The BatchSlap Bachelor Recap: Week 2


Someone told me there was a football game on TV last night. That someone was Ohio State head football coach Urban Meyer. I have no idea how he got my Snapchat. Then I watched The Bachelor anyway. 

So, for those who didn’t read last week’s recap, and also for those who did (because I didn’t mention it due to formatting concerns): we ended up with a girl who didn’t get a rose, and then was about to do something crazy BECAUSE SHE GAVE UP THREE DAYS OF HER LIFE TO BE HERE AND SHE DESERVES THIS. She’s outside talking to Farmer Chris.

It’s Kimberly, our yoga instructor from Long Island, who surely enjoys North Country Village chicken cutlet sandwiches with melted American cheese, bacon, and Russian dressing. Kimberly feels like she didn’t get a chance, and expresses that to Farmer Chris outside, where it is very, very bright because they start these Rose Ceremonies at like 6am to ensure the girls are in as compromised a mental state as possible. Farmer Chris then talks to Harrison Chris, and minutes later, just like that, Kimberly has a rose and all the other girls want to stab her with their Aldos.

After that, Chris spends some time oiling up his body in front of a mirror and admiring how jacked he is, thanks to Cody training him like mad, farm-style. I hear he deadlifted a horse. He also keeps talking about how he’s the luckiest man alive because all the girls here are sooooo beautiful. He doesn’t even care if they’re blonde or brunette! He makes this very clear! Hair color does not matter to Chris -- he’s an advanced kind of man! He’s way past hair color. The important part, to him, is that they’re all still extremely hot. That’s what's crucial. Not the hair color; just how hot they are. 


The first group date

The first date card, written by some producer with impressive handwriting and not Chris, reads: "Show me your country." They all point to the US on a map, except for Kaitlyn, because she’s from Canada. Then the card asks Jade, Mackenzie, Tandra, Ashley I, Tara, and Kimberly to come on a date. Ohhhh, Kimberly, scoring dates over ladies who earned the rose by actually talking to him, and like, getting a rose. This girl is going to be such a target. Now, is it bad to be a discount big-box retailer that also offers affordable fashion from high-end designers? No, not necessarily. But it still seems like a tough road. Also, if anyone goes there, please get me some of the travel shampoos and other small stuff from those little bins near the entrance.

First stop on the road to being country is obviously a pool party, during which Chris makes all the girls strip down to bikinis and do chicken fights. For those wondering why this is happening, just think about it. In the country, everyone has huge backyards. What do you do with a huge backyard? You put a pool in it, of course! That’s why I never had a pool: backyard was too small. And then you make the pool and invite over six women who don’t know each other, and force them to climb on each other’s shoulders and just soak up allll that country. This is why most people get into farming in the first place.

After that, it’s on to the second most country thing possible: walking through Downtown LA in those same bikinis. And then, the third: racing tractors at about .5mph in Downtown LA in bikinis. 

Obviously I’m just joking, because everyone knows the most country thing is accidentally shooting your brother in the leg with a shotgun and then stealing an apple pie that someone’s mom just placed on the windowsill to cool. With that in mind, these bikinis are weird, and also not really fitting with the theme. It’s interesting: it’s almost like because Chris is so damn nice and doesn’t use swear words, he can get away with speaking about these girls exclusively in highly superficial terms, and setting up dates specifically so he can check out their racks while they ride tractors. It’s interesting and not really expected. But then again, remember how much everyone loved Juan Pablo those first couple episodes? There is still time for the world to turn on the Farmelor.

Anyway, they clearly speed-limited those tractors, and Ashley Winehouse-Kardashian wins a remarkably boring race. She claims she’s having so much fun wearing a bikini on a tractor. Chris then goes back to the group and tells them that because they went through all the trouble of wearing bikinis on the street in Downtown LA, most of them get to go home without talking to him, and only one gets to go on a longer date, where Chris also won’t talk. Mackenzie wins because before she was forced to strip down to a bikini, she wore overalls, which are country. 

Because nobody in LA is desperate for fame and they will all just totally sit there quietly while TV cameras are on them, the solo date is in a bar full of lots of other people. Mackenzie notices that Chris used to have an earring, because she’s "super observant" when it comes to new people’s earlobes. She also tells him he has a big nose, because she’s tactless. She wants to know if he believes in aliens, because she really loves ALF, presumably. 

And then she gets to be the first girl this season to tell Chris she’s got a kid, because she has a kid. "I have a kid!" "You have a child? That’s awesome." And that’s that. Her son’s name is Kale because it’s always great to name your kid after fad vegetables, and she shows Chris pictures of him on her phone. HOW THE EFF DID SHE GET A PHONE?? There are no phones on this show. Everyone knows that. It’s one of the main tactics they use to ensure these girls have zero contact with the outside world and are forced to fall in love with a farmer they’ve said seven words to. 

Anyway, Chris swears he’s not afraid of kids, mainly because he’s been working out with Cody. Mackenzie gets the rose and they make out in front of an Addams Family pinball machine, which is generally considered to be one of the finest pinball machines ever made. 

A couple important happenings back at the shack

-Jacked Jillian and Megan sneak into Chris's house, because the producers placed Chris's house on the other side of an unlocked gate, and then told everyone. The whole time, Jillian’s butt is blacked out with one of those squares, either because she’s not wearing pants of any kind (possible), or because her butt is really hairy, according to Kaitlyn (more possible). 

-Things get really real. Juelia (sp?) also has a daughter, but the dad is dead. He killed himself right after the daughter was born. Holy crap. She tells all the girls, and they clearly have no idea what to do, and do a very good job of that. 

The one-on-one date: Megan

The date card reads, "Love is a natural wonder," which I suppose is just true. No further comment! As she grabs Chris’s hand ever so tightly and shoves it into her cleavage, they limo to the airport, where they get on a private plane likely owned by Rick Ross, then get in a very classy chromed-out helicopter definitely owned by Rick Ross, then take that to the Grand Canyon. 

This date looks like it’s going to be as boring as the time a guy walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope AND IT WAS SOMEHOW INCREDIBLY BORING, and yet I watched the whole thing kinda hoping he would fall. But then: another horrifying family story of death and loss: right after she said she’d do the show, Megan’s dad had a heart attack and died. And then she went on the show anyway. She seems oddly un-sad the whole time, but I’ll chalk that up to just not knowing how to deal with it, given the very weird situation she’s suddenly in. They are really stepping up the trauma quotient this season: in an episode and a half we’ve already logged a recently dead dad and two dead husbands. Ignoring this, they make out and she obviously gets the rose. 

The second group date

We’ve got a big haul here. Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jacked Jillian, Kacie B-ish, Becca, Amber, Ashley S Who Looks Like Jenna Maroney, Juelia (sp?), Kaitlyn, and Britt: "Till death do us part." That’s the classiest possible date card for a show that’s recently revealed a dead dad and two dead husbands. 

The Chris-less limo pulls up into a weird industrial area where people clearly get don’t ever murdered but that’s what they want you to think, and eventually some zombies come and attack the car because zombies are popular in television and movies at the current moment. It’s boring. But then they give them paintball guns and tell them to shoot the zombies. Which is also boring, even though they’re not wearing CLOSE to the proper eye protection and everyone’s at serious risk here. 

And then Ashley S happens. At first she seems like she drank too much, but it quickly becomes clear that she’s either been dosed with 700 hits of mescaline, or does not have synapses in her brain. Her insanity is a highly unique kind of insanity. She speaks only in one-to-three-word non-sequiturs, hasn’t blinked in at least four and a half weeks, and seems very convinced and happy that they’re in Mesa Verde, which is in Colorado. 

As all the other girls scream and run and dive out of the way of the undead, Ashley Maroney strides through the chaos, popping zombies and talking about how an angel might get the rose this evening, and how she’s not going to tell Chris the way to the truth. After proclaiming, "you don’t want to lose the whole world, but actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world," which is probably true, she goes out to the parking lot and lies down because there’s a cat nearby. She makes the real Jenna Maroney appear to have the composure and professionalism of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. 

Other less-interesting things that happened: Kaitlyn and Chris make out, Britt and Chris make out, and holy crap Britt is attractive and really good at this show, and Kaitlyn gets the rose because you can’t give it to Britt EVERY time.


The cocktail party highlights

-Whitney The Fertility Nurse gives Chris a bottle of whiskey from Iowa and they drink it because farmers love local whiskey.

-Jordan is also making a nice fun fool of herself, but at least has the excuse of having consumed way too much alcohol. 

-Ashley Winehouse-Kardashian is the virgin. She’s the virgin!! I would not have guessed that she would be the virgin. 

-Mackenzie is terribly jealous of Ashley Winehouse-Kardashian being the virgin because "guys like taking your virginity" and "it’s going to make you stay here so much longer," "cause he’s going to be like, 'I’m going to take your virginity!',” and "I can’t even use that excuse because I have a kid." So, she’s got one part right. 


Them roses

Alright! So, this week, Chris has proven that he can say zero or possibly a negative amount of words and an episode can still be truly entertaining. That’s a good harbinger for the remainder of this season. But you can’t go cutting all the crazies if you want that to continue! Let’s see what he does. 

First up... Britt! I mean, obviously. She clearly locked up his heart during that discussion of David Foster Wallace’s innovative but sometimes controversial extreme use of footnotes in fiction. Ashley I’s up after that, because guys love giving roses as much as they love just ripping women’s virginity away from them. Trina somehow gets the third one, and Kelsey and Samantha grab theirs after that. 

Juelia (sp?) gets called next, but for some reason Jillian comes down, probably because Juelia (sp?) is spelled weird. In an impressive attempt to compound her embarrassment, she trips on the rug and almost goes down hard, then laughs a laugh that would frighten children, dogs, and the elderly. Then Amber and Tracy get one, before Jillian actually gets called, and does a bunch of squat-thrusts in celebration. Jade (whew!), Nikki, Becca, Carly, and Whitney, you’ve all got roses, and there is but one left. 

We’re down to Tara the Intoxicated Sportfishing Enthusiast (who is not even really that intoxicated tonight), Jordan the Intoxicated Student, Tandra, Alissa, and Ashley Maroney. And the final rose goes to... Ashley! Ha!!!! This is the best. Chris literally can’t cut people because they have psychological issues, because he’s too nice. Stay soft, dude. Stay soft.

Next week!

Jimmy Kimmel is there. But it seems like he’s really there, not just there like when he shows up at the end of the show to do something "funny" with the Bachelor. That's it.