The Perfect Halloween Costume for Every State
But what you've really been waiting for, and why you still haven't bothered to decide on what you're going as for that party you don't even want to go to this Friday because that's the day Stranger Things 2 hits Netflix, is this list of the perfect Halloween costumes for each state in America.
This may just be the most important thing you read in the next 10 minutes. Especially if you're in Delaware.
The world's laziest football player
At every Halloween party, there's always one dude who takes the football jersey that's been sitting at the bottom of his hamper, goes as "a football player," and calls it a night. In 'bama -- where worshipping at the altar of War Eagles and Crimson Tides pretty much usurps all other worldly activities -- this is the move. Also it's so hot down there, minimal effort is expected.
Cold, adopted, rugged, and probably down to date an aunt or two (there's not that many people up there, OK?). Plus, it's the only state where using an IKEA rug as a jacket would A) Be considered fashionable, and B) Not result in dying of heat stroke. You know nothing, Alaska. Actually, you probably know a lot about ice fishing.
His skin is leathery and scorched. He rocks a sun hat. He keeps a sensibly colored sweater on (for nighttime temperature fluctuations), and honestly, a knife-glove is really the only viable option to trim loose cacti. It just makes sense.
Because it takes most people at least five minutes to find Arkansas on a map. Where is it, again? Oh, OK. Right there. I think. That might be Alabama? Whatever.
Blonde. Heavy makeup. Scantily clad. Bad relationships. Willing to punch someone. Is in therapy. Probably overrated. And still, people really like her… for some reason. Harley Quinn is more Cali than Ice Cube and the cast of Baywatch eating avocado toast on the PCH while listening to old Vin Scully tapes.
On October 31, reeking like weed and dressing like a '60s hitchhiker who was left out in the rain for two weeks suddenly becomes "a costume." Nice.
Must appear to be wholesomely cliche, as to hand out candy to the kiddies in the 'burbs at 7pm -- but trashy enough to look good on the dance floor at a kegger in a New Haven basement five hours later (it's all about layering, attitude, and frilly stuff).
Plain white ghost
Just so damn BOOOOOOOring.
Wrinkly, retired, and swampy, Yoda is like the lovable Florida grandparent always willing to dole out some sage advice. And will even show up as a ghost when they die… to keep telling you you're wrong and that things were way different and better back in the day.
Putting all that trademark Southern Hospitality™ and unwillingness to do anything on Sundays to good use.
Tropical. Kitschy. Relatively new. Possibly radioactive and kind of annoying when you really think about it -- if any state were to live in a pineapple under the sea and be best friends with a dumbass starfish, it would be Hawaii.
Don't be scared of who you are, Idaho.
Even though the state in general is probably more of a Cameron (read: inferiority complex), this is the one day you can expertly pretend to be the guy who expertly pretended to be the sausage king of Chicago. Danke Schoen.
Can you believe that Indiana's most beloved citizen isn't real? If you've ever actually been to Indiana, you probably can.
Loose meat sandwich
Iowa’s only culinary contribution to the world (which is actually just a sloppy joe without ketchup, if we are being real) makes an ideal costume, and late night, post-bar snack. Both requisite parts of the Halloween experience. And being in Iowa.
The Wicked Witch of the West
So, the Wicked Witch -- NOT Dorothy -- was the real hero in The Wizard of Oz, and the costume Kansas residents deserve. Think about it: Wouldn't you be a little miffed if some hotshot, gingham-wearing, poppy-sniffin' teenager crushed your sister with a house, stole her shoes, then ran off with a gang of monsters? Same.
Unemployed Rick Pitino
Keep the trademark slicked-back hair, but swap the suit for some sweatpants, a bucket of cold KFC, and a persistent look of wistful melancholy.
Since Louisiana has encouraged residents to hunt nutria (due to wild overpopulation), not only are you being topical, but you are promoting civil duties, too. They're also delicious, apparently.
While the rest of the United States is content to dress up like Pennywise, true Mainers grab their best flannel and their most convincing forehead extensions to become hometown hero, noted author, and owner of a large forehead, Stephen King -- ground zero of all the spooky shit.
With apologies to the Natty Boh dude, Cal Ripken Jr., and Ray Lewis (ha, just kidding), no finer character has ever risen from the Old Line State than one Omar Little, The Wire's Robin Hood of the hood. Honoring his visage on Halloween is an excellent way to embrace Charm City culture… while actually wearing a costume that looks cool.
Watch an overly aggressive face-painted Masshole Pats/Sox/Celts fan interact with their environment and try to refute. "That's wicked offense bro." Yeah.
Senator Kid Rock
You guys should embrace this while it's still just a joke.
Frosty the Snowman
Weirdly happy and polite…. despite being so very, very cold. You have to appreciate that level of naive optimism. Midwestern nice, anyone?
If you have a buddy, have them dress up as Satan, and make a deal!
It is the "Show-Me State," after all.
Large. Quiet. Naturally docile... but potentially dangerous if not handled with care. Lots of green coloring and heavy machinery, to boot. Montana is Frankenstein('s monster). Embrace it!
Flashy and vibrant showman. Unpredictable to a fault. Murky history. Willing to show you a magic trick. Unreliable memory. Used to be way seedier. It's the Joker, baby.
Like voting machines, New Hampshire is really only important/necessary during elections.
Half the state's population pretends like they are "connected" the other 364 days days of the year, anyway -- plus, now you have an excuse for spilling red sauce all over your shirt and shoes. It's called method acting, like De Niro.
Only because there will inevitably be thousands of faux Walter Whites wandering around the desert in their tighty-whities on Halloween. It's certainly not as glamorous, but just as every band needs a bassist (ew), every Walter needs a Jesse. Besides, if you've ever been to ABQ, you know Pinkman is much more "New Mexico" -- bitch, magnets, etc.
Have you ever seen a full-grown adult rocking an elaborate Disney Princess outfit and thought: "Jeez, how could they possibly have the overinflated ego and awkwardly grandiose sense of self-worth needed to wear that in public? Have they no shame?!" Welcome to New York. It's been waiting for you. For better, or worse.
Sad Jordan meme
St. Michael came back to save Charlotte's NBA team. He didn't. A state weeps along with their hometown megastar, on this, and every day.
Not sure if anyone has ever loved North Dakota as much as Teddy Roosevelt loved North Dakota, so now's your chance to pay homage. Also, you'll want to get in on this before Leo and Martin scoop you.
They say Ohio is always lagging a few years behind most trends. Yeah, true.
Because this way, you can give a costume-centric excuse to bail on any party, just to go to a better one.
It's the facial hair, flannel, and gargantuan sense of entitlement, you see. Plus, owning a blue ox has a ton of farm-to-table-cache. Imagine: a cerulean filet (also a great PDX band name).
Since one half of the state considers themselves to be bougie cityfolk, and the other half country-ass bumpkins (we call that the Wawa/Sheetz line), split the difference… just like Miley did.
Small, fierce, rich, always down to fight, and generally intoxicated. That's Rhode Island, alright.
Big Red Dot
All South Carolina residents know, a red dot means "there's alcohol inside." Which, on Halloween, is probably true of most (adult) South Carolina residents, too.
The rest of Abe Lincoln's face
They never finished Honest Abe's profile on Mt. Rushmore. This Halloween, South Dakota residents take matters into their own hands.
A Nashville bachelorette
All you need is a tiara, a sash that says "bachelorette," a novelty plastic cup full of vodka equipped with a penis straw, and a lingering sense of resentment towards Gretchen that will come to a boil later in the evening.
Gretchen knows what she did.
You could opt for a well-tailored suit and an oddly strong passion for Lincolns, or some nude spandex and a set of bongos. It's a choose your own McVenture.
So morally steadfast it's kind of boring/annoying. Doesn't need to drink to have a good time. Often seems to be from another planet. Keeps home base encased in a sheet of ice. Superman is Utah. Utah is Superman.
OK, so this just unabashedly gives in to the stereotypes. But then again, so do most people from Vermont.
A Colonial Williamsburg reenactor
Because Virginia is where history comes alive, much to the casual intrigue of school children, the elderly, and people who got lost on the way to Busch Gardens alike. Extra points if you churn your own butter.
Finally, a viable use for every Washingtonian's translucent skin, dark clothing, and embarrassingly deep knowledge of the Twilight series.
Brett Favre's retirement beard
It will keep all Wisconsinites warm in the cold October night, make them laugh, and remind them that they used to have a QB who never missed a game. Even if he missed some throws.
Some say Wyoming exists only in legend. That it only lives in dreams -- it's a myth, something no human being has ever seen before. But I believe. I'll always believe that Wyoming is out there... somewhere...
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