It's Fantasy Suite Week on The Bachelorette! Which means it's So... Did They Bang in the Fantasy Suite? Week on BatchSlap.
Well... did they??? Those damn annoying bedroom doors never let you know definitively. Which is why I'm going to break down every big obvious sign, subtle tell, and butt-bound stray hand to let you know, 100% for sure, probably, who JoJo decided to, um, give her rose to.
But real quick: what happened with Luke?
Oh right, Luke. So at the end of last episode, JoJo cut Luke without actually cutting Luke. Which meant that something weird was going to happen, or else it would've deflated the viewing tension of an entire rose ceremony. "Something weird" was Luke removing himself from the lineup to tell JoJo that he loved her alongside an airport luggage cart, and then JoJo having all sorts of semi-sobbing second thoughts. In the end, she went with her first thoughts: Luke is done.
During the Extended Lingering Goodbye Phase that you get at this point of the show, Luke does a masterful job of making JoJo feel shitty despite doing nothing wrong -- she just cut one dude as Chris Harrison mandated. "He also says things like, "I was IN love with you, but I never got the chance TO love you," which is logic-less horseshit that proves Luke needs to go back to a small Texas town and do small Texas townspeople things, like rebuild a tractor engine with only a flathead screwdriver and some masking tape, or try out for 10 more reality television shows.
Did Luke and JoJo have the sex?: No ma'am they did not, ma'am.
Did Robby and JoJo have the sex?
Banging someone on national television (or, just off it) is no small decision! You have to feel remarkably confident in what you have as a couple. You have to have a rock-solid sense that this person will not harm you or your feelings in any way. And you have to really appreciate his proportions.
All that said, the way they structure this show clearly makes all of these people -- Bachelorettes, Bachelors, guy contestants, girl contestants, everyone -- so goddamn primed and prepared to do the horizontal Electric Slide that it's almost unfathomable. Imagine this: you're dating 25 guys, making out with every single one of them all week every week. Then you build an "emotional foundation" with a handful of them, start to feel feelings, which I maintain, thanks again to the nature of how the show is constructed -- mainly, having an objectively attractive person of the opposite sex be the only thing they're allowed to think of for literally months -- they all think are real feelings.
But you're still only allowed to make out, and maybe caress some thighs. Then they give you some cheap Thai beer and put you in a room and turn the cameras off FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST THREE MONTHS. Of course you're gonna jump each other -- the tension has been mounting and mounting, which are also words used to describe a part of sex. So the fact that the sex goes down is almost totally natural, or at least unnatural, but heavily engineered to happen. All of this is worth remembering as we get into these breakdowns.
Has Robby told her he loves her?: Over and over and over. This is a must at this point. Some guys stash the love-telling for the end, so as to shoot pure oxygen into those burgeoning passion-flames. Robby told her maybe five weeks ago. And then again. And again. And basically throughout this entire date. And I honestly believe him.
Has JoJo told Robby she loves him?: No, but she tells us viewers who can keep secrets that she does love him, although she has some concerns. Those concerns are never made quite clear, other than that Ben told her the exact same thing, and was clearly lying and picked Lauren, who now surely hates him because Ben is as boring as a property lawyer on quaadludes. JoJo makes it pretty concrete that she's not going to tell anyone she loves them until they're about to get fake-engaged, and she doesn't waver for Robby. But we know the truth. We know she loves him. She told us!
How'd the date go?: Pretty well! It mainly consists of Robby telling her she loves him, and Robby pulling out the ace up his sleeve, which is actually a note down his pants pockets, from his dad. The note reads: "Robby, I can tell you really love JoJo. Do not get down about all the negativity surrounding your past relationship. Stick to your plan and everything will work out. You are the man. I love you. -Dad."
Robby's dad loves him and feels comfortable admitting it. JoJo is visually touched by the note, and her fears seem to melt away like the semi-hardened fudge topping atop a soft-serve ice cream cone on a hot Thailand day.
Physical attraction level: Seems high! Of course Robbby's beard-line is way too tight to be truly trusted, but JoJo doesn't seem to notice or care. But they're all grabby and kissy and have been for weeks and weeks.
The ways Robby might've blown it: The whole ex- girlfriend thing from last episode, and that's probably it. Aside from that, dude is pretty airtight at the moment.
The X-factor: From time to time he's been calling her "Joelle," which proves that he KNOWS HER, MAN, and that she's a real person. Also, I'm pretty sure her family calls her that, which he maybe found out last week. While it's weird to think she considers Robby a member of her family given everything that might presumably go down in El Suite de Fantasy (sorry, I don't know Thai), this is a strong move.
Telltale signs that they had the sex: Robby hangs the Thailand version of the ol' dorm room tube sock on the door after they go into the camera-less bedroom. Also, the next morning, the camera pans to JoJo's shoes on the nightstand. Shoes on nightstands are gross -- that's where you leave your unwrapped Clark Bars so you can eat them in the middle of the night without having to worry about fumbling around and getting them out of the wrapper. Nobody who hasn't had sex would ever allow shoes on a Clark Bar nightstand.
So... did JoJo and Robby have the sex?: Absolutely. Especially when they wake up in the morning, still in bed, and Robby has totally misplaced his shirt. Plus, the amount/nature of the kissing they do as JoJo leaves, and the ecstatic door-lingering Robby does -- where you can just tell he's waiting for her to leave so he can spin around and do all sorts of celebratory ninja kicks -- is definite first post-first-sex stuff. They did it, and they did it real good.
Did Jordan and JoJo have the sex?
Has Jordan told her he loves her?: Yep, also weeks ago. He's lying, of course, and it's clear he only loves his brother (famous football player Aaron Rodgers) who won't talk to him. But it's a good and necessary lie for the situation.
Has JoJo told Jordan she loves him?: No! She's not going to, remember? However, she does tell us that she is also in love with him, despite loving Robby first, but just isn't going to let Jordan (or, presumably, Robby) know. JoJo hedges herself here, saying that despite this love, she might not be ready to marry him, which isn't unreasonable -- it's worth seeing if he patches things up with Aaron so they can go to Packers games in really large Canada Goose coats and trendy boots with fur shooting out the top.
How'd the date go?: From my perspective? Horribly. I just don't buy anything he says, for one. Just don't. There are also some horrendously solipsistic moments, like when he says that last week, he checked the "final box" of her meeting his family -- completely forgetting that he hasn't met hers, which for even slightly less narcissistically hellbent personalities, is a big box.
She also grills him on where he wants to be a year from now, and his answer is no better than the truth: ideally on Dancing with the Stars, so he can parlay all of this into a sports anchor gig on a local TV news station in Topeka. But this doesn't seem to bother her either, which means: she wants to see him to call a play that leads directly to their Thai hotel room that looks way too much like a Marriott room also in Topeka for my taste.
Physical attraction level: High, for some reason. It's clear that in his failed quest for football immortality, Jordan had been using every trainer in the book, and shamelessly stealing Chad's creatine, to bulk up. And JoJo clearly likes tall, ripped dudes. But underneath it all, Jordan's body is clearly Steve Buscemi's, and not even Steve Buscemi from Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams, a role for which Steve Buscemi only ate Little Debbie snack cakes and did a few, but very noticeable, curls. But it's there now, and JoJo's into it.
The ways Jordan might've blown it: All that stuff I mentioned above, plus the part where he goes on and on about how he always pictured himself getting married, and now JoJo's face is on the woman from his imagination. But she doesn't get that his particular generic princess fantasy actually means that she's essentially interchangeable -- he'll marry ANYONE! Just give him someone to marry!! -- and so, onward he marches, towards the drawer Chris Harrison stocked with condoms. Also he wore a blazer with sleeves that came down juuuuust below his elbows.
The X-factor: Those Packers tickets and the trendy furry boots they represent, maybe.
Telltale signs that they had the sex: (1) After they read the Fantasy Suite Card and agree to proceed, JoJo gives Jordan some reallllll eyes, and says, very clearly not referring to talking about the proper down and distance to run a bubble screen, "I can't wait." (2) She's lying on the bed when he closes the door. (3) He's also shirtless the next morning, and they eat fruit together. (4) Exact JoJo quote: "We took a big step last night... in a really exciting direction." Hut hut hike, Jordan.
So... did JoJo and Jordan have the sex?: I hate it, but yes. They sexed real good, too.
Did Chase and JoJo have the sex?
Has Chase told her he loves her?: Not yet, no, mainly because his parents are divorced. He plans to on the date, though.
Has JoJo told Chase she loves him?: Absolutely not!
How'd the date go?: Let's cut right to the Chase. I wrote that down earlier today intending to use it, and there were really no good places to, so I just did right there, because I said I would. Sometimes you just have to commit to things. Also, this date unleashes a new side of Chase that's very similar to that pun: kind of fun, but ultimately, pretty not-great. He's looser than normal and has a great time making jokes about monkeys, but he's still Chase, and Chase never does anything at all, so why would he here?
Physical attraction level: I guess it's high enough to have him here in the final three, but I'm not particularly sure why.
The ways Chase might've blown it: By telling JoJo he loved her. Didn't think that would be what did him in, did you?? As soon as he told her, JoJo's face turned into a petrified mask of dread, she ran away to a bench outside the hotel room, leaving Chase to pound wine, and then came back and told him he's gone.
I've said it before, but it bears repeating: JoJo is the best Bachelorette at cutting people that I have ever seen, by far. She tells the guys exactly what's going on in her head -- in this case, that she didn't feel the way that she thought she would when he told her he loved her, and that she wouldn't be ready to tell him she loves him in a week -- even if it hurts like hell. She's fair, she's honest, she's rarely boring or mechanical, and while she doesn't sugarcoat any of the message she needs to deliver, she's also not unnecessarily brutal.
She lingers a bit too long on the Chase-cut (maybe I should've saved that sweet pun for here??), because she clearly wants everyone to like her, even those people whose hearts she's just run through a paper shredder. But ultimately she does what she needs to do, and doesn't think that having sex with Chase this particular evening will solve much, likely because he's similarly boring between the hotel sheets they only wash every three days.
The X-factor: It's like the British American Idol or something, I think.
Telltale signs that they had the sex: The part where JoJo was like, "Even though I'm cutting you and sending you home, we should still do it. Strip, boy." Just kidding! There was no sex for Chase.
So... did JoJo and Chase have the sex?: Have you been reading the rest of this story? If you just skipped ahead to here to find out the goods, go back and read the rest, please.
The surprise at the end!!
Chase comes back in the middle of the Everyone Gets a Rose Ceremony with Robby and Jordan, but only to tell JoJo that he didn't want to leave all upset, and that he's proud of her for immediately needing to puke after he told a girl he loved her for the first time ever.
He's after one of two things here: (1) JoJo, after she picks Jordan and they break up in four days because he slept with a girl who thought he was his brother, or (2) he's trying to come off as the nice-yet-heartbroken guy en route to making a play for becoming the most boring-yet-strapping Bachelor since Farmer Chris.
Tonight: The Men Tell Some!
And Chad is there, so I'll be watching. He's going to bite somebody's thumb right off.
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