‌It's no exaggeration to say that Game of Thrones has taken over America. But what if the massively popular HBO series was America?
For the past few weeks, we've spent an inordinate amount of time arguing about which Game of Thrones character best represents each state in our great union. We factored in the stereotypes, politics, weather, celebrities, and other things associated with these United States of America to bring you what we swear, on the Old Gods and the New, is the perfect, unassailable lineup. So pay attention, because this list is dark and full of terrors.
Alabama
Lancel Lannister
Irrationally religious, with a scandalous past.
Alaska
The Night's King
Few people believe he's real, seems to have a lot of secrets, and will straight up murder you if you're unprepared.
Arizona
Jaime Lannister
Tan. From elsewhere originally. Would definitely leave in the seventh inning of a Diamondbacks game to beat traffic.
Arkansas
Gilly
Smarter than she looks, and yet: still a hillbilly dating a fat guy with a scraggly beard.
California
King Tommen Baratheon
Blond and easily duped, powerful but clumsy with said power, impressed by girls' boobs and wacky religions.
Colorado
Jorah Mormont
Athletic, secretly wealthy, with a sun-tanned, weathered face. Incessantly trying to sleep with a younger woman.
Connecticut
Joffrey Baratheon
Rich, bratty, emotionally unnerving. Definitely PG'd at Taft.
Delaware
That guy Ned Stark executes in the pilot
No one remembers that Delaware is the first state either.
Florida
"Mad" King Aerys II Targaryen
Senile, wealthy, paranoid, prone to random outbursts of insanity. Pretty confident that he will eventually turn into a dragon.
Georgia
Janos Slynt
Does not do well in cold weather.
Hawaii
Sansa Stark
Unspoiled and beautiful, until evil outside forces wreak havoc on her. Understandably angry.
Idaho
Mance Rayder
An anti-big government Libertarian with his own militia.
Illinois
Varys
A fan of back-room dealings, can't feel testicles for much of the year (on account of the cold weather, OK?!?).
Indiana
Catelyn Stark
Wholesome, family-oriented, yet prone to terrible lapses in judgment (see: continuing devotion to Bobby Knight).
Iowa
Brynden "Blackfish" Tully
Unimpressed by city folk, scarily pragmatic, has a nickname that somehow involves fishing.
Kansas
Hodor
Just replace "Hodor" with "Rock Chalk."
Kentucky
Khal Drogo
Fond of horses, elaborate headwear, and skinny blonde women who've seen some shit.
Louisiana
Robert Baratheon
Hedonistic party animal, passionate hunter, often drinks things he shouldn't.
Maine
Euron Greyjoy
Wildly unpredictable, good on the water, has weirdly blue lips (from the delicious blueberries).
Maryland
Davos Seaworth
His name sounds the most like "Old Bay."
Massachusetts
Theon Greyjoy
The Iron Islands are basically a thinly veiled version of Weymouth.
Michigan
Arya Stark
Doesn't like it when her people get dissed. Has a whole other side you wouldn't expect.
Minnesota
Bran Stark
Serious and contemplative, has intense and prophetic winter dreams, loves wolves, enjoys getting piggyback rides.
Mississippi
The High Sparrow
Intolerantly religious, but folksy as hell. Er, heck.
Missouri
Edmure Tully
Uncomfortably connected to another place, mostly resigned to its fate. Hometown is on a major river.
Montana
The Mountain
Big, brutish, monosyllabic, but beautiful in a way. Plus I'm pretty sure Montana means Mountain-ah.
Nebraska
Brienne of Tarth
She should just call her sword "Winter Wheat."
Nevada
Daenerys Targaryen
Dragons are Vegas: showy and unpredictable spectacle THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU IN A TREMENDOUS BALL OF FIRE. Or whatever.
New Hampshire
Stannis Baratheon
Mostly cold, but internally convinced he has a power no one else really sees.
New Jersey
Petyr Baelish, aka Littlefinger
Lurks on the outskirts of and envious of great power, and always gives off the vibe that he's about to do something unseemly.
New Mexico
Melisandre
Much respect for fires. New-agey. Alternates between breathtaking exquisite beauty and some secretly quite ugly parts.
New York
Tyrion Lannister
Thinks he's smarter than everyone else, drinks too much, jam-packs a lot of conflicting things into a small space. Has tendency to confront people on the toilet.
North Carolina
Margaery Tyrell
Very pretty and charming and at least pretends to be God-fearing. Definitely hiding something.
North Dakota
Benjen Stark
Could have never come back and no one would have noticed except consipracy theorists. His hands are SO COLD.
Ohio
Walder Frey
Power-player due in large part to central geographical position near major rivers. Sneaky bastard but bizarrely influential. Holds grudges. Oh wow does he hold grudges.
Oklahoma
Lysa Arryn
She's crazy like an F5 tornado and those strict alcohol laws that result in weak beer. All things being equal, she'd sooner (get it?) push you out the moon door. (Oklahoma was tough, OK?)
Oregon
Ygritte
Effortlessly feminist. Not too concerned about hygiene. Unnaturally gifted at a mostly useless skill.
Pennsylvania
Robb Stark
Stubborn, hot-headed, from an old house. Had brotherly love. A Penn State kind of guy thrust into a U. Penn kind of world.
Rhode Island
Lyanna Mormont
SO SMALL, SO FIERY. Only has 62 men.
South Carolina
Balon Greyjoy
Fiercely independent, attempts to break away from the other places. Not happy about the fact that his son ends up living in the North.
South Dakota
Ned Stark
Actively seems to enjoy the cold. Honorable in a somewhat tragic way. Famous for having a head separated from his body and placed next to other heads for people to gawk at.
Tennessee
Tormund Giantsbane
A little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll. Has a show beard. Likely already the name of a band in Nashville anyway.
Texas
Cersei Lannister
Aesthetically pleasing debutante, comes from a ton of money. Can be hateful, and you don't want to mess with her, but also pretty great if you're on her side. Has no problem going it alone.
Utah
Craster
It just works too well -- sorry, Utahns!
Vermont
The Children of the Forest
Damn hippies.
Virginia
Olenna Tyrell
Abides by no bullshit, says sassy things. Has pleasing accent even when verbally ripping you apart. Keeps nice gardens. Southern.
Washington
Jon Snow
On a border but pivotal. Doesn't see a ton of nice weather. Sad a lot. So Microsoft. So grunge.
West Virginia
The Hound
Cast aside by larger brother, left for dead, keeps coming back. Bad experiences with mountains.
Wisconsin
Samwell Tarly
Portly, well educated, enjoys cheese. Comes from family of hunters but hates to hunt. Had to fend off a White Walker with a piece of dragonglass.
Wyoming
Tywin Lannister
Cold as hell, but cunning. Old, but still handsome. Definitely would shoot someone in the face while hunting, then blame it on that person. Always pays its debts.
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John Sellers is the Entertainment Director at Thrillist. An Arya currently living in a Tyrion, he really hates whichever Canadian province the Waif is from.