Archer's out of Miami and back in the DANGER ZONE for an all new season Thursday, Jan 8 at 10p on FX, and, well, that means you should be drinking.
The bad news is that you have no Woodhouse to make your drinks/eat a big bowl of spider webs. Luckily, we tapped tapped master bartender Brandon Wise -- who heads up the Sage Restaurant Group beverage operations -- to craft some Archer-themed cocktails. Green Russians, we discovered, are pretty gross, but these are perfect for special occasions, like when Kenny Loggins plays your baby shower... or when you're alone watching the world's greatest secret agent and dreaming of Whore Island.
Three Reasons Why We Love to Hate Meryl Streep on 'Big Little Lies'
2oz Scotch (Glengoole Black or Bruichladdich 10yr, if you have it)
1 bar spoon of Amargo Vallet
.5oz Maraschino liqueur ("It's good enough for Papa Hemingway. That's all you need to know.")
1 dash orange bitters
1 bar spoon absinthe (flamed, in glass)
Pour everything into a mixing glass, except the absinthe, and stir with ice. After taking a shot of the absinthe, pour a bar spoon (steal one from Woodhouse if he's got any without the White Lady on it) of it into an empty snifter and light it on fire (ask Cheryl for matches). Stir the fiery absinthe around for a while, then strain your drink into the snifter. Yes, a snifter, and not a regular glass. What are we, poor?
La Ultima Palabra
3/4oz mezcal (Wise recommends Del Maguey Chichicapa, but it can be anything but tequila: "Real secret agents drink mezcal. Leave the cheap tequila for Barry and the wuss squad at O.D.I.N.")
3/4oz fresh lime juice
3/4oz Chartreuse Green
3/4oz Maraschino liqueur
Shake ingredients together and strain into a chilled coupe glass. Just be careful not to spill any on the carpet. That's how you get ants.
Sterling's Red Eye
1 jigger dry gin
3 jiggers spicy V8 tomato juice
Half a jigger of pickle brine
Juice of one lime
1 can Mexican lager
1 whole egg
A riff on the Red Eye made popular in Cocktail, but way better. Because Tom Cruise could never rock the turtleneck. Build everything in a pint glass with a salted rim, in the order listed. It's a combo of a Bloody Mary, a breakfast beer, and manly protein (phrasing!) that's one helluva hangover cure. Right?!