The First Group Date
Who we got? We got: Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Oh Mandi, ever K-Ci-less JoJo, Jubilee from X-Men, Jennifer, and…Lace! Gimme that Lace. “Let’s learn how to love,” the card reads, which is just great, as the only thing that can possibly be more boring than Ben is learning.
Welcome to Bachelor High! That second one is a word that’s never been used to describe Ben. Because he doesn’t smoke weed. Because he is boring. Professor Chris Harrison, who should clearly be Dean Chris Harrison, or possibly Regional Superintendent Chris Harrison, is dressed in intentionally over-dorky glasses plus sweater vest with buttons for fashion, tells them the deal: they will “take classes,” one team will be eliminated each class, and the winner will become homecoming queen. If The Bachelor is not solidifying archaic gender roles in highly transparent ways that will set women’s rights back centuries, does it even exist?
Class 1: Make a Volcano Erupt with Chemicals to Show Ben You Love Him
This one’s pretty simple: you are given an array of beakers full of chemicals, then you dump them into a volcano, and the volcano shoots out what look like those hilarious spring-loaded snakes that fly out of a can of mixed nuts when you open it. Most teams turn out to be pretty good at random chemical dumping! Lace and Jubilee are not. Lace admits her dark truth that nobody would’ve ever believed: she wasn’t no good at no school. Jubilee threatens to kill her, which is scary, because she can. They lose.
Class 2: Open Your Mouth as Wide as Possible, Then Wrap it Around a Red Apple, and Put that Apple On a Tray, Still With Your Mouth
Dammit, Lace would’ve gotten into Stanford if this was what high school was like, and then surely fit in very well. Gackie The Gerontologist is terrible at this and loses. She has the mouth of a 83-year-old man who himself has the lips of a 91-year-old.
Class 3: Place Indiana on a Map
They make them do this because 1) Ben is from Indiana even though he’s currently from Denver and loves pointing that out, and 2) nobody knows where things are on maps and therefore we can laugh at them. But then most do quite well, except they put Indiana where Illinois really is. Becca and JoJo fail the hardest by putting it sideways like it was Tennessee, where Ohio goes. Begone!!
Class 4: Make Free Throws In Gym Class
None of the girls get a note from their doctor saying they don’t have to do gym, but they all should’ve, except for Amber and Oh Mandi, who both have decent form on their set shots despite shooting with both hands. They win. These competitions are not very exciting. This is the sit-and-reach of Bachelor episodes so far.
Class 4: Race Over Tiny Hurdles to See Who is Prom Queen
It’s Oh Mandi vs. Amber, and Mandi clearly has the advantage here: she has the legs of a hurdler, even though these hurdles could be casually stepped over by Peter Dinklage. So she wins. Congrats, Mandi! You and Ben get to hop in a Mustang convertible and drive for at least 60 yards before stopping. Doesn't everyone wish they were back in high school?
Highlights From the Rest of the Party
- If Becca wasn’t terrible at her grain belt geography, she would’ve shown us that she’s got a mean lefty stroke on the hoops court -- she doesn’t miss a single shot, while Ben throws up a bunch of bricks that prove all he can do with basketballs is palm them and hold them out wide.
- The first girl to get made out with is Jennifer the Average Sized Business Owner. Then she tells everyone that it happened, to drive them into a rage the likes of which this world has never seen, unless they’ve seen that Nic Cage movie, called Rage. Don’t see that one, though, see Bad Lieutenant instead; it’s way better.
- JoJo also gets made out with, on a helicopter landing pad, because Ben enjoyed her attitude and her bubbliness. Still no actual helicopters yet this season.
- Ben is a real face-grabber when it comes to kissing. He’s latching onto whatever he can find -- a chin, ideally, but hey, a cheekbone or even nose will do -- and ensuring that things don’t move around too much before his mouth gets there. Way to play it safe, buddy.
- Jubilee: also kissed! Because as a child, she was abducted! Wait, no. Adopted. Before which she was an orphan. Ben’s into that, because she overcame risks. Nothing riskier than being an orphan, really. Sure, sometimes you get taken in by a really rich bald dude who tries to adopt you before Carol Burnett hatches a plan to drown you for relatively little money, but that’s only like 1/3 of the time. Generally it’s all sad rows of bunk beds and shitty gruel.
- Lace is definitely getting into the Zinfandel, and talks about eye contact some more. It’s very possible that she is a staring contest champion and wants to employ her skillset to earn Ben’s respect.
- I hope someone is continually feeding Lace lots of water and maybe some B-12 tablets, or she’s going to be really worn out by morning three of this thing.
- JoJo gets the rose! Great work trying super-hard and having a perfect hurdler’s physique, Mandi. But those will get you nothing tonight.