Jade wins! I love this. She’s been really quiet the whole time aside from the butt-grabbing makeout in Chris’s place, during which she also didn’t make a ton of noise. But to me, she seems like the most normal of these girls and the overall hottest, a rare one-two combo on this show often referred to as the "Cody Quotient." Let’s see what she’s got.
The date card reads: "Your presence is requested at our royal ball, from 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. It’s a secret -- the prince doesn’t know you’re coming." Hmmm. Princes. Royal balls. Midnight. Your sly clues can’t fool me, Harrison. This is a Rapunzel thing! Total Rapunzel. Now, at this point, I’m not sure Jade’s hair is long enough to extend down from an impossibly high tower, nor strong enough to support Chris’s weight as he climbs it, but give her like, 35 to 45 years of growth time, and this will turn into the love story we all want it to be.
After 70 consecutive hours of Jade trying on dresses and getting free Neil Lane earrings as the other girls are forced to watch with their eyes pried open, wanting to ultra-violence her, it becomes clear that all the Neil Lane swag is because Disney is coming out with a new version of Cinderella. So basically, expect Chris and Jade to be eaten by a wolf disguised in a blouse and favored by grandmothers.
Let’s watch Jade work this thing. Ok, so... she was engaged when she was 21! This is a much lighter emotional trauma than most of these girls have endured! It was a hometown-young-love thing, but she realized it was wrong when it turned into a hometown-slightly-less-young-love thing, and everything happens for a reason. When she’s done expressing her extreme views on predestination, Chris chimes in: he was also engaged, in a similar situation! But she was long distance -- at least 3.5 hectares away -- and eventually he realized it also just wasn’t right, much like two of the bowls of porridge they will be consuming later in this date, in keeping with the Cinderella plot line.
Skeptical view: Jade watched Chris on Andi’s season, remembered he talked about this engagement thing, and, in a truly conniving and opportunistic maneuver, recognized a clear opportunity to unload her big baggage while intensely relating to him at the same time. Jade Is The Best view: she actually just thought he should know, and this solo date is, without question, the best time to do that, and she’s completely amazing. So the real question is, why is she here? Girls this hot AND this sane rarely come on this show. Now of course, she traded her family’s only cow to a creepy old man for a bag of magic beans, but aside from that, she seems totally, totally cool.
But it’s not over! Next they go to a big ballroom where a full orchestra plays and they dance, and then they watch the required clip from the new Cinderella film, and HOLY CRAP ROBB STARK IS IN THIS MOVIE!! He must be Rumpelstiltskin. Still thinking of Robb, Chris and Jade make out while being thankful that they’re not brother and sister, and she gets the rose, and runs off before midnight, so she doesn’t turn into Sneezy.