The most visionary social commentary is often overlooked in its own time. Matt dared to show us all that black and white can coexist in a single being, and that our differences aren't really differences at all, but are in fact just constructs that humans, ever driven by fear, are helpless to grab onto and twist into weapons of hatred and doubt and smoldering negativity -- but that in the end, we are all one, and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can make those first small shuffles towards the only future that won't see humanity destroy itself, in a pitiful quest to save itself. Which is to say: he showed up in a full-body penguin costume.
Jack Stone's mom died when he was in high school, which is obviously rough -- but the good people of The Bachelorette let him use the name "Jack Stone" instead of just "Jack" to make up for it. When they show him in his pre-limo-night intro scene back in Texas, he has a doodle, which is cool! My sister has one and he's a wonderful maniac and you should follow him on Instagram. But then they reveal that he uses one of those plastic things that make it so you can fling tennis balls extra far, because he's overly concerned with wanting his dog to think he has a sweet arm, which I obviously can't support, for obvious reasons.
While he's absolutely poised to be a major detestable presence and possibly even legit villain on this show -- he tells us very definitively that he's wearing a $2000 suit (COME ON!!!) and that he possesses "perfect hair and facial features" -- I'm not convinced that I see the level of creativity or commitment to all-consuming odious detestability required to really pull it off over an entire season. Which is a shame, really, as Jamey clearly sucks, and this show always needs a slimy narcissistic shit-bag to function properly. So Jamey: just suck as hard as you possibly can, suck harder than all those people who tell you you suck thought you could ever suck, and you will suck your way right to at least a half-season of this show sucking less than it would without you.
He seems like a good honest dude, the type of good honest dude who's so honest that he told everyone on his ABC.com bio that he once got a boner in a board meeting and had to present sitting down.
It's-a-me, DeMario!!! He never says that even once. He's also accused -- on a hot tip from hot Whitney from Rachel's season -- of being here for the wrong reasons, which may impersonating his plumber brother named DeLuigi.
Alex lifts a lot of weights, but he also does Rubix Cubes, which is why his mom told him he has an IQ of 180, the same as noted iCarly actor James Woods. And while we're here, this is James Woods' actual IMDB bio: "James Woods is a leanly built, strangely handsome actor-producer-director with intense eyes and a sometimes untrustworthy grin, who has been impressing audiences for over three decades with his compelling performances." My wife says Alex is "really, really handsome" and that James Woods is "I don't know Ben, I don't know who he is, he has a receding hairline and he smirks, I've never seen him, I'm sorry".
My notes: "Who?"