10 things you need to do AGAIN before you're too old
Bucket lists are fine for keeping track of what you haven’t done yet, but there’s more to life than jumping out of an airplane, or riding an elephant, or jumping out of an airplane onto an elephant. Specifically, there’s all the stuff you’ve already done, can’t do forever, and damn well ought to do at least one more time before it’s too late. There’s no name for this list (suggestions welcome), and obviously everyone’s will be different, but here are some suggestions to get you going.
1. Make a major life decision, then hastily back out of it
At some point you’re going to have to start carefully plotting your major life decisions, but not yet! While you still can, try to make one more ill-advised choice while ignoring its far-reaching ramifications. Don’t think of it as irresponsibility; think of it as setting yourself up for the true test of maturity -- the ability to admit that you totally screwed up. Some suggestions:
- Move to new city. Decide it’s way too hot/cold/boring. Move back.
- Buy dog. Give dog to parents.
- Get engaged. Disengage.
2. Wear a ridiculous costume through an entire music festival
You can still go to festivals when you’re older, as long as you don’t mind hearing the occasional “check out that oldster” come out of the mouth of someone you'd thought you were maybe still young enough to sleep with. But you definitely can’t go to festivals dressed as a taco when you’re older. At least one more time before it gets weird, you need to experience the sweet joy of having complete strangers greet you with a cheery “What’s up, Taco Man!".
3. Keep that annual group party rolling
If you’ve got a bunch of friends who host a joint Halloween party, holiday party, birthday party, or half birthday party because you were all born near Christmas, for god’s sake host it again, and don’t skip one assuming you’ll all just pick back up where you started next year. Don’t just do it for you, do it for all the people who’ve come to depend on it and would never take up the mantle if you guys opted out, because they’re lazy, or they’d feel like it’s too late in the game to start a new thing, or they’d just be too intimidated knowing that their own big bash would pale in comparison to Ricktoberfest numbers I-VII.
4. Spend three nights in Vegas
Any octogenarian can handle two nights in Vegas -- for proof, go to Vegas, make friends with all the octogenarians you can, and see how many of them end the night saying, "See you tomorrow night, Billy!" even though your name is Steve. A three-night stay, on the other hand, is something you just can’t endure after a certain age, a grueling gauntlet of fun that will leave you bruised, battered, and in possession of a shady limo driver’s personal cell number.
5. Hook up at a wedding
Have you seen the famous line graph called "The Diminishing Number of Single People at Your Friends’ Weddings”? It is terrifying. Hook up with that bridesmaid or groomsman now, because by the next round of nuptials one of you will be married and the other one will be seriously considering getting your needs catered to you by a caterer. (Besides, if you don't give the bride and groom a scandalous wedding story they won't have anything to talk to each other about, like, ever.)
6. Eat a large pizza by yourself
This used to be a totally normal part of your existence, but you’re starting to get the faint notion that maybe one day the idea of consuming eight Meat Lovers slices in a sitting will be more appalling than appealing -- even if you don’t acquire a spouse to disgust with a solo Sunday whole-pie takedown. Go full-circle again soon, because you never know when “one day” could strike.
7. Host Friendsgiving
Friendsgiving -- that joyous holiday where you and your friends decide you're going home in a month anyway so why not just have Thanksgiving with each other -- is a magical moment on the road to Stage III Adulthood. It's such a good time, the cast of Friends celebrated it and their parents all lived five minutes away in Long Island. But like the other things you're thankful for, you shouldn't take Friendsgiving for granted; when you actually reach Stage III Adulthood you'll have kids of your own and you'll want them to spend Thanksgiving with their grandparents. Friendsgiving, over.
8. Organize a trip to your standby party lake
Party lakes are a thing. But they're not a thing forever! The second you start developing saggendebübens (German for saggy man-boobs), you probably shouldn't be caught within 50 miles of Havasu.
9. Take a freaking road trip
The more air miles you accumulate, the fewer highway miles you’ve got left in you. Rally your crew and get one more long road trip in before the romance of the open highway fades and you become a permanent member of the airport lounge community. Drive to New Orleans. Drive to Montreal. Drive to Burning Man. Drive past Burning Man on your way to someplace more your style, like Portland, or Sacramento. Just drive somewhere far from where you live, and remember not to overlook those gas station cappuccino machines, because they are surprisingly delicious.
10. Join some kind of sports league
Between your schedule and your knees, pretty soon you're going to have nothing left but golf, and golf is not a sport.
Note: if none of these do it for you, may we suggest "Get arrested while it still makes for a hilarious story"? Don't say we never gave you anything!