha this Bill Hader commercial is funny! Game 122: Have awesomer day than basically anybody ever, still feel angry Game 123: Buy Subaru Brat after reading old Vanity Fair story on "irony" Game 124: Convince mom that it's not lipstick, it's just really thick, dark chapstick Game 125: Why is TBS showing The Human Stain? Game 126: Notice that a lot of people aren't coming around anymore Game 127: Carpe Diem Game 128: Carpe Diem Game 129: Carpe Diem Game 130: Find old per diem in pocket. Tell self, "It's the little things." Game 131: Karaoke? Game 132: Really put in some time on the brim of that new cap Game 133: Make memories Game 134: Nose-hair sculpting session Game 135: Carlos Danger, meet Ricardo Art Museum Game 136: Say "The Alex Rodriguez Collection, only at Raymour... and Flanigan" out loud. Like the way it sounds. Game 137: Ask Lasorda if Slim-Fast really works, "for a friend" Game 138: Every day I'm shuffling Game 139: Finally "get" Kabbalah Game 140: Convert to Judaism Game 141: Get made fun of by old Jews for falling for that Kabbalah crap Game 142: Leave bag of burning poo in front of apartment building Madonna no longer lives in Game 143: Tell neighborhood stickball kids to get that weak shit out of here Game 144: Make your famous pancakes Game 145: Wear wigs that make you look like a girl, but totally just as a goof Game 146: Try to convince self The Sundays were better than they actually were Game 147: Do you know karate? It seems like you know karate. Game 148: Remember how rich you are, take purifying swim in infinity pool Game 149: Buy latest smartphone Game 150: Finally start reading Jonathan Franzen's Freedom Game 151: Tweet at Bruno Mars Game 152: Realize Freedom really is a capacious but intricately ordered narrative in which people's "personal liberties" collide with others' sacred freedoms, but, like, there's not enough hooker banging or autograph signing. Quit after page 16. Game 153: Watch New Year's Eve Game 154: Be thankful no one remembers that story about your cousin injecting you in the butt cheeks Game 155: Do people remember that story about your cousin injecting you in the butt cheeks? Game 156: Be less self-conscious Game 157: Get served with sexual harassment lawsuit from Undercover Boss episode. Put in drawer with rest of lawsuits. Game 158: Rekindle relationship with Ed Kowalczyk Game 159: See how many oysters it takes to get a boner with no other stimulation Game 160: "So Maybelline don't like it, rock the casbah, rock the casbah!" Game 161: Find out if pool boy likes to party Game 162: Start calling perfectly rational ideas "mumbo jumbo" Game 163: End rekindled relationship with Ed Kowalczyk Game 164: Edit own Wikipedia entry to make self sound AMAZING Game 165: Edit own Wikipedia entry to make self sound AMAZING again, since it keeps switching back all weird Game 166: Get lost in own eyes Game 167: Confront intimacy issues Game 168: Twerk a bunch Game 169: Buy up all Cronuts on Craigslist Game 170: Show up uninvited to Will It Blend? set, express deep hurt when they don't want to blend all your smartphones Game 171: Watch Field of Dreams. Call dad. Game 172: Tweet at Demi Lovato Game 173: Wait, she tweeted back? Game 174: Quit trying to use ill-gotten knowledge of Andie MacDowell just to get her in the sack Game 175: Laugh at Sammy Sosa's Pinterest Game 176: Amaranth cleanse Game 177: Amaranth cleanse Game 178: Amaranth cleanse Game 179: Amaranth cleanse Game 180: Amaranth cleanse Game 181: Discover Turner Classic Movie Channel. REVEL. Game 182: TGI Friday's. Tell them it's your birthday. Game 183: Bennigan's. Same deal. Game 184: Claim to have invented adjectival use of "killer" Game 185: Feel brief twinge of gui... Game 186: Get some of those foldable Ray-Bans, just keep folding them, and unfolding them, and folding them... Game 187: Experiment with lactose intolerance just to see if you're into it Game 188: Pose for another centaur painting Game 189: Boggle Game 190: Tweet at Wiz Khalifa Game 191: Triple D rerun Game 192: Turn off Triple D rerun, realizing you've seen it already Game 193: Get bangs Game 194: Refuse to go outside until bangs grow all the way back Game 195: "I wonder what Bonds is up to..." Game 196: Antiquing splurge!!! Game 197: Figure out what to do with 700 end tables Game 198: Realize they should totally be in the end table apartment up on 72nd Game 199: Prank call Chris Hansen. Tell him you're Sanchez. Game 200: Buy Rubik's Cube Game 201: Buy book that tells you how to do a Rubik's Cube Game 202: Do the one where you just move around all the stickers on the Rubik's Cube so it looks like you've finished it Game 203: Instagram Rubik's Cube with a filter that makes it so you can't see all the little chips taken off the end of the squares Game 204: A caprese salad sounds LOVELY Game 205: General sex stuff Game 206: YouTube how to shotgun a Meister Brau Game 207: Have assistant break in new cleats Game 208: Curls Game 209: Curls Game 210: Preacher curls Game 211: Start keeping journal