For the unfamiliar, BatchSlap is considered by many erudite scholars to be the finest Bachelor/ette recap in the Western Hemisphere (there's a much better one in Belarus). It used to happen here. Now it happens... here.
How in tarnation are they not doing this on the damn farm???
That question will linger over this entire season, and I’m not sure we’ll ever get a satisfactory answer. My only hope is that all their fabulous trips are to the feed store, and the Fantasy Suite is Ray Kinsella's corn from Field of Dreams.
For new readers: what the hell have you been doing? Reading Unscripted Television Show Stephen instead? Forget him. Also, here’s the deal: for the first episode of each Bachelor or Bachelorette season, I provide a critical and often highly superficial breakdown of all the girls who got roses, even though some of the ones who didn’t are more hilarious. I’ll also get into both Chrises (Chrisi?) and some other notables seen milling about.
On with it.
What to Watch Before and After the Super Bowl
Chris The Farmer
Chris now rides motorcycles and wears cool leather jackets, does LOTS of contemplation on said motorcycle and also in close proximity to mulch spreaders, and loves discussing the price of bushels with 80-year-old dudes in the town’s only bar where women are definitely not allowed. His grandfather started on 40 acres, with apparently zero mules to speak of, and now Chris owns at least 600 farms. I started to count how many times he said "harvest," but then for some reason he stopped mentioning it when the girls showed up, and I only hit five. Disappointing for everyone, really. From their height stats on ABC.com, it sure seems that he likes short chicks. Which makes sense -- they’re better at removing beets from the farmland without any negative long-term effects on their back.
Chris The Harrison
The head pimp is pimpin’ pimpier than ever. Stay pimp, pimp.
The Red Carpet
So for the premiere they had a big red carpet party in LA, and decided to bring back everyone’s favorites from past seasons of the Bachelor/ette and have them stand very close to, but in no way interact with, legions of nearby fans. But when Bentley and Jef With One F couldn’t make it, they decided to go with a lesser crew including Brooks, Michelle Money, Dog Girl, Nick the Baseball Man, Sharleen O’ The Opera, Bukowski, Andi and Josh, Marcus and Lacey, Elise and Dylan, and the basketball coach dude who hit a half court shot and didn't make out with Andi until three hours later. Everyone is getting smashed on champers, and Catherine of Catherine-and-Sean is wearing a very lovely cape from the Little Red Riding Hood Beekeeper Collection.
She’s a flight attendant from #JerseyStrong, and so she created a series of "clever" safety videos about how smoking is not allowed unless you’re smoking hot and named Chris. In which case, you’re totally allowed to smoke on airplanes. It must be from the '80s. And, just like most flight attendants these days, she refused to bring me a single bag of peanuts even though I asked really nicely. If she won the lottery she would adopt dogs! I’m not sure she understands how lotteries -- or adoption -- work.
Is highly attractive. It’s just a fact. After she got out of the limo and said "hi," they did the one where he stares down her butt all the way into the house, heart all aflutter, and you basically know that she’s going to finish in the Top 3. She’s a cosmetics developer, which is a career that’s been hard to find work in ever since cosmetics went digital and all the cosmetics darkrooms closed up shop.
Ladies and gentlemen who really need to stop watching reality television such as this: say hello to your First Impression Rose Winner! And also the first person I can remember who made out with the Bachelor/ette in the first episode, ever. When I first got a look at the ABC.com Bachelor cast page a week ago, it was like, ok, Britt is ridiculously good looking and is going to win. Today, I’m like, ok, Britt is ridiculously looking and is going to win. But she's also sweet at hell! At least for now. Years of recapping experience insist that this total package she's showing is just too good to be true, but who knows. She’s a Hollywood waitress who claims David Foster Wallace is her favorite author, just like most Hollywood waitresses. I can only imagine that when someone orders a salad, in an attempt to drive up their bill she says, "Excellent choice, but would you consider the lobster?", and everyone laughs a knowing laugh, and then they order the lobster, but only because they think she’s hot, not because they've read that story.
The first thing she said to Chris when she exited the limo was, "You can plow my field anytime." Despite being a "farmer," Chris didn’t understand what this meant, leading me to believe that he’s outsourced all his actual plowing work to people by the name of Shep. After that, and a few other interesting comments that would make students in a college psychology class very interested in studying her brain, it’s honestly shocking that she got the first rose of the non-Britts, and I love it. Here’s our comic relief for at least a few weeks.
She kinda looks like Sandra Bullock, a bit, except she’s not in space. She was recently in beauty pageant though, and Miss Congeniality is a much better Sandra Bullock movie anyway. Also, she’s a fashion designer who makes $58 t-shirts with logos that look like broken WiFi.
Ashley I is a threat to do something wild, because she looks like Amy Winehouse, and Amy Winehouse is not alive, so why would Amy Winehouse care about getting kicked off a reality television show? Her worst date was when she tried to be a cougar at 26. I’m not sure she understands how cougars work. I’ll let her Twitter profile take it from here: "Wedding Videographer (INTERNET HEART) Freelance Journalist (INTERNET HEART) Beauty Junkie & Blogger (INTERNET HEART) Pisces (INTERNET HEART) Tacos (INTERNET HEART) Crop Tops (INTERNET HEART)."
When I only knew Tandra from her ABC.com photo, I said, "she looks like a budget version of Serena van der Woodsen." Didn’t get a much better look at her since she didn’t do a ton, and showed up wearing a helmet on a motorbicycle, so I will not change this opinion. Very tall.
Her top three favorite movies are The Lion King, Reservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale. I guess there’s murder in TheLion King, too.
Her biggest date fear is diarrhea, and she’s a guidance counselor. In case she didn’t make The Bachelor, her safety shows were Storage Wars: Texas, Extreme Couponing, and Meerkat Manor. She’s also our first legit sob story of the season: her husband died from a seemingly random heart attack, presumably at a very young age, less than a year and a half ago. So, it’s definitely weird that she’s on this show! That said, she’s really very good looking in a different kind of way than the rest of these girls, and seems totally sincere, and obviously I feel horrible for her. Final 6 for her all the way, and not just on sympathy. You can’t get that deep on sympathy alone.
She threw up in her purse one New Year’s. Chris calls her "Blondie." That’s all I got.
In her ABC.com photo, Juelia (sp?) seems to have the jaw and neckline of Green Bay Packers linebacker A.J. Hawk. In real life, Juelia (sp?) is much prettier than A.J. Hawk.
Former NFL cheerleader in the house! Hopefully not for the Jets. Oh god, it's the Jets. Also, she’s on the cover of most of the books people buy in the grocery store. She keeps babbling and babbling about how she just flew in from Peru, and boy are her arms not tired, since she works out a lot because cheerleaders must be very fit!! Also she bought a rock that looked like a heart and tries to pass it off as a "magical" heart-rock she found at Machu Picchu. Not to be confused with Nikki of Nikki-and-Juan Pablo, even though that Nikki was barely recognizable on the red carpet thanks to, cough, recent, um, you know, ahem, enhancements. Of her breasts.
KINDA looks like a version of Kacie B who fell asleep on a beach during peak tanning hours. Her biggest date fear is "having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber." My biggest date fear is going on a date with her to Chili’s.
Is 21, already has a kid, and is not familiar with alfalfa, but she is damn sure she wants it to be organic. She thinks life jackets are red, and hey, I often think that too, except there is only a very, very small statistical chance that she is also colorblind. On the ABC.com questions, she says the two things she can’t live without are food and water. She does understand how this works!
Another contender right here. She’s a very adorable schoolteacher from Wellington, Florida, which looks insanely wealthy even from Google satellite photos, and, obviously, was once the world's largest strawberry patch. Gotta get that strawberry money. She pulled the textbook farmer-heart-winning move of having her schoolkids write simply darling notes to Chris, because all farmers love teachers who nefariously force their kids to do things other than learn, for their own love-finding ends.
Jillian is jacked. She’s got biceps for days (possibly weeks), and quads like an X-Men character from when Jim Lee was doing the art and all their quads were extra super-large and very sharp-looking. If she never got to eat, she would be very sad. I’m not sure she understands exactly how sad.
Looks a LOT like this girl I used to work with named Angela, except I don’t think it’s her, because her name is Whitney. She’d been crossing off the days until she got to meet Chris on a calendar like a psychopath who doesn’t even own a smartphone. She’s a fertility nurse, which she feels allows her to make hilarious "jokes" like "I make babies every day." Despite all this, Chris seems to like her.
Might have had even more to whiskey drink than Tara! But at least she was quiet about it.
Somehow, the lone cruise ship singer of the bunch. She resembles the lady from the original Muppet Movie, who comes out when Kermit says, "Myth! Myth," and says, "Yess???" It’s literally the only bad joke in the entire movie.
She looks like a version of Jenna Maroney who is incapable of blinking or closing her mouth. She puts pennies in Chris' shoe. She wants to run through the sunflower fields. She likes pomegranates. She thinks everything is an onion. EVERYTHING IS NOT A HILARIOUS SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER WITH AN ODDLY GOOD ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT SECTION, ASHLEY S!! Also, what the eff is the deal with this two-Ashley minimum on every goddamn season? They always suck. Except for the original Ashley S, whose Bachelor blog is the only other one I respect.
Trina did nothing, except collaborate with Trick Daddy on popular songs like "We Got" and "Take it to Da House."
Be sure to check back next Tuesday for the recap of episode 2, when Chris teaches the girls how to use a three-point manure spreader!!!