Who Will Be the Next Chad? We Rank the Remaining 'Bachelorette' Dudes.
Last week, The Bachelorette teased us with previews of Chad returning to detach guys' noses from their faces, and possibly re-attach them to other guys' faces. And the show delivered -- albeit to an unfulfilling extent. Chad is gone, for real this time, and the world of Bachelorette has become a dark place, indeed. We are, officially, Chadless.
Or are we? From the perspective of, "is that guy named Chad still on the show?" -- yes we are! But the Third Law of the Natural Bachelorette State of Being necessitates a villain, and with the most villainous one of them all tossed off like a coffee mug in the woods, another must arise. Someone will become Chad.
But who?? Let's break down the possible Chads, one by one, and leave no Wells unturned.
DEFINITELY NOT CHAD
No need to engage in deep analysis here -- James Taylor is not Chad. Unless he's playing the longest, goofiest, swing-danciest con in the history of long cons, in which case: still not Chad, since Chad's cons are short and to the point and involve suspect residential real estate in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
I was just making turns of phrase above; of course it's not Wells. Although he did say "hell yeah!" when JoJo asked him if he'd accept this rose, something Chad could've very easily said in that situation but just never did. And then he organized an ironic protein-powder-as-ashes memorial ceremony after Chad got cut, and punted the jug of powder off the edge of the deck -- and we all know Chad litters for sport, and loves kicking inanimate plastic objects. But aside from those two slips, Wells is still a little tiny guy who might not even eat food. Definitely not Chad.
Yes, his name is Chase, which is about as close to "Chad" as you can get without being named "Chab." However, Chase is far too dumb and boring to be Chad. He only speaks in clichés, and not even the good ones -- Chad speaks only in words that man has never strung together in that specific order previously. Chad? No. Not Chad.
PROBABLY NOT CHAD
Derek is a tough read, to be sure, but I'm fairly certain he is not Chad. He's definitely playing a strategic game of some kind but isn't terribly good at it so far. Also, he's Jim from The Office, whom IMDb claims is also not Chad.
The biggest Chad-alikes about Robby are his beard (although it's definitely manicured to not drop one millimeter below the neckline, something Chad would never do) and his bulk: he has the second biggest chest on the show at this point. And while I will not absolve Robby of his potential to turn out to be a total charlatan playboy scumbag who likes to just do a little breaststroke and then quickly hop out of the pool, he also told JoJo that he loved her earlier in the season than maybe anyone ever on this show, which would make him, in many ways, the Anti-Chad.
I still can't figure this Luke guy out. Can he really be the only dude ever with perfect side-abs to also be a heartfelt nice guy? See, I can't believe that. Can he really keep saying all the right sweet things that mean absolutely nothing but are delivered with the appropriate amount of drawl to drive swooning reactions from JoJo? I can't buy that either. Like I said after the first episode, Luke will be a top-five guy on this show, and now that we've seen what the competition's got, he should wind up in the top three. But as the guys fall away and there's less to hide behind, I have to believe he's going to slip into his true self, even though I don't know what that true self is just yet -- likely a guy who's boned 1200 girls, and knows he's just a Fantasy Bang Suite Card away from one more.
Aaron Rodgers' Brother (Jordan)
This was not a great episode for Aaron Rodgers' Brother, especially in terms of proving he's not Chad. While he always manages to pull the wool far enough over JoJo's eyes in the end, things started to unravel quite a bit for him (not that wool just yet, though). When JoJo reveals that she knows his ex, and that said ex had horrible things to say about their relationship, he freezes up and doesn't know what to say, other than that he was "not physically cheating" on her, a confusion tactic which absolutely means that he was cheating on her, physically. Then he immediately transitions to recounting sage words from his pastor about love -- more subterfuge and misdirection, now backed by god.
There's more, mostly lies. When asked what he's thinking about after she just accused him of being a shithead, he says, "I'm really not thinking anything," which obviously can't be true -- even saying that required thinking it! While on their "Yacht Date," he claims that he's never been on a yacht, which can't possibly be true, since his brother has earned $47,450,000 already, is currently signed to a $110,000,000 contract, and has other friends who also make similar money and surely enjoy yachts.
The final evidence: he makes out with JoJo -- despite already having a rose! Chad-level sin! -- around the other side of the wall from all the other guys, which was obviously so he could (1) feel like a reeeeeaaaallll bad boy, and (2) so they could hear the unmistakable noises of NFL-level face-suction. Also, he thinks they have mariachi bands in Uruguay.
JoJo's Ex-Boyfriend Chad
I mean, his name is Chad, so he's Chad.
He actually is already Chad, although he doesn't seem to know it yet. Let's examine the evidence: former Marine, just like Chad. Intimidation? He sits on the couch drinking a beer (which, granted, is not very Chad) and stares Derek down while threatening him because he got a "pity rose." Name-calling? He calls Derek both an "insecure little bitch" and a "sensitive little bitch." Even though Chad is gone, he keeps bringing all things back to Chad -- which is a very Chad thing to do!! He even started growing his beard in this episode, for enhanced Chadness.
Alex is also very calculating -- it's become clear that Alex used Chad quite effectively as a cover-up for his own evil, funneling all the potential dislike and distrust of the group directly onto Chad and away from himself. These kinds of tactical smokescreens are the cornerstones of Chads. Alex was the only one who kept tempting Chad to violence, which again now appears to be a tactical ploy, but also means he's not above engaging in a good old fashioned manhandling every once in a while. It's possible that he would be below it, because he's incredibly short. But definitely not above it.
Alex concerns himself not with JoJo, and only with the other men and his position in relation to them; quite Chad indeed. And while he's in the Three Tall Guys and an Alex cool-kids clique now, probably because he "got rid of Chad" by talking shit to JoJo, that status will surely become threatened as he plots to remove each guy one by one through force, mental abuse, and flamingo-kicks. He's no more than two episodes away from being branded as the detestable outcast who's manipulating the game, and is not there for the right JoJo-heart-winning reasons. Alex is now Chad.
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