Read our live recap of The Bachelor Season 21 premiere that will update throughout the night!
Every Bachelor season, there comes an episode in which Chris Harrison is like “You know what? I need all these damn people out of this amazing mansion of mine, so I can call over Justin Bieber’s mom to Netflix and chill. BEGONE!!!” This is that week. Chris Harrison has already banished Ben, and all the girls are going to be similarly expelled, and forced to meet Ben in the city where Carrot Top buys, uses, and entertains people with his anabolic steroids originally intended for horses. No, not Cincinnati: they’re going to Las Vegas. Ahhhh!!!!!!
Things they SHOULD do in Vegas, but won’t:
- Hang out with Carrot Top
- Hang out with Danny Gans (RIP)
- Walk around the Excalibur on mushrooms
- Purchase a bankrupt casino
- Load up one of the styrofoam containers from $4.99 buffet, like really jam it full, and then only eat the eggrolls and still feel like they got their money’s worth
- Eat anything at all
- View modern art in the Bauhaus style
- Hang out with Sigfried
- Go to this place where you drive construction vehicles, after drinking Alize
- Hang out with Britney, bitch
- Do an 8-ball of cocaine in a coat check with a paisley-suited man named Rico they just met at a Pai Gow Poker table
The First Solo Date: JoJo
“You set my heart on fire,” the card says. I figure they’re either going 1) to a fireman-themed nude male revue, 2) to an actual firehouse, or 3) to make JoJo fire the producer who thought Kevin Hart was a good idea. Instead, they do nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING. Not a single thing happens on this date. The following is the entire recap: drink champagne atop parking garage, get picked up by helicopter, make out, not comment on JoJo’s very classy pantsuit, tell a story about how dating some dude for a year means you are irreparably damaged, say the word “moment” a lot, have zero moments where anything actually happens, watch fireworks that happen four times a night every night and are no way intended for them, go home. They don’t even pretend they love the hottest up and coming country singer from Bangor, Maine. And yet, JoJo will be in our Top 4 when it’s all said and done.