‌In this, the Year of Our Lord Chris Harrison 2017, every day feels like we’re inching -- or long-jumping, depending on the news cycle -- closer to the end of the world. At least we still have the Bachelor franchise to comfort us, playing on like the band aboard the sinking Titanic.
With Doomsday’s steady approach in mind, we evaluated the 31 contestants who’ll appear on Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette (premiering Monday!) not for their potential as romantic partners, not even for their pure TV entertainment value, but for who’d make the most valuable companion when the Four Horsemen arrive for a fateful hometown date. Godspeed.
Adam
Age: 27Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Height: 6'2"
Hmm, this self-proclaimed threesome-haver -- who counts Transformers among his three favorite movies -- has a "serious fear" of snakes and spiders. Well, Adam, the snakes and spiders will take careful note of this information you've so foolishly provided. When their day as joint apex predators finally comes, they will use it to their advantage, and gladly so.
Rating: 1.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Alex
Age: 28Occupation: Information Systems Supervisor
Height: 6'2"
Alex, who wants you to know that "music isn't a big part of [his] life," will find nary an information system to supervise in the apocalypse, but he earns points for naming Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as his "favorite artist" -- the art in question presumably being ass-kicking.
Rating: 2.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Anthony
Age: 26Occupation: Education Software Manager
Height: 6'3"
Rumor has it that this world traveler speaks four foreign languages, making him the perfect crisis-mode travel buddy: Anthony can converse in French, Indonesian, Spanish, and Latin (hey, if zombies do rise, there's no telling what era of human history they'll come from).
Apocalypse survival rating: 3.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Blake E.
Age: 31Occupation: Aspiring Drummer
Height: 6'
Given that his occupation is "aspiring drummer" -- not even "drummer," y'all -- I'm not sure I see him as a mate for a successful attorney like Rachel. But Blake's childhood spent at horseback riding camp could come in awfully handy when the interstate highway system inevitably crumbles and gasoline, in its scarcity, becomes an unimaginable luxury.
Apocalypse survival rating: 3/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Blake K.
Age: 29Occupation: U.S. Marine Veteran
Height: 6'
The fact that Blake is a Marine veteran speaks for itself. Thank you for your service. But I do feel compelled to point out that your official bio states that you would not "wrestle a crocodile" for love, which, in an amphibians-vs-humans war scenario, might very well be necessary.
Apocalypse survival rating: 4.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Brady
Age: 29Occupation: Male Model
Height: 6'2"
While I happen to agree with Brady that "well-made, high-quality" sweatpants are one of life's greatest pleasures, I suspect this fan of "modern luxuries" would not make it on Post-Earth.
Apocalypse survival rating: 1/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Bryan
Age: 37Occupation: Chiropractor
Height: 6'2"
A chiropractor beau could sure come in handy for any back-related injuries Rachel might sustain when all the hospitals have shut down. Though it's worth noting that our Dr. Bryan Abasalo has been accused of insurance fraud. Not really boyfriend material... but perhaps the kind of cutthroat partner-in-crime a Bachelorette needs by her side in a hellscape.
Apocalypse survival rating: 3.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Bryce
Age: 30Occupation: Firefighter
Height: 6'2"
If you can stomach Bryce's super-casual transphobia, firefighting has strong potential as an apocalyptic profession. Why? Because the whole world is fire now. We do not remember a time before the fire. The fire has taken all that we loved.
Apocalypse survival rating: 2/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Dean
Age: 26Occupation: Startup Recruiter
Height: 6'2"
This startup recruiter with a Triforce tattoo doesn't strike me as apocalypse material. Then again, the line he used on Rachel when he met her on the After the Final Rose special -- "I'm ready to go black and I'm never gonna go back" -- has had me rooting for his demise under a massive fireball for a couple months now.
Apocalypse survival rating: 1/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
DeMario
Age: 30Occupation: Executive Recruiter
Height: 6'4"
Executive recruitment is a profession that does not scream "survival skills," but something about DeMario's delightfully insane abuse of exclamation points in his bio ("Let's fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it's 1999!!!!" "Strawberry cheesecake!!!!") has me convinced that his spirit will never be broken, even under the direst of circumstances.
Apocalypse survival rating: 2.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Diggy
Age: 31Occupation: Senior Inventory Analyst
Height: 5'11"
If Diggy can not only persist through being "stranded on a toilet for hours in fifth grade," but, one day, come to write about that experience in his bio for the national television show he has willingly agreed to appear on, he can do anything.
Apocalypse survival rating: 3/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Eric
Age: 29Occupation: Personal Trainer
Height: 6'2"
This fitness enthusiast is also a fan of motivational speaker Tony Robbins -- he can keep your spirits high as you trudge together through shoulder-high stacks of corpses.
Apocalypse survival rating: 4/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Fred
Age: 27Occupation: Executive Assistant
Height: 6'
A studious, family-oriented Ellen DeGeneres fan, this man just seems too nice to survive an extinction event.
Apocalypse survival rating: 2/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Grant
Age: 29Occupation: Emergency Medicine Physician
Height: 5'11"
Emergency doc Grant gets major points for being handy with a scalpel. He has also elected to share with America that, while suffering from a stomach bug in Peru, he once pooped in a cut-open soda bottle in the back of a tour bus. It sounds like our friend Grant is already well accustomed to apocalyptic living conditions.
Apocalypse survival rating: 4.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Iggy
Age: 30Occupation: Consulting Firm CEO
Height: 5'6"
Though the height of her suitors is no doubt irrelevant to pure-hearted, perfect Rachel, Iggy is relatively short compared to the unrealistic standards set by his fellow cast members -- meaning he won't be as well suited to grabbing the good cereal off the top shelf that you can't reach when you two ransack abandoned supermarkets.
Apocalypse survival rating: 1.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Jack Stone
Age: 32Occupation: Attorney
Height: 5'11"
Sure, Jack Stone -- that's right, he gets the full-name treatment from ABC -- is a driven attorney with a flair for sky-diving, but is there any better evidence of his apocalypse-readiness than his badass name? Jack Stone. Jack Stone. I'm going to fall asleep tonight muttering "Jack Stone."
Apocalypse survival rating: 3/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Jamey
Age: 32Occupation: Sales Account Executive
Height: 5'9"
"I am not trying to make plans in life," Jamey says. "I do not have female friends," Jamey says. "Perhaps it is better to die alone when the asteroid strikes," I say.
Apocalypse survival rating: 0.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Jedidiah
Age: 35Occupation: ER Physician
Age: 5'10"
Jedidiah might very be the gold standard of apocalypse boyfriends. ER physician: Check. So handy he built his parents a massive log home in Montana: Check. Former owner of pet wolf-dog hybrids: I mean, check?
Apocalypse survival rating: 5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Jonathan
Age: 31Occupation: Tickle Monster
Height: 6'2"
I hope very much that he proves me wrong, but in my heart I believe that sweet Jonathan would have perished long before that guy woke up in 28 Days Later. Like, one day later. Fare thee well in the next realm, Tickle Monster.
Apocalypse survival rating: 1/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Josiah
Age: 28Occupation: Prosecuting Attorney
Height: 6'3"
Josiah is adept at both shooting and jet skiing. One of those two skills seems like it would probably prove more useful than the other in an apocalypse scenario, but you never know exactly what kind of apocalypse scenario you're in for.
Apocalypse survival rating: 3.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Kenny
Age: 35Occupation: Professional Wrestler
Height: 6'
Should any rival roving factions lay claim to your territory, Kenny would gladly choke-slam your enemies into submission. With a smile.
Apocalypse survival rating: 4/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Kyle
Age: 26Occupation: Marketing Consultant
Height: 5'11"
Kyle loves camping and possesses a "general disdain for perceived corrupt authority" (same?), which sounds a little like he's actively rooting for the collapse of civilization. Fair enough.
Apocalypse survival rating: 4/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Lee
Age: 30Occupation: Singer-Songwriter
Height: 5'11"
In a world where Spotify is but a distant memory, having a singer around could be entertaining, if not particularly practical.
Apocalypse survival rating: 2/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Lucas
Age: 30Occupation: Whaboom
Height: 6'
I'm not sure what a "Whaboom" is, but unless a "Whaboom" is a farmer and/or soldier and/or blacksmith and/or midwife, Lucas is a pass.
Apocalypse survival rating: 1/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Matt
Age: 32Occupation: Construction Sales Rep
Height: 6'3"
A job in construction sales makes me think this dude knows how to build a shelter, which is possibly the single most attractive quality a man could have in the apocalypse, other than not being undead.
Apocalypse survival rating: 4/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Michael
Age: 26Occupation: Former Professional Basketball Player
Height: 6'
Good news: Michael is on the Paleo diet, which an excellent idea for both people who want to eat like a caveman and for people who have had no choice but to become one.
Apocalypse survival rating: 3.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Milton
Age: 31Occupation: Hotel Recreation Supervisor
Height: 6'5"
Milton openly admits in his Bachelorette bio that he applied to the show because he hopes it'll get him "discovered" by Hollywood -- which is to say, he is Here For the Wrong Reasonsâ„¢. It's an act of death-defying bravery if I have ever seen one.
Apocalypse survival rating: 2/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Mohit
Age: 26Occupation: Product Manager
Height: 6'
Mohit actually sounds like a likeable guy (a rarity for the Bachelorette cast), but would you choose a Product Manager over, say, a Carpenter to ride aboard your Oregon Trail wagon?
Apocalypse survival rating: 2/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Peter
Age: 30Occupation: Business Owner
Height: 6'3"
Pro: Peter has done three Ironman triathlons, including one on a broken foot! Con: Peter is afraid of heights and deep water. Do you know how much of the world is heights and deep water? Most of the world is heights and deep water.
Apocalypse survival rating: 3.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Rob
Age: 30Occupation: Law Student
Height: 6'2"
Rob spent half his time in college abroad -- in China, Taiwan, Peru, and Spain -- which is great, because you never know which country will step up to fill the power vacuum that follows the Great Flood.
Apocalypse survival rating: 3/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
Will
Age: 28Occupation: Sales manager
Height: 6'3"
Will loves to travel, but hates "the waiting." Sorry, Will. All your life is waiting now. Waiting for death.
Apocalypse survival rating: 2.5/5 Bones Carved to Vaguely Resemble a Rose
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