Oh wait: we’re back to puns. Turns out the party animals are REAL animals who have probably never even had a shot of Goldschläger in their lives. Even though Chris is a grain farmer, the girls have to complete a highly complex obstacle course that involves said animals: shuck some corn, raid a chicken coop like they're cartoon foxes, grab an egg, go crack the egg into a pan, milk a goat until a cup is half-full like this is a bucolic-version of Double Dare, drink that milk, catch a greased pig, then spend the next five days showering.
Carly and Jillian are your main competitors here. Carly is clearly determined to take this down, and will not allow any amount of unpasteurized goat milk to get in her way. Jillian, meanwhile, is still having her butt blacked out by that rectangle every single time she so much as rotates to profile.
It must be addressed: what’s the deal here? Does she have like seven butts? Does she have the word "dagnabbit" tattooed on that thing? Is her butt accused of a crime, but not yet proven guilty, and is being transported into the courthouse to stand trial amidst a sea of media? Does she have eight butts????
Probably the last one. Eventually Carly wins, and collects her prize: taking a picture with Chris dressed up like the sex-symbol couple from the classic pitchfork-ad painting, "American Gothic." Also I never really noticed until just now that that dude wore overalls under his pimpin' blazer AND has his top button buttoned! He’s like 80 years ahead of the trends!! Dude would’ve killed it on the Farmtorialist.
Come the night portion, Chris makes out with every single girl except for Becca, who pulls the classic "nope, you’re actually just going to awkwardly hug me" move when he moves in, and she... somehow gets the rose! This confirms our most incontrovertible rule of the season so far: if you want a rose, you just have to not-kiss Chris, or eat a quarter of shrooms on an empty stomach, or do something else that he will clearly hate. Then, because he is simple and confused, he will give you the rose.
The second one-on-one date: Whitney "Today is going to be fun -- no whining." So, she cries. No whines though. Way to listen. All the girls say "yayyyyyyy!" Some even say "amazing," because why the hell do they need a dollar when there’s a cupboard jammed with 72 free handles of Ciroc about nine feet away.
So, this wasn’t even really a pun: they’re at a winery. There will be wine-ing! Also: dreadfully boring conversation. What are you looking for, Chris? Oh, you know, "someone who’s smart, and beautiful, and all those cliches." This dude even flags his own love-cliches, which in no way mitigates the cliches. SHE MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY BELIEVED YOU AND THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT HER IF YOU DIDN’T FLATLY TELL HER YOU WERE SPEAKING IN CLICHES, BRA!!
Chris also likes a girl who can just shoot the manure, and talk to Joe Blows (now look: just because I know he’d want me to tell you, I know Joe, and he swears he doesn’t do this), and have a good time. Which makes it very obvious that their entire plan to "crash" a "wedding" they just "happen" to "see" is not at all spontaneous. The really sad part is that, just like Juan Pablo, they have to keep dropping Chris into situations where he doesn’t have to talk to his date, except this one actually speaks English.
The wedding-crashing portion consists of Chris being terrible at talking but actually pretty sweet at dancing, the production team putting Blair Witch filters on their cameras to make it seem like they were sneaking around and not shoving giant cameras that say "ABC" in all the Grandmas’ faces, and the quote of the season from Whitney: "There’s something about weddings that’s just very romantic." She can’t quite put her finger on it, but there’s definitely SOMETHING. Probably the pigs in blankets.
Nobody made a single "lock it up; no you lock it up; lock it up" joke the whole time.
Yay, she gets the rose, yay. Amazing.
The cocktail party Is actually a pool party!! Jimmy Kimmel’s idea. Chris’s idea was "grain elevator party." The highlights:
-Juelia (sp?) is upset because she doesn’t think that impromptu pool parties are a good time to talk about husband-suicide. But she does it anyway! And tells Chris this whole horrifying tale about how her hubby was all mentally unstable, came home one day and told her he wrote a suicide note, did something weird to their kid, then left and capped himself. Luckily, Chris gives her a big hug for all her being totally, utterly ruined by this.