It's no exaggeration to say that Game of Thrones has taken over America. But what if the massively popular HBO series was America?
For the past few weeks, we've spent an inordinate amount of time arguing about which Game of Thrones character best represents each state in our great union. We factored in the stereotypes, politics, weather, celebrities, and other things associated with these United States of America to bring you what we swear, on the Old Gods and the New, is the perfect, unassailable lineup. So pay attention, because this list is dark and full of terrors.
Irrationally religious, with a scandalous past.
The Night's King
Few people believe he's real, seems to have a lot of secrets, and will straight up murder you if you're unprepared.
Tan. From elsewhere originally. Would definitely leave in the seventh inning of a Diamondbacks game to beat traffic.
Smarter than she looks, and yet: still a hillbilly dating a fat guy with a scraggly beard.
King Tommen Baratheon
Blond and easily duped, powerful but clumsy with said power, impressed by girls' boobs and wacky religions.
Athletic, secretly wealthy, with a sun-tanned, weathered face. Incessantly trying to sleep with a younger woman.
Rich, bratty, emotionally unnerving. Definitely PG'd at Taft.
That guy Ned Stark executes in the pilot
No one remembers that Delaware is the first state either.
"Mad" King Aerys II Targaryen
Senile, wealthy, paranoid, prone to random outbursts of insanity. Pretty confident that he will eventually turn into a dragon.
Does not do well in cold weather.
Unspoiled and beautiful, until evil outside forces wreak havoc on her. Understandably angry.
An anti-big government Libertarian with his own militia.
A fan of back-room dealings, can't feel testicles for much of the year (on account of the cold weather, OK?!?).
Wholesome, family-oriented, yet prone to terrible lapses in judgment (see: continuing devotion to Bobby Knight).
Brynden "Blackfish" Tully
Unimpressed by city folk, scarily pragmatic, has a nickname that somehow involves fishing.
Just replace "Hodor" with "Rock Chalk."
Fond of horses, elaborate headwear, and skinny blonde women who've seen some shit.
Hedonistic party animal, passionate hunter, often drinks things he shouldn't.
Wildly unpredictable, good on the water, has weirdly blue lips (from the delicious blueberries).
His name sounds the most like "Old Bay."
The Iron Islands are basically a thinly veiled version of Weymouth.
Doesn't like it when her people get dissed. Has a whole other side you wouldn't expect.
Serious and contemplative, has intense and prophetic winter dreams, loves wolves, enjoys getting piggyback rides.
The High Sparrow
Intolerantly religious, but folksy as hell. Er, heck.
Uncomfortably connected to another place, mostly resigned to its fate. Hometown is on a major river.
Big, brutish, monosyllabic, but beautiful in a way. Plus I'm pretty sure Montana means Mountain-ah.
Brienne of Tarth
She should just call her sword "Winter Wheat."
Dragons are Vegas: showy and unpredictable spectacle THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU IN A TREMENDOUS BALL OF FIRE. Or whatever.
Mostly cold, but internally convinced he has a power no one else really sees.
Petyr Baelish, aka Littlefinger
Lurks on the outskirts of and envious of great power, and always gives off the vibe that he's about to do something unseemly.
Much respect for fires. New-agey. Alternates between breathtaking exquisite beauty and some secretly quite ugly parts.
Thinks he's smarter than everyone else, drinks too much, jam-packs a lot of conflicting things into a small space. Has tendency to confront people on the toilet.
Very pretty and charming and at least pretends to be God-fearing. Definitely hiding something.
Could have never come back and no one would have noticed except consipracy theorists. His hands are SO COLD.
Power-player due in large part to central geographical position near major rivers. Sneaky bastard but bizarrely influential. Holds grudges. Oh wow does he hold grudges.
She's crazy like an F5 tornado and those strict alcohol laws that result in weak beer. All things being equal, she'd sooner (get it?) push you out the moon door. (Oklahoma was tough, OK?)
Effortlessly feminist. Not too concerned about hygiene. Unnaturally gifted at a mostly useless skill.
Stubborn, hot-headed, from an old house. Had brotherly love. A Penn State kind of guy thrust into a U. Penn kind of world.
SO SMALL, SO FIERY. Only has 62 men.
Fiercely independent, attempts to break away from the other places. Not happy about the fact that his son ends up living in the North.
Actively seems to enjoy the cold. Honorable in a somewhat tragic way. Famous for having a head separated from his body and placed next to other heads for people to gawk at.
A little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll. Has a show beard. Likely already the name of a band in Nashville anyway.
Aesthetically pleasing debutante, comes from a ton of money. Can be hateful, and you don't want to mess with her, but also pretty great if you're on her side. Has no problem going it alone.
It just works too well -- sorry, Utahns!
The Children of the Forest
Abides by no bullshit, says sassy things. Has pleasing accent even when verbally ripping you apart. Keeps nice gardens. Southern.
On a border but pivotal. Doesn't see a ton of nice weather. Sad a lot. So Microsoft. So grunge.
Cast aside by larger brother, left for dead, keeps coming back. Bad experiences with mountains.
Portly, well educated, enjoys cheese. Comes from family of hunters but hates to hunt. Had to fend off a White Walker with a piece of dragonglass.
Cold as hell, but cunning. Old, but still handsome. Definitely would shoot someone in the face while hunting, then blame it on that person. Always pays its debts.
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John Sellers is the Entertainment Director at Thrillist. An Arya currently living in a Tyrion, he really hates whichever Canadian province the Waif is from.