There exists a world in which Chad marries JoJo. They have seven children, two redbone coonhounds, and a refurbished pontoon boat. JoJo has taken a job as a milkmaid, while Chad has worked his way up to driving the best route in the county, delivering Yoo-Hoo. Their happiness relies solely on the simple things, like watching the sunset from the top of a nearby effigy mound, and talking to close friends about Civil War historical nonfiction they've loved. That happiness infects all around them; as they smell the azaleas ringing their home, even fawns seem to smile. It's the future so many of us saw for Chad, and the future that JoJo always deserved.
This, hellishly, is not the world in which we live. No, JoJo's eternal happiness rests on the broad shoulders of Robby, and the less broad shoulders of Aaron Rodgers' Brother, who I accidentally called "Jordan" last week instead of "Aaron Rodgers' Brother," so I guess that joke's over and we'll go with the short version from here on out.
Now's the part when the guys meet JoJo's family, and JoJo's brothers are huge dicks to them because they seem to want their own reality television show.
Jordan meets JoJo's family
And guess what: he brought them all sorts of hats, to be a swell dude. Dad's is a cowboy number that says "Thailand" on it, in embroidered lettering. None of that cheap screen-printed stuff for Jordan.
Let's recall JoJo's parents a little, in case you don't remember them from last time. Mom is wonderful and crazy, and definitely used to be something of a looker herself. She's loud and accented and would clearly rip the sweet potato right from Chad's mouth with her bare hands if it meant her daughter would find true happiness one day. Last time she got pretty internet-famous for facing a bottle of bubbly during the hometown date; this time she seems very together, which is shameful, really.
Somehow, JoJo's mom, who is exotic and loud and forceful and was once the biggest catch in the lake, is married to Herbert Kornfeld, Onion columnist. Seriously, he's JoJo's dad. 100%. He's a man who doesn't say much, but when he says something, ohhhhhh, when he says something, he... really pronounces those four words well.
Also, JoJo's brothers have stopped being dicks, probably because they're afraid of their mother.
Nobody likes Jordan. OK, they kind of DO like him, and that to them is exactly what's most unlikable about him -- they can see right through his QB "everyone come love me" bullshit. Mom thinks he's a "playboy." Dad surely thinks something, but keeps it to himself, biding his time, waiting for that moment when JoJo's mom stops talking. In the meantime, Jordan refuses to ask for JoJo's hand from Pops, and when Mom makes him promise he'll never break JoJo's heart, he gives a pause. Then a longer pause. Another pause. And thinks about how badly he wants to lie, cocks a half-smile, and says, "absolutely not."
Jordan is a bad dude. Remember I said this. He's very bad.
Robby meets Jojo's family
This one goes way better! Robby shoots right in there with flowers for Mom and says, "happy Mother's Day!" I have no idea if it was actually Mother's Day, or if they even have that in Thailand, but still: helluva gesture. Robby spends his time telling stories of their love, and reminding everyone how fantastic JoJo is, and just generally beaming like a man who had a three-martini lunch, won $100K in scratch-offs, and then got to high-five Freddy Mercury.
Mom loves him, and tells Robby she wants him to "make JoJo a queen of your heart." Dad loves him, and when Robby actually asks him for JoJo's hand like Chris Harrison mandates, he says, "you're an outstanding gentleman... she trusts you, she believes in you, she loves you," and cries. Remember those brothers who were dicks to everyone? Even they love him! They were terrible at being dicks anyway, so this is better.
The final Robby date
Would you believe Robby spends the entire time telling JoJo how much he loves her? Of course you can. We don't need to go into too much detail, but the best parts are when he paints his picture of their life together: they're sitting on the most comfortable living room sofa ever, with a dog, the kids are making noise, and they smell food burning -- oh no, they were so lost in the conversation that they overcooked the meatloaf!
And you can tell, JoJo's like, shit. Meatloaf? This is the guy I'm maybe marrying?? I hate meatloaf, as do all people under 53. But wait, here comes Robby!! The sauvignon blanc goes better with delivery pizza anyway! And the kids love it! Meatloaf is out! He was only testing her, via meatloaf!!
He also imagines himself on the golf course, playing 18 with the boys, and calling her the whole time -- that proves how much he loves her. Enough to call her at least once and possibly twice over the course of four and a half hours while he spends massive sums of the family's money. This is the guy you can trust. Which leads JoJo to say, "I trust you so much."
He also brought her some photos he had printed -- of them cliff diving, and also wearing bathing suits in other instances. Robby escaped the hotel, and surely risked banishment, to create memories, memories of their love, memories that will endure, for all eternity. Rodgers brought everybody hats.
The final Jordan date
This one goes way worse! It's all tension and JoJo asking Jordan why the hell he didn't ask Kornfeld for her hand in marriage. For the playboy cool dude with all the moves, Jordan is actually a terrible talker when actually asked questions. He and JoJo have this whole crazy runaround in which she asks about that, and if he's going to propose, and he says that if it was up to him, he would! And JoJo points out that it is up to him, so... are you gonna? Yes, of course. Except maybe not. "You never know until you know... but I'm ok with that," he says. Which somehow works. She's softening.
If this guy wasn't a horrible person because his brother is better at sports, some of this would make sense -- why should anyone have to promise he'll definitely get down on a knee when the possible future fiancée in question can send him away in a hilarious little motor-cart basically whenever, and hasn't even said she loves him at all?
Under normal circumstances, of course that imaginary guy shouldn't have to. But Jordan is a horrible person because his brother is better at sports, and I can see right through it all. It actually seems like he's doing everything he can to set himself up to get cut without coming off like a heel, so he can become the next Bachelor and make the girls go on football-throwing dates every week, so he can throw better than them. We'll see...
Neil Lane is really not innovating with diamond cuts these days
Princess cut, cushion cut... where are the new cuts, Neil? Why aren't you trying something new? Ever hear of a magnolia cut? Of course you haven't, and neither has anyone else, because you're still there churning out emerald cuts like a goddamn sap. And joining the Hair Club for Men, it would seem.
The part where Aaron Rodgers' Brother calls Jojo's parents to ask for her hand
This is the lamest way to do things, which is why he does it.
Alright, Let's Do It: JoJo Is Gonna Pick a Dude
Surrounded by urns, leis, the sea, and fear, JoJo awaits the first guy, the one she will send home on a junk boat in a decently well-constructed body bag. And that first guy to step out of the car is... Robby! Ohhhhhhhhh, Robby. Poor, poor Robby. How does Chris Harrison never give it away when he greets the dude? This is without a doubt his main skill. Heartless Harrison, they used to call him, back in boarding school at Friends Academy.
Robby charges down the hill to the beach, ready to win. He launches into his speech, about "forever love" and yearning hearts and fairy tales. JoJo looks like she just watched Old Yeller, and keeps trying to cut him off, but Robby keeps talking about love. Eventually she breaks through. She can't let him get down on a knee. She woke up this morning wanting it to be him -- every DAY she's been wanting it to be him -- but for reasons even she can't figure out, her heart is somewhere else.
It takes Robby multiple minutes to put together what just happened. Eventually he hugs his now-lost love and says "as long as you're happy." Does Robby not care? Did Robby never care? No: Robby cares. He legitimately cares about her so much that he's not going to be selfish, and will just sit here feeling miserable without even saying something mean. He's going to allow JoJo to do what makes JoJo happy, because he needs her to be happy that badly. Robby's soul was just wrenched from his body through his butthole; he can't even cry on the ride home. Robby's hurt is all our hurt. Except not really. It's actually100% his hurt. But still: poor guy.
Time for Jordan to lie about loving JoJo and propose
Just when you thought he couldn't get any worse, Jordan comes in wearing those stupid double-monk buckle dress shoes, and says some horse shit about being best friends. JoJo tells him she loves him. Jordan looks pretty disappointed that he did alllllll this work to set himself to make it to the final two, then get cut due to all the uncertainty, and become the next Bachelor, and then THIS happens. They make out poorly, and Jordan gets down on a knee and doesn't even have anything prepared. JoJo is somehow in love with all of this.
Where did Robby go wrong? I think he played his love cards too early and too often, and JoJo became totally accustomed to it -- amidst the chase (the actual chase of her, not the boring tall guy), it stopped meaning what she needed. Meanwhile, Jordan is sitting there being all "I don't know! Maybe I love you, maybe I don't! How bout you tell me first! In addition to being a quarterback in college I also punted twice for an average of 30 yards, which doesn't sound like much, but given the field position and the down and distance, was exactly what I wanted!!"
JoJo is clearly used to being pursued, and being pursued by 25 guys only made her crave that all the more. Jordan pulled a classic move: turning all that around, and making her pursue him. Meanwhile, Robby laid all his cards on the table very, very early, and his love-recitations got old right when JoJo wanted something new, wanted to hear just one more guy tell her they really loved her. Being earnest will get you nowhere on this show. Actually that's not true; it will get you to Thailand, and then it will get sand in your loafers, and then it will get you sent right back to Jacksonville, which is one of 30 cities with an NFL team that Jordan never took a single snap for.
Now the big question: Who will be the next Bachelor?
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