Every time I watch The Bachelor, or talk about The Bachelor, or look at other people across a crowded train platform and just KNOW they're thinking about The Bachelor, and almost go up to them to discuss it but don't, I get scared.
Terrified, really. Downright dread-stricken that Corinne is, somehow, not real. That "Corinne" is the work of the most skilled actress of her generation, one with such an overwhelming commitment to her craft that she solely practiced in a decent-sized walk-in closet and hadn't even acted in anything public previously, so as not to compromise the role of all of our lifetimes. She's just too perfect -- too aware of being maladjusted, too "unintentionally" vicious to herself, too quick with the random word that doesn't fit the end of the sentence but totally fucking fits, too having of a Raquel. How could it be? It couldn't be. But it has to be. It has to, right? SHOW ME YOU'RE REAL, CORINNE!
But then I stop overthinking it and just start writing down her quotes. Here are 32 of her best so far this season. Also, you cared about Chad, right? Then maybe read Chad's next.
Corinne, on Russian bathhouse-related reactions
"It's amazing to see Nick. I get butterflies, I get all excited, I get a little shvitzy, I'm like, errrmyyyguuudddd."
Corinne, on redefining boldness
"I didn't go into this photo shoot with no clothes. I was daring enough to actually have clothes, then take them off."
Corinne, on the concept of to have and to hold
"Nick held my boobs today. He held my BOOBS. OK? Nobody has ever held my boobs like that. And nobody ever will."
Corinne, on being straightforward
"Can I interrupt you guys? I'm interrupting you."
Corinne, on her favorite '80s sitcom set in a Boston pub
Corinne, on doing things more than once
"I'm very pissed. She RE-interrupted me, which I think is very rude."
Corinne, on parental pride
"Today was just a dream come true. I stepped out of my comfort zone, many times and angles. Dad would be proud, even though I was naked."
Corinne, on... what was it again?
"I don't do well in dancing; I have very bad short-term memory."
Corinne, on the mystery of self
"And I feel like I'm not being myself, but I'm trying really hard to be myself, but because I'm trying so hard to be myself it's making me even more not myself."
Corinne, on what Jessie Spano said right after "I'm so excited"
"I'm so scaaaaaaaaaaared."
Corinne, on what you say after you sleep through a rose ceremony
"I apologize I wasn't at the rose ceremony."
Corinne, on modest plans
"I wanna get a boob job, but like, a tiny one."
Corinne, on preparedness and hired help
"I need to get Raquel ready for that -- Raquel is my nanny. Raquel keeps my life together, she makes sure my bed is ready every morning."
Corinne, on what potty training prepares you for
"I had to do some big-girl stuff. I don't like it."
Corinne, on high-concept restaurants
"I don't want to be on this group date. I want to be in a spa, being fed a nice taco. Preferably... chicken."
Corinne, on how cows are
"Cows are OK."
Corinne, on fear
"The farm today was really scary for me."
Corinne, on r-e-s-p-e-c-t
"I respect you for shoveling the poopy. I do. I really, really do. It takes a lot of courage, and a really blind sense of smell, to shovel that poopy. But I had a really serious hand situation, and I just couldn't shovel that poop."
Corinne, on cash crops
"I'm a corn husk; you gotta pull all the layers back. And in the middle is this luxury, yellow corn. With all these pellets of information. And it's juicy, and buttery. You want to get to that corn."
Corinne, on who took naps
"Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps."
Corinne, on the things she's willing to do to win this thing
"I had a good talk with Nick, but it was more of like an adult convo."
Corinne, on pugilism
"Taylor is like fake and nasty. So tonight I'm going to go punch her in the face."
Corinne, on biz-dev
"Listen, I'm not an idiot. I run a multimillion-dollar company!!"
Corinne, on platforms
"I made Corinne great again."
Corinne, on the capability of individuals to recognize their own, and other people's emotions
"She was like, 'I just had to explain what an emotional intelligence meant.' I'm like, 'that's not what I'm fucking talking about you dumb bitch.'"
Corinne, on what people say before they testify in court
"I'm not going to be fake or lie or anything like that."
Corinne, on how iiiiiit went down that one tiiiime
"IIIIIIIIII smacked the shiiiiiit out of her, and she doesn't even knooooow iiiit. What does that say about your emotional intelligence, biiiiiitch??"
Corinne, on logical fallacies
"She thinks she's like, entitled to like, whatever she thinks she's entitled to."
Corinne, on how she feels, right now
"I'm just pissed. I'm pissed! The bitch is insane. Fuck you for fucking being here and ruining everything for everybody else because you fucking suck."
Corinne, on arts and crafts
"How do you make a voodoo doll... specific to a person?"
Corinne, on where the skank faces are
"You have this skank face on your face."
Corinne, on loudly definitive punctuation
"Dear Diary: Today I feel like Corinne is far from an idiot, and I feel like a pathetic loser for judging her. Period."