*photo courtesy of Universal Studios
20yrs ago, Jurassic Park hit theaters and gave you one more reason to never become a lawyer. Also, you’re mad old: Jurassic Park came out 20yrs ago. Since such oldness probably means your memory is broken, here’s a rundown of the seven dinosaurs prominently featured in the film, including their height/weight/etc., who and what they killed, and what the sage paleontologist Sam Neill said about them when he wasn’t tying seat belts together in helicopters, because sage paleontologists are too focused on their work to know about seat belts.
Vitals: 49ft tall/17,500lbs/25mph
What Sam Neill Said About Them: "Don't move! He can't see us if we don't move." Also: "Aaahhhhhhh!!!!"
Confirmed First-Film Kills: Donald Gennaro, the lawyer. On the toilet. With the biting. T-rex also ate a gallimimus when Sam Neill and those kids were running through the plains, then effed up some raptors at the end, not including Andrea Bargnani.
Fun Fact: Some scientists in Liverpool figured out that the T-Rex had the strongest "bite force of any terrestrial animal that has ever lived… generating 57,000 Newtons of force in the back teeth." That's three times as much force as a great white, seven times the force of those pansy Allosauruses, 15 times the force of an African lion, and at least twice the force of those marble-eating demon hippos from Hungry Hungry Hippos
Vitals: Height: highly debatable (6ft in the film, 3ft in real dinosaur life)/Weight: every bit as debatable (250lbs in the film, 33lbs in real dinosaur life)/40mph.
What Sam Neill Said About Them: “You bred raptors?”
Confirmed First-Film Kills: Two humans (Muldoon and Sam Jackson), plus one really delicious cow (Bessie).
Fun Fact: This one isn’t actually fun at all: these dudes are total frauds. In reality, they were basically really long, fast chickens, while in the film, they’re made out to be gigantic, terrifying beasts that’re dexterous enough to do foam art in your latte, and intelligent enough to know it projects a brooding image to read Camus when their shift is over. That said, they did indeed have that famous claw Sam Neill uses to terrify insolent children, and scientists in a BBC documentary used one to cut through pork belly
Vitals: 7ft high ("at the hips" Me-ow!)/970lbs/43mph
What Sam Neill Said About Them: "Some of them smell." (ED NOTE: he may've been referring to something else).
Confirmed First-Film Kills: Are you kidding? Gallimimuses can barely kill time, though they do it by attempting to trample Hammond kids in the open plain, so maybe that's something.
Fun Fact: The name comes from the Latin gallus, meaning "chicken", and mimus, meaning "mimic", because its neural arches are like a chicken's, and because "chicken mimic" is a great thing to call really anything. Also, it could run as fast as an ostrich, but would be soundly beaten by The Flash, and some really good rollerbladers
Vitals: 8ft tall/850lbs/26mph
What Sam Neill Said About Them: "Don't spit poisonous stuff at Newman from Seinfeld!"
Confirmed First-Film Kills: Newman from Seinfeld, aka Dennis Nedry, the park's computer programmer, who attempted to steal dinosaur embryos and shut down the security system, which meant the electric fence was deactivated, which also caused the death of the lawyer sitting on the toilet. The best part of Newman's encounter with the dilophosaurus is that he treats it like a dog, and it's all inquisitive and curious and playful, AND THEN IT SPITS BLINDING VENOM IN HIS EYES AND PEACOCKS ITS WEIRD HEAD-THING AND EATS HIM! So that's also kind of the worst part, too.
Fun Fact: There is no real evidence of the whole "neck frill" or the "venom-spitting" according to buzz-kill paleontologists who are trying to ruin everything with "facts" and "scientific data" and "cool-looking safari hats".
Vitals: 9.5ft tall/28ft long/26,000lbs/2.31mph
What Sam Neill Said About Them: “Can I touch it?”
Confirmed First-Film Kills: About 400,000 of those weird poison berries, before it got all sick and pooped them out for Laura Dern to stick her hand into.
Fun Fact: Dude was pretty tough on that board in Crash Bandicoot 3
Vitals: 85ft long/50ft high/176,000lbs/6mph
What Sam Neill Said About Them: “It’s... it’s a dinosaur.”
Confirmed First-Film Kills: 0, although its snot-rocket came kinda close to taking out the little vegetarian feminist chick.
Fun Fact: In the first Jurassic Park, it's the first dinosaur seen not named Richard Attenborough. Also, a main belt asteroid, 1991 GX7, has been named 9954 Brachiosaurus. 9953 Brachiosaurus is on record as saying, “Man, I never win sh*t!”
Vitals: 30ft long/13,000lbs/13mph
What Sam Neill Said About Them: Nothing, as he was too busy jamming out to John Williams music when he first noticed them drinking water beyond the far more popular brachiosauruses.
Confirmed First-Film Kills: 0
Fun Fact: They had a badass bone-mohawk shooting out of the top of their heads that could grow up to six feet long, leading old-school paleontologists to think they spent much time underwater and used it as a snorkel. This was disproven when it was revealed in 1973 that no parasaurolophus had ever visited a Sandals resort