Click image to enlarge | Daniel Fishel/Thrillist
Click image to enlarge | Daniel Fishel/Thrillist
‌It's no exaggeration to say that Game of Thrones has taken over America. But what if the massively popular HBO series was America?
For the past few weeks, we've spent an inordinate amount of time arguing about which Game of Thrones character best represents each state in our great union. We factored in the stereotypes, politics, weather, celebrities, and other things associated with these United States of America to bring you what we swear, on the Old Gods and the New, is the perfect, unassailable lineup. So pay attention, because this list is dark and full of terrors.
Alabama
Lancel LannisterIrrationally religious, with a scandalous past.
Alaska
The Night's KingFew people believe he's real, seems to have a lot of secrets, and will straight up murder you if you're unprepared.
Arizona
Jaime LannisterTan. From elsewhere originally. Would definitely leave in the seventh inning of a Diamondbacks game to beat traffic.
Arkansas
GillySmarter than she looks, and yet: still a hillbilly dating a fat guy with a scraggly beard.
California
King Tommen BaratheonBlond and easily duped, powerful but clumsy with said power, impressed by girls' boobs and wacky religions.
Colorado
Jorah MormontAthletic, secretly wealthy, with a sun-tanned, weathered face. Incessantly trying to sleep with a younger woman.
Connecticut
Joffrey BaratheonRich, bratty, emotionally unnerving. Definitely PG'd at Taft.
Delaware
That guy Ned Stark executes in the pilotNo one remembers that Delaware is the first state either.
Florida
"Mad" King Aerys II TargaryenSenile, wealthy, paranoid, prone to random outbursts of insanity. Pretty confident that he will eventually turn into a dragon.
Georgia
Janos SlyntDoes not do well in cold weather.
Hawaii
Sansa StarkUnspoiled and beautiful, until evil outside forces wreak havoc on her. Understandably angry.
Idaho
Mance RayderAn anti-big government Libertarian with his own militia.
Illinois
VarysA fan of back-room dealings, can't feel testicles for much of the year (on account of the cold weather, OK?!?).
Indiana
Catelyn StarkWholesome, family-oriented, yet prone to terrible lapses in judgment (see: continuing devotion to Bobby Knight).
Iowa
Brynden "Blackfish" TullyUnimpressed by city folk, scarily pragmatic, has a nickname that somehow involves fishing.
Kansas
HodorJust replace "Hodor" with "Rock Chalk."
Kentucky
Khal DrogoFond of horses, elaborate headwear, and skinny blonde women who've seen some shit.
Louisiana
Robert BaratheonHedonistic party animal, passionate hunter, often drinks things he shouldn't.
Maine
Euron GreyjoyWildly unpredictable, good on the water, has weirdly blue lips (from the delicious blueberries).
Maryland
Davos SeaworthHis name sounds the most like "Old Bay."
Massachusetts
Theon GreyjoyThe Iron Islands are basically a thinly veiled version of Weymouth.
Michigan
Arya StarkDoesn't like it when her people get dissed. Has a whole other side you wouldn't expect.
Minnesota
Bran StarkSerious and contemplative, has intense and prophetic winter dreams, loves wolves, enjoys getting piggyback rides.
Mississippi
The High SparrowIntolerantly religious, but folksy as hell. Er, heck.
Missouri
Edmure TullyUncomfortably connected to another place, mostly resigned to its fate. Hometown is on a major river.
Montana
The MountainBig, brutish, monosyllabic, but beautiful in a way. Plus I'm pretty sure Montana means Mountain-ah.
Nebraska
Brienne of TarthShe should just call her sword "Winter Wheat."
Nevada
Daenerys TargaryenDragons are Vegas: showy and unpredictable spectacle THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU IN A TREMENDOUS BALL OF FIRE. Or whatever.
New Hampshire
Stannis BaratheonMostly cold, but internally convinced he has a power no one else really sees.
New Jersey
Petyr Baelish, aka LittlefingerLurks on the outskirts of and envious of great power, and always gives off the vibe that he's about to do something unseemly.
New Mexico
MelisandreMuch respect for fires. New-agey. Alternates between breathtaking exquisite beauty and some secretly quite ugly parts.
New York
Tyrion LannisterThinks he's smarter than everyone else, drinks too much, jam-packs a lot of conflicting things into a small space. Has tendency to confront people on the toilet.
North Carolina
Margaery TyrellVery pretty and charming and at least pretends to be God-fearing. Definitely hiding something.
North Dakota
Benjen StarkCould have never come back and no one would have noticed except consipracy theorists. His hands are SO COLD.
Ohio
Walder FreyPower-player due in large part to central geographical position near major rivers. Sneaky bastard but bizarrely influential. Holds grudges. Oh wow does he hold grudges.
Oklahoma
Lysa ArrynShe's crazy like an F5 tornado and those strict alcohol laws that result in weak beer. All things being equal, she'd sooner (get it?) push you out the moon door. (Oklahoma was tough, OK?)
Oregon
YgritteEffortlessly feminist. Not too concerned about hygiene. Unnaturally gifted at a mostly useless skill.
Pennsylvania
Robb StarkStubborn, hot-headed, from an old house. Had brotherly love. A Penn State kind of guy thrust into a U. Penn kind of world.
Rhode Island
Lyanna MormontSO SMALL, SO FIERY. Only has 62 men.
South Carolina
Balon GreyjoyFiercely independent, attempts to break away from the other places. Not happy about the fact that his son ends up living in the North.
South Dakota
Ned StarkActively seems to enjoy the cold. Honorable in a somewhat tragic way. Famous for having a head separated from his body and placed next to other heads for people to gawk at.
Tennessee
Tormund GiantsbaneA little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll. Has a show beard. Likely already the name of a band in Nashville anyway.
Texas
Cersei LannisterAesthetically pleasing debutante, comes from a ton of money. Can be hateful, and you don't want to mess with her, but also pretty great if you're on her side. Has no problem going it alone.
Utah
CrasterIt just works too well -- sorry, Utahns!
Vermont
The Children of the ForestDamn hippies.
Virginia
Olenna TyrellAbides by no bullshit, says sassy things. Has pleasing accent even when verbally ripping you apart. Keeps nice gardens. Southern.
Washington
Jon SnowOn a border but pivotal. Doesn't see a ton of nice weather. Sad a lot. So Microsoft. So grunge.
West Virginia
The HoundCast aside by larger brother, left for dead, keeps coming back. Bad experiences with mountains.
Wisconsin
Samwell TarlyPortly, well educated, enjoys cheese. Comes from family of hunters but hates to hunt. Had to fend off a White Walker with a piece of dragonglass.
Wyoming
Tywin LannisterCold as hell, but cunning. Old, but still handsome. Definitely would shoot someone in the face while hunting, then blame it on that person. Always pays its debts.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.
Kevin Alexander is Thrillist's national writer-at-large, was born in Cersei, raised in Theon, and now lives in Tommen. That came out weird. Please don't follow him @KAlexander03, it just makes him more cocky.
John Sellers is the Entertainment Director at Thrillist. An Arya currently living in a Tyrion, he really hates whichever Canadian province the Waif is from.
John Sellers is the Entertainment Director at Thrillist. An Arya currently living in a Tyrion, he really hates whichever Canadian province the Waif is from.
Our Newsletter