When we last left Bachelortown, a lot was going on. Ashley Winehouse-Kardashian and Krazy Kelsey had been abandoned in the Badlands, with nothing more to survive off of than an ornate bed and abundant, clay-rich soils. The remaining girls threw a Champagne party in the hotel in honor of Kelsey’s ousting. The rose ceremony hadn’t happened at the end of the episode, because THERE ARE NO RULES ON THIS SEASON. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up hope on there being Ja Rules this season, as unlike the rose ceremony, he’s always on time.
And just to keep the twists coming, there will not be a rose ceremony at all! Megan very politely uses her one-on-one time to tell Chris that she doesn’t feel like there’s been any progression, which is a word that’s about three syllables longer than I assumed Megan was capable of knowing. Chris agrees, and... there she goes! He’s sparing her the ceremony headaches; she’s heading home. And then the old softie decides that he doesn’t know who else to cut, so that’s that. Everyone is going to Iowa, to meet Chris’s overalls closet and pretend they would love to live there.
First stop: Des Moines, the plural of Des Moine! Did you know that Des Moines has a 19.2-minute average commute time, one of the lowest for a city of its size? Or that in 2012, the West Des Moines Community Schools outlawed grinding at school dances? Of course you did, everyone knows these things.
The first one-on-one date: Jade
Jade is wearing a flannel shirt because she is now in Iowa, and gets driven out to Chris’s hometown of Arlington. Chris is hanging out with some of the coolest guys in Arlington, who are all cows. He informs Jade that land is one of his passions, as she aerates said land by stomping around on it in her heels.
From the farm they head into “town,” which is more like “a store, that closed, because THE EVIL, BUT HIGHLY COST-EFFECTIVE MACHINES ARE TAKING OVER THE FARMS.” There are no restaurants, the bar is shuttered, and there’s some dude who somehow got his hands on a Farberware coffee percolator, and will make you a cup if you go to his house. From there, it’s off to Chris’s high school for a football game, where Jade meets Chris’s Mom and Dad, and then doesn’t even sit with them.
They walk around the empty halls of Chris’s high school, he reminisces about the times he had detention in the library, and this is the perfect segue for Jade to reveal her “wild side.” Which she describes as “you know, a wild side,” instead of calling it “I took all my clothes off for Playboy and now your Mom could easily see my labia on the Internet if she wanted to.” But she’ll get to that.
Back at the field, they watch the home team lose, but the crowd isn’t here for football victories -- they’re here to see Chris and Jade make out on the 50 yard line! They cheer for them to do that, and they do that, and that’s everything. Because numbers are getting thin here, there’s no rose, but as long as Jade doesn’t tell Chris about her former career as a butt-plug spokeswoman before she gets there, she pretty much locked up a hometown date after this.
The second one-on-one date: Whitney
This date is mad boring. They go Des Moines’ premier art museum featuring pictures of people hugging each other, and then set out into the city to display their own hugging, as people take pictures of THEM! Then they go to a bar, meet up with some of Chris’s best forever friends, they like Whitney because she’s a Bears fan, and she says she doesn’t have any parents because her Mom unfortunately died from a crazy complication during a routine medical procedure, and her Dad is a deadbeat. That’s literally all that happens.
The other girls break out and go to Arlington
While Chris and Whitney are galavanting around making art, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Becca leave Jade at the hotel with her webcam, and make the three-hour road trip to Arlington themselves, so they can meet the cows too. The bulk of the trip is them making funny faces and looking bored as crap, and also thinking it smells like crap, which it surely does.