Read our live recap of The Bachelor Season 21 premiere that will update throughout the night!
Every Bachelor season, there comes an episode in which Chris Harrison is like “You know what? I need all these damn people out of this amazing mansion of mine, so I can call over Justin Bieber’s mom to Netflix and chill. BEGONE!!!” This is that week. Chris Harrison has already banished Ben, and all the girls are going to be similarly expelled, and forced to meet Ben in the city where Carrot Top buys, uses, and entertains people with his anabolic steroids originally intended for horses. No, not Cincinnati: they’re going to Las Vegas. Ahhhh!!!!!!
Things they SHOULD do in Vegas, but won’t:
- Hang out with Carrot Top
- Hang out with Danny Gans (RIP)
- Walk around the Excalibur on mushrooms
- Purchase a bankrupt casino
- Load up one of the styrofoam containers from $4.99 buffet, like really jam it full, and then only eat the eggrolls and still feel like they got their money’s worth
- Eat anything at all
- View modern art in the Bauhaus style
- Hang out with Sigfried
- Go to this place where you drive construction vehicles, after drinking Alize
- Hang out with Britney, bitch
- Do an 8-ball of cocaine in a coat check with a paisley-suited man named Rico they just met at a Pai Gow Poker table
The First Solo Date: JoJo
“You set my heart on fire,” the card says. I figure they’re either going 1) to a fireman-themed nude male revue, 2) to an actual firehouse, or 3) to make JoJo fire the producer who thought Kevin Hart was a good idea. Instead, they do nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING. Not a single thing happens on this date. The following is the entire recap: drink champagne atop parking garage, get picked up by helicopter, make out, not comment on JoJo’s very classy pantsuit, tell a story about how dating some dude for a year means you are irreparably damaged, say the word “moment” a lot, have zero moments where anything actually happens, watch fireworks that happen four times a night every night and are no way intended for them, go home. They don’t even pretend they love the hottest up and coming country singer from Bangor, Maine. And yet, JoJo will be in our Top 4 when it’s all said and done.
The Group Date
Big one here, as whoever doesn’t go on this is going on the solo. Amanda, Jubilee from X-Men, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Hayleynemily, Leah, Lauren H, tall Jennifer who never does anything, Rachel, and Olivia: you’re going to all not hang out with the performers from the Neil Diamond Tribute Show, while Becca stays home and focuses her energy on not having sex during her one on one.
Instead, these ladies are all going to hang out with Apparently Prominent Ventriloquist Terry Fator. He has a very 1989 goatee, and you really need to check out the Getting Ventriloquism Taken Seriously section of his Wikipedia page. And Apparently Prominent Ventriloquist Terry Fator is going to make them…do talents! For a talent show, in front of a live audience, of course. This is pretty textbook Bachelor: it’s quite clear that most of these girls’ biggest fear is being talented. Let’s run down who does what.
The Twins: Are, without even so much as a sliver of a joke, completely sick at Irish step dancing. They’re so legit that if they ever made Step Up: Step Sideways Sometimes, Because This Is the Irish Step Dancing One, Channing Tatum could just play a janitor who never dances and the film would be an international hit. They GOT THIS.
Jubilee: Can somehow play the cello. Lotta late nights in the Cello Closet-abutting bunk on the base, huh Jubilee?
Lauren B: Is more than happy to juggle badly and leave the stage quickly.
Amanda: Same, but with hula hoops.
Lauren H: Wears a chicken costume (well) and recites a possibly chicken-themed limerick (horribly).
Tall Jennifer Who Never Does Anything: Does something! Which is hitting a tennis ball through a hula hoop with a tennis racket. So, basically nothing. This talent of hers is a racket. And that was a pun.
Amber: Does LITERALLY nothing. They don’t even show her. Betting on Amber being worthless is the easiest money in Vegas.
And then there’s Olivia. Olivia tells everyone she has no talent, which makes them nervous that she actually does. She does not. She dresses up in the sluttiest flapper outfit this side of a Big Ten halloween party, climbs out of a giant cake, does some very low kicks, shakes her rack around for the crowd, fakes like she’s going back into the cake, does not go back into the cake, engages in more rack-shacking, possibly screams “marriage material!!!!!”, and eventually cries and runs off into Boyz II Men’s dressing room because she doesn’t want to be on camera, despite devoting her entire life to being on-camera talent for a meaningless local news station.
Come nighttime, Caila grabs Ben first and makes out with him like he just won a progressive jackpot on the Wheel of Fortune slot machine. This leads Ben to refer to her as a “Sex Panther,” which means that people who like to quote movies around the world are making jokes about her even as we speak, 60 percent of the time, every time. I’m now officially upgrading her to a sure-thing finalist who may or may not get her heart smashed like so many rocks of cocaine in a Luxor coat check. Lauren H makes out with a puppet Ben stole from Apparently Prominent Ventriloquist Terry Fator, then also makes out with Ben, possibly for the first time. Lauren B also gets some making out, and then, as always, it’s Olivia Time.
Olivia tells Ben she needs to drink heavily, because she’s suuuuuuper embarrassed about her performance today. This, however, doesn’t make her embarrassed enough to:
- Stick her fingers in her mouth and suck really hard, in some psychotic nervous tick
- Apologize a lot, then apologize for apologizing
- Proclaim that she wants to dance more
- Wear a really odd dress that looks like a repurposed curtain from one of the nicer Steve Wynn hotels
- Actually eat food
In the end, Ben kisses her, but only a peck. She’s been downgraded to pecks. And also to not getting date-roses: Lauren B gets that, after which Ben leans way over to hug her as he crushes Amanda in spectacularly awkward and physically painful fashion.
The Second One-On-One: Becca
Oh man, they’re going with the ol’ “make Becca think she’s getting married so she loosens up about this whole virginity thing, then make her conduct marriage ceremonies for other people along with Ben, even though neither of them clearly has a license” date. After that, they go to one of the legit coolest places in Vegas: the trunk space of Carrot Top’s 2012 Hyundai crossover vehicle! Wait, JK! It’s actually the Neon Museum, which is this amazing graveyard for old casino signs, not an entire facility dedicated to Neon Boudeaux from Blue Chips.