In this, the Year of Our Lord Chris Harrison 2017, every day feels like we’re inching -- or long-jumping, depending on the news cycle -- closer to the end of the world. At least we still have the Bachelor franchise to comfort us, playing on like the band aboard the sinking Titanic.
With Doomsday’s steady approach in mind, we evaluated the 31 contestants who’ll appear on Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette (premiering Monday!) not for their potential as romantic partners, not even for their pure TV entertainment value, but for who’d make the most valuable companion when the Four Horsemen arrive for a fateful hometown date. Godspeed.