Act II: preparing for romance
There comes a time in every man's life when he reflects upon his choices. I encountered one such threshold when I found myself considering -- with no lack of critical, evaluative, strategic thought -- the best way to go about coitus-ing an apple pie. Despite what the movie suggests, coitus-ing a pie is not a straightforward proposition. The preparations I made were these:
The first debate was homemade vs. store-bought. I'm not much of a cook, but I was prepossessed with the notion that crafting the pie with my own hands, in my own kitchen would be the most faithful adaptation. After all, Jim's Mom made the one he bangs in the movie. Plus, it seemed more intimate that way. Ultimately I opted for a store-bought pie because a) I'm lazy; b) I'm genuinely not much of a cook; and c) it seemed a little incest-y to make something with the sole intention of boning it as it cooled.
Then, there was a question of upper crust. I made the horrible error of buying a standard-domed (!) pie at first, only to realize, upon rewatching the film, that American Pie's version is lattice-worked. "Almost" may count in horseshoes and hand grenades, but it does not count in cinematically authentic pastry-sex. Back to the store I went.
Seeing as how Oz's description of the act ("like warm apple pie") became the pull quote for an entire generation of horny teenagers, there was no doubt here. Tepid be the temptation. My microwave became my wingman, which is a sentence I just wrote, so I guess this is rock bottom now?