Ranking the 'Beauty and the Beast' Characters by How F*cking Creepy They Are
While the trailers for Disney's Beauty and the Beast sold the live-action remake of the 1991 animated classic as a lighthearted musical romp for the whole family, it's actually something far more sinister: a horror movie about household objects terrorizing a captive young woman.
There was always something vaguely sinister about the tale of Belle, a book-loving young woman played here by Emma Watson, falling for a furry CG Beast (Dan Stevens), but the new version is unsettling. Perhaps the most disturbing detail of the remake is that the singing-and-dancing houseware now look like they emerged from a Dalí painting. To help you sort through the emotional wreckage of seeing your childhood friends become skin-crawling automatons, we've gone ahead and ranked the objects by creepiness. Someone had to.
7. Maestro Cadenza
What's the object? A harpsichord
Who voices it? Stanley Tucci
Why it's creepy: This object wasn't included in the original animated version, so it doesn't have a cuter cartoon analog, which makes it feel a little less grotesque. It probably just exists to sell toys, right? Kids love harpsichords.
6. Mrs. Potts
What's the object? A teapot
Who voices it? Emma Thompson
Why it's creepy: Besides the design of the face and the dead eyes, Mrs. Potts isn't actually that creepy compared to her fellow objects, particularly her son, who we'll get to later. Thompson does a good job of finding warmth in the character, her songs sound good, and the tea looks soothing. She's fine. However, there's always the possibility that her cheery, motherly image is just a facade she uses to lull you into a sense of comfort before pouring hot liquid on you while you sleep. Be careful.
5. Madame de Garderobe
What's the object? A wardrobe
Who voices it? Audra McDonald
Why it's creepy: I suppose there's an element of wish fulfillment at play here: you've probably woken up, rolled out of bed, and wished your closet would magically dress you in clothing for any occasion. It would save time in the morning. (In fact, someone's probably working on a real-life version of this right now.) But the actual portrayal of it in the movie is eerie. Its lips are made of curtain-like material that flops in a very un-mouth like way that will give you nightmares.
What's the object? A feather duster
Who voices it? Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Why it's creepy: I forgot how much the feather duster wants to have sex with the candelabra. Honestly, I'm not sure what to make of Plumette. Are you supposed to be turned on? Are you supposed to feel bad that she wants to be with Lumière but is stuck in that feathery form? Why does this version look so much like a bird?
What's the object? A cup
Who voices it? Nathan Mack
Why it's creepy: Those eyes. In the original cartoon, Chip has wide, expressive windows into his little cup soul that helped overcome the sad truth that this little boy is growing up thinking he's a talking piece of china. In the remake, Chip has that serial killer gaze that makes you think he's been pushing his fellow cups off ledges at night and pretending it was an accident. Look at that smirk -- there's no way you'd drink anything out of a liquid receptacle giving you that face. Also, in the movie, the effects people try to make Chip feel "cool" by having him use his saucer as pseudo-skateboard, like he's the Tony Hawk of the castle. Hard pass.
What's the object? A clock
Who voices it? Ian McKellan
Why it's creepy: Of all the objects in this movie, the rendering of Cogsworth is maybe the least cartoon-like. His face isn't particularly expressive. His eyes are small and beady. His mouth is constantly drooping downward. Those qualities (among others) manage to make him more unsettling. For one thing, he's got thick legs, a low center of gravity, and a belly full of stray parts that makes it look like he just got gutted with a knife. In my notes on the movie, I wrote, "The clock has a huge ass." He looks like one of the robots from the "Flesh Fair" in A.I., and I don't mean that as a compliment.
What's the object? A candelabra
Who voices it? Ewan McGregor
Why it's creepy: Where to begin? Lumière is unique even among these creepy objects: He's the only object who is also wearing clothes, he's horny all the time, and he forces Belle to endure a long song about how good he is at making dinner. Towards the end of the remake's version of "Be Our Guest," which turns the song's whimsical conceit into a lurching special effects sequence, Emma Watson makes a face that says, "Please stop, I'm so scared." Later in the movie, during the townspeople's siege on the castle, Lumière uses his flames to light explosives. He's a madman. He's a terror. He's a villain. Don't let him out of your sight.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.