The BatchSlap Bachelor Recap: Week 9

We’re here, people. We’ve made it. The episode in which a producer dictates things to a grip, and the grip writes those things on a date card, and those things get attributed to Chris Harrison, and they say “My name is Chris Harrison, and this is the episode that legitimately makes me a pimp. In the technical way referring to man who sells women’s bodies for money, not the 'people around town think I’m cool' way.” Bring it.  

We’re going to Bali! Well, technically they’re going to Bali, unless you’re reading this blog on a flight to Bali. I’m not going to lie: I had no idea where Bali was before I Binged it. But when I looked at the Bing Map, it did seem very close to a place that might make sense. This is assuming that Bing Maps are up to date. 

Our first set of falling-in-lovebirds take a trip to what Chris calls a "local temple," which is what all temples are, when you are standing near them. Per local temple rules, they have to wear sarongs, and can’t kiss. They look so stylish in them! If these things are sarong, I don’t want to be sa-right! That was such a good joke. From there, they head out on the classic Take Her Around The City And Buy Random Crap From Local Artisans Date. 

Of course Kaitlyn gets this date; they always do it with the "cool" girl who will just love it. Which really doesn’t make sense... wouldn’t you want to take one of the less-cool girls on this date, to see if she can enjoy herself while eating local food NOT on a catamaran? Although I guess they’re all kinda cool at this point.

Next stop is the Monkey Sanctuary, where the little buggers run wild, and the bigger ones attack Chris’s body because he’s holding bananas, and then pee on him. I love that monkeys actually love bananas. I also love when things pee on Chris. They talk about how her Canadian family loved Chris even though he doesn’t know who Guy LaFleur is, and make out under a tree that’s presumably full of monkeys, which, in turn, are presumably full of pee. FOR NOW.

Kaitlyn prefaces her night date by talking about how she’s got nerves, and a guard up, but she’s going to let it down. Chris is also vulnerable! Which means that it’s time for Chris Harrison’s kindly invite to allow them to tear each other apart. To which Kaitlyn says "I can’t... imagine saying no to that!" She really had me there for a second. 

Time for that Fantasy Suite. I find it funny to think about which names they came up with and rejected during the brainstorm session, before they settled on the only slightly creepy "Fantasy Suite." The Pleasure Domicile? The Best Lay Chalet? The Nice Room With Only One Bed and Zero Cameras But Definitely a Microphone? Once in there, she reveals that she is "completely falling in love with him"! But wait: he’s falling in love with her as well! Holy crap. I did not see that coming. He’s really not supposed to say that, and this is the girl I least assumed he’d say it to. THERE ARE NO RULES!!! There is likely sex. 

Is Kaitlyn sincere? Well, she’s Canadian, so she has to be. And I almost totally believe her at this point. The weird thing is, he didn’t even ask her about Iowa, and they didn’t talk about moving there, and where she would get her cool alternative lipstick colors once they arrive. Hmmmm!!
 

Boat date!! You always take the girl you want to see in a bikini on the boat date. We haven’t seen much of Whit in that way, so, good choice. Whitney indeed shows off her butt quite a bit as they tool around the bay, gets back to talking about her mom and sister who was not the nicest to Chris, and then she shows her butt some more. Now it’s time to jump off the boat! Now it’s time to immediately get back on the boat.

Whitney tells us that she’s very confident she’s going to marry Chris, and then tells him that she’s head over heels in love with him. Just spits it right out! He does not say the same thing. Is Kaitlyn our current leader?

Whitney dons an extremely yellow dress for the night date, and FINALLY he broaches the whole "I live in the smallest town in a state full of small towns" topic. Whitney says it’s cool! But, I also kinda forgot: she’s the only one who didn’t go and see it. He says there’s are 500 people in Arlington (true), and there’s zero to do (true), and that Des Moines is two hours away (lie), and that if you want to do something, you go somewhere else (but where?). 

Now, would Whitney say she wants to move to a town of 400 people (oh man, it’s shrinking by the minute)? No! Has she worked incredibly hard and handled literally trillions of sperm to get where she is in her career? Yes!! But would she want to start popping out kids if she was living there so things were slightly less incredibly boring? Also yes!! Best part is, you don’t have to worry about the kids also being incredibly bored until they turn like four. 

Gratification Dwelling Card in hand, Whitney also agrees to get laid. She makes a "check please" joke, which is humorous, because everything on these trips is paid for by a television network and not them. They head into the suite, and I honestly can’t tell if Chris is on autopilot with her because she’s out, or because she’s the lock to win. Speaking of autopilots, Chris’s time in the Relations Room was probably a lot like this:

This is the big one right here, folks. The one where Becca tells him that she’s been saving herself for marriage, and Chris is like, "Harrison, aren’t you a licensed minister?" because he’s charming but also wants to get some action RIGHT NOW. But before that, they embark on Chris’s dream date: wandering farms in the Balinese countryside. You couldn’t even fit a tractor in most of these fields, he exclaims, pausing for a laugh that never comes. There are roosters, and people carrying bags of crops on their heads, and fascinating irrigation systems Chris assumes Becca is super-interested in. 

While Chris’s head is still in the compost-pile cloud, they hit up another temple, where countless previews have told us there is a guy who tells them they should "make love" this evening. Chris likes this guy, assuming Becca will now have to do him since the guru said so. As they sit in a field and make out, Becca tells us she’s worried about the Extra Large Hotel Room of Physical Enjoyment. This is more like the FINAL Fantasy Suite. Because all people who play RPG video games, no matter how spectacular the graphics or engrossing the storyline, are virgins. 

Becca still doesn’t tell him the deal at dinner. There’s talk of Arlington, and everyone tells everyone they’re falling in love with each other (sorry, Whitney!), and it’s time for that fateful card. Seems she’s waiting until she’s actually IN the damn thing to be like "I don’t do what people do in here." It’s bold.

As Chris uses all sorts of nice-guy euphemisms for the sex, like "next level of intimacy," and "learning a lot about each other," she finally works up the nerve. The cameras stay around for a few extra minutes as she launches into the speech that will determine her fate. She’s been nervous to bring it up, and doesn’t want to skim over it, and... I AM A VIRGIN. That was Becca talking, not me. I swear! He’s flabbergasted. He seems to freeze up -- which is not what virgins like to see when you tell them you’re a virgin -- and then might even look mad. It’s seriously a minute before he can say anything. OH MY GOD THIS DUDE WAS SO READY TO BONE. Ummm... he respects that! In a lot of ways. This says a lot about who she is. Mainly, the part where she’s a virgin. But she stays, and she says some things about new places and going to them, and... wait. Did they just do it? Did that really happen? BECCA, NO!!!!!!!
 

They did not. That's pretty obvious the next morning.
 

Chris tells him stuff, and relays that "it’s not so cut and dry, with Becca," partly because, virgin, and partly because she’s not totally ready to move to Iowa just yet. I think they didn’t show that part. Whitney is also not mentioned much, and I have no idea what to think about her standing still.

It’s all going down at another one of the most sacred temples of Bali. Nothing more than hand-holding is allowed here. No more trying to deflower virgins, CHRIS. Becca hasn’t slept, and kinda looks like it -- her hair is just everywhere. All the ladies are wearing really nice temple-robes; Kaitlyn might have brought hers from home. Whitney is doing breathing exercises. It’s about to go down.

But wait! Chris immediately pulls Becca aside, to a secluded part of the temple where the other girls can see him and Becca talk extremely clearly. Whitney thinks this means Becca's gone -- he wouldn’t put her through the rose ceremony. Which doesn’t make any sense, since she’s already there, and only one girl is going home, so this would basically be the same thing. But, good high-quality wishful thinking from Whitney here. 

Becca time. She doesn’t know if it was the conversation they had, or the time apart, but she’s realized that she’s crazy about Chris. And it’s not about not just wanting to go home and have this thing -- the thing where they wing 1/3 of the way around the country to go scenic Iowa for dates -- come to an end. Chris was wondering if it was the show that was making her feel these ways. Becca says she can only credit the show for introducing them. She’s composed and they’re looking each other in the eyes for maybe the first time the entire season, and she seems totally for real. 

She is nailing this way harder than she’s nailed anything in her life. Get it??? Chris really likes her, and really is falling in love with her! She’s willing to have more conversations about Arlington! She doesn’t want him to think it’s something she’s taken off the table at all!! She is saying things, something he continues to remain incapable of!! 

And just like that, Chris walks her back in. Whitney is not happy at all. Kaitlyn gives her trademark smile that says she’s kinda just having fun/is Canadian and they’re nice people who smile. The tension mounts. THE TENSION. Oh my god there’s so much tension. This is how you build tension in writing: just talk about tension.

Whitney gets the first rose. SNAP! This just got real. She’s happy. It’s down to two, and they play music that sounds like it’s from a fight sequence in The Next Karate Kid, the one with Hilary Swank. Remember all that tension? There is still that. And the second and final rose goes to... Becca! Oh man, Becca. That speech did it. You can talk Chris into anything, even if he can't talk you into sex.

Kaitlyn, who’d kept it good and loose the entire show up to right now, starts to lose it immediately. She turns down hugs from the other girls, probably because Whitney couldn’t even wait for Kaitlyn to leave before looking incredibly happy, and Chris walks Kaitlyn out. 

The talk they have is nice, but ultimately pointless. Chris reads a very well composed script containing clauses like "there are certain things I don’t even understand right now" and "I don’t know if this is the right thing" and "I think the absolute world of you." She doesn’t say much of anything, he puts her in a minivan, a rooster crows even though it’s like 3:45pm, and she’s gone. No matter how many producers Britt sleeps with, she has a 33.333333% chance of being the next Bachelorette.
 

Chris gets fake-engaged to whichever girl his parents would most like to see in Iowa a total of three more times before they break up.