Todd Glass: You know, no one likes to take compliments, but I was at your special and I loved it.
Henry Phillips: Aw, thanks man -- right back at ya. I mean, actually, I wasn't at your special...
Glass: Don't try to compliment me. I'm not going to take a compliment. I'm here to talk about you. I have a new very aggressive interview style. I give compliments--
Phillips: Aggressive compliments.
Glass: Aggressive compliments. You shot this in Hawaii, am I right?
Phillips: No, it was Hollywood.
Glass: Oh, you shot in Hollywood. It looked great. Where'd you shoot? Didn't you shoot that at the Bellevue down in Hermosa?
Phillips: No, no. It was the Lyric Theatre on La Brea.
Phillips: You were there.
Glass: I know. I'm new to the area. And... that was great. And Jimmy Kimmel came up and did a song with you?
Glass: Who came up and did the song with you?
Phillips: Mark Cohen did.
Glass: Oh, Mark Cohen. That's right. That's right.
Phillips: Mark Cohen's awesome.
Glass: I want to get right to these questions. You know, no matter how many times you hear these questions -- "Would you rather do this or this? -- at first you think, Ugh. But then they suck you in.
Glass: Excuse my language. I hope that sounds okay in print. What do they do there if we have a sound effect? Can they write "boing sound effect"? [Editor's note: yes.] All of this is just gonna be in text seriously, but I like that one because they can write "sound effect of boing." So [we're] free to do the "sound effect of boing," and I hope they leave this part in, too -- along with a "dun dun dun" dramatic sting. [Editor's note: No problem! We can also link out to a boing sound effect and a bum bum bum dramatic sting (with bonus doge).] And for the record, in case they use this part, that's John Brand Wagner doing all the drops in the studio here.
Phillips: What's up, John?
Glass: Give him a shout-out. Somehow he made it into this. The people reading right now I'm sure are impressed, because they're like, "Oh, they're talking about actually what's going on in the studio."
Phillips: Yeah, yeah.
Glass: Be honest: You said in your rider you wanted 60 beers backstage. Do you drink 60 beers?
Phillips: I say that in case it gets to 60. It hardly ever does. I've had times when I don't even get half of that. [Pause] What, you just want me to read from the beginning?
Glass: Yeah, give me one.
Phillips: Would you rather have Cheeto dust on your fingers for one calendar year or have to walk around with wet socks all the time?
Glass: This got sent in from Mike Sousa from Blue Bell, Pennsylvania. Now the thing about these, they're all hypothetical. Just so you know.
Phillips: So both of them, presumably, are bad things.
Glass: OK. Would you rather have Cheeto cheese on your fingers--
Phillips: Which I've had, yeah.
Glass: --or walk around with wet socks? See, I already know the answer.
Phillips: I've done both. So, is this for the rest of your life?
Glass: No, no. The wet socks is just on vacation and the Cheeto dust is just for one year.
Phillips: For one year, OK. So you're either ruining your day to day life or you're... I don't want to do 10 minutes on each one of these, because I know we have a time crunch.
Glass: Can I tell you, I don't care. I got nothing but time, I gotta be honest with you. I quit my job 'cause I knew how much fun this would be.
Phillips: OK. I'm gonna go ahead and say... See, now this is kind of a trick question, because think about this, if you have Cheeto dust on your hands, it's not just your hands. It's everything in your life. It's--
Glass: Dramatic sting.
Phillips: --on your steering wheel. Your car. Everything you touch. Your body, your private parts, everything has Cheeto stuff on it.
Glass: Is it true you get 10% of Howard Stern's book, Private Parts?
Phillips: I do.
Glass: And you've mentioned it.
Phillips: Yeah, and it's a weird story. I don't want to get into it right now.
Glass: OK, so Cheetos -- you're right. I'm gonna tell you, you changed my opinion.
Glass: Honestly, I could say "final answer." It doesn't matter if the other one's good.
Phillips: Wet socks?
Glass: They're neither good. You gotta make a choice, and although you could get used to them, I bet one minute after being in those squishy socks, you'd go, "Yeah, I'd rather have fucking Cheeto dust everywhere, and have nice dry feet."
Phillips: I know.
Glass: Cheetos on my fingers, final answer.
Phillips: OK, yeah, that would be my final answer.
Phillips: Wait, wait -- does that mean I do have the Cheetos or I don't?
Glass: You have Cheeto dust on your fingers.
Phillips: No, I don't want the Cheeto dust. I'm still going with wet socks, for sure.
Phillips: Yeah, yeah, because my earlier point, I think everything in your life... You know, my girlfriend would have Cheeto dust on her now, because of my hands.
Glass: Can I remind you?
Phillips: I don't have a girlfriend?
Glass: Boing sound effect! I know I don't need to say that for them to put it in there. I'm not a moron. Although doctors would argue...
Phillips: That's right.
Glass: I think you're not really thinking about what it's gonna be like to have squishy socks. You're just thinking a wet sock. You don't like it, but you don't like it after a second.
Phillips: You're right, you're right.
Glass: Well, there's no right or wrong.
Phillips: But there could be, like, medical repercussions.
Glass: From what?
Phillips: From having wet socks.
Glass: Are you kidding me? Of course. I didn't even think about that.
Phillips: You could get soggy feet.
Glass: That was my first country hit.
Phillips: That's a thing.
Glass: "Soggy Feet," do you know it? Want me to sing a little?
Phillips: Yeah, let's hear a little bit of it. Not too much of it. No, I'm just kidding.
Glass: [Sings] Well, I got some soggy feet on this Monday, Barbara. I can't do any more for legal reasons. All right, let me hear another one.
Phillips: Wait, wait -- I wanted to counter yours with my song, which wasn't necessarily a country song, but it was a folk song that I wrote--
Glass: Oh, yes.
Phillips: --back in the '70s. It was called "Cheeto Dust on My Fingertips." [Sings] Cheeto dust on my fingertips in the mornings.
Glass: Oh, that sounds nice.
Phillips: For a year.
Glass: Squishy socks
Phillips: Oh, it was a duet
Glass: Squishy feet, canker sores and countless trips to the podiatrist
Phillips: I got my Cheeto dust in your squishy socks.
Glass: You know, I think that could be a hit.
Phillips: I'll bet it could, and I mean it's not, and it's not saying that it's a good song. It's saying that there's so much bad stuff that this could be one of those.
Glass: Thank you. Oh, we hold ourselves in highest regard. You know what, all those other shitty songs? Ours is just as shitty.
Phillips: That would be a great way to pitch anything. It's like, you know how you guys do a bunch of shitty stuff? Well, we wanna be the shitty guys too.
Glass: Why can't we get in on this? I want in on this.
Phillips: We heard you were doing shitty stuff.
Glass: Eric Ohlsen, what is the next one?
Eric Ohlsen: Would you rather be perpetually hungover or have a constant, incurable hiccups?
Glass: Constant, incurable hiccups.
Glass: There's no good [choice].
Ohlsen: I think there's one better than the other. That one speaks to me, though. That's a tough one, because I've had both.
Glass: I hope you're not thinking you're gonna say, "I would rather be hungover."
Ohlsen: No, I rather would be hung over.
Ohlsen: Yeah, the hiccups suck. Hangovers you can get through. It sucks, but if you got a Powerade and Roseanne reruns, you're OK.
Glass: But according to this you don't get through it.
Phillips: True, and if you don't move, the hangover, you don't really feel it.
Glass: You have to ask a lot of questions. You really do have to ask a lot of questions. What stage of a hangover? Of course, because you're all picturing, obviously if you're picking hangover, you're picking when you start feeling all right a little bit. Convenient. That's not the way it is.
Glass: The part where you're like, Oh my god, this fucking sucks, and you can't take aspirin because that wouldn't be having a hangover. The game is would you rather have that or that. Part of having a hangover, they're saying, is what it feels like to have a hangover. They're not saying what it feels like to have a hangover with aspirin and a shot of vitamins B, C and oxygen. You could do all those things. You know, rich people, they have the doctors come to their house and shoot vitamins -- you know that's what they do. I have friends, I know what they do when they're tired. They have a mobile nurse come to their house and shoot vitamin something in their ass.
Phillips: That's all true, by the way. They say that when you have a hangover, your brain shrinks because all the moisture in your brain--
Glass: From your squishy socks.
Phillips: --gets dried up. Yeah, so you just have this little tiny walnut-sized thing that's a brain with no water in it.
Glass: So, with that said, you have to give me an answer. We have 10 seconds.
Phillips: Let's go ahead. I'll reluctantly take the hiccups.
Glass: You're a moron, and I'll tell you why. Eric was right. OK, may we have another question?
Phillips: I didn't know there was I right or wrong.
Glass: There's no right or wrong. That's what they tell you and--
Phillips: And they're full of shit.
Ohlsen: Would you rather never be able to ride in an airplane again or never drive in a car again?
Glass: OK, I'm gonna tell you right now.
Phillips: That one's easy for me.
Glass: Never drive, I'd have to say. I'd have to say never a car.
Ohlsen: How are you gonna get to the airport?
Glass: You have someone take you. Oh, you can't...
Phillips: Yeah, you can't be in a car.
Ohlsen: It does say drive a car, not drive in a car. I bet they meant--
Phillips: That's a loophole, yeah. Let's fix that. Let's say that you can't be in a car.
Glass: OK, you can't be in a car.
Phillips: Yeah, because nowadays, you know, Uber.
Glass: Can I tell you, I hate flying. Makes me nauseous.
Ohlsen: I'm gonna definitely say, I mean, you know, you and I are road comics. I've been doing it 25 years, you've been doing it 40.
Glass: How dare you!
Ohlsen: Well, decades.
Glass: Edit this out, court stenographer.
Ohlsen: Three decades at least, right?
Glass: Yeah, I've been doing it since 1981.
Ohlsen: Oh, wow. That was-
Glass: Dramatic dragnet sound effect! If we have to pay royalties, they just won't mention we play it, but I think the audience wants to know, and I think they want to know what I'm saying right now. I think that people are captivated. I grab people, even through text, and I SUCK THEM RIGHT IN, 'cause they put that in all capital letters, I bet.
Ohlsen: In a car, you make your own time. In a plane, you always have to be there on their time.
Ohlsen: The car, you just, like, you know--
Glass: Packing is better, 'cause you can throw shit in the trunk in case you want it.
Ohlsen: Yeah, you remember stuff. Oh, did I--
Glass: You know what you can pack in a car? You know what I mean? You're like, You know what? I might want rain boots.
Ohlsen: Yeah, exactly. Plus, the car, you have a cup of coffee. You can make calls to people. You can watch a movie. You can do all kinds of stuff. My dad used to yell at us for waking him up while he was driving, so--
Glass: Crazy sound effect! Boing sound effect! Excuse me, to the person editing this. Right now, they're going, Todd, you don't have to worry about. But you know what? I think I'm doing a good job. They could leave that in, too. I'm directing it. I got everything figured out. All right, so I wanted to ask you another question.
Glass: What is your favorite candy? I have good fucking questions.
Ohlsen: Oh, that's three away.
Glass: Oh, is that really?
Ohlsen: Yes. That question's coming.
Glass: What is your favorite candy, if you could only eat one candy for the rest of your life? And you have five seconds to answer.
Phillips: I'm gonna go with Reese's Pieces, or Reese's, not Pieces, the cup.
Glass: Time's up. Sorry, you get nothing.
Phillips: I have to.
Glass: Sorry, no, there's rules.
Phillips: Well, that's bullshit.
Glass: Well, you know what? Pay attention.
Phillips: I want my Reese's cups.
Glass: You get nothing. You know what you're gonna get? You're gonna get frozen.
Phillips: Well, I should at least get Reese's Pieces 'cause I said that by accident. Don't I get that?
Phillips: OK, thanks.
Glass: See, I'm not trying to be mean. You get a big bucket of Reese's pieces.
Ohlsen: Would you rather live in Antarctica or Death Valley? Too hot or too cold?
Phillips: Death Valley. I'm a warm climate guy.
Glass: You know what? You're so not thinking these through, and I'm trying to help you.
Phillips: Oh, I know what you're gonna say and--
Glass: I know you know what I'm gonna say. Go ahead, say it.
Phillips: Global warming. Antarctica is gonna be very comfortable.
Ohlsen: It's easier to warm yourself up than it is to cool yourself down.
Glass: Stenographer, say that that was said by me, not Eric. I'm kidding. I was gonna say the same thing, but I cut you out. Or put: I agree. I agree with Eric.
Phillips: Oh, I see.
Glass: See, here's what you're picturing hot. I know you, you're picturing Miami on a hot day. Really?
Phillips: I'm picturing the parties that we used to have at Doug Stanhope's place in Death Valley.
Glass: Wow, remember those?
Ohlsen: But now, this thing doesn't include having that party, I'll bet. Are there recreational drugs involved in this scenario?
Glass: I remember seeing Sheryl Crow just macking out with -- crazy sound effect!
Ohlsen: In Death Valley?
Glass: Yeah, in Death Valley. Sheryl Crow was there and she was making out with--
Ohlsen: You were hallucinating.
Glass: She was making out--
Ohlsen: You were hallucinating.
Glass: No, Sheryl Crow wasn't there. It was the only name I could come up with.
Ohlsen: You were having a mirage or whatever.
Ohlsen: You were having a mirage.
Phillips: Is a mirage something that you have?
Ohlsen: For the rest of your life would you rather eat only tacos or only pizza?
Phillips: You know what? If you would have asked me this even five years ago I would have said pizza, there's no doubt, and I would have said, if you ask me this five years from now I'm gonna say pizza. But five years later I'm a changed person. As I get older -- I'm pushing late 50s--
Glass: OK, take that out. Put 34. Seriously, come on.
Phillips: But as I get to be older, I'm really into not only tacos--
Glass: Just say it again. Say, "as I get to be hitting my early 30s..."
Phillips: As I get to be hitting my early 30s, I'm starting to come--
Glass: How do you say "your early 30s"? Bullshit. Come on.
Phillips: What am I? Late 40s?
Glass: So you changed to tacos?
Phillips: Yeah, it's not only just because [I like] tacos. Pizza would be too much cheese for me, that would just be awful, but tacos have a southwestern thing.
Glass: You know what's awful? The Holocaust.
Glass: Not your cheese stories.
Phillips: Well, I'm going to--
Glass: No, I hear you, and I didn't mean to be rude.
Phillips: No, no, no. I think that tacos also carry with them this sort of southwestern flair that I have become fond of since I've been living in Death Valley, from the last question. I tied it in.
Ohlsen: You did tie it in, and let me tell you something, Henry: Every single one of us is very proud of you.
Phillips: Thanks. For the tie-in?
Ohlsen: Yeah, for the tie-in. Round of applause.
Phillips: It was sort of a callback, but more of a tie-in.
Ohlsen: Round of applause.
Glass: I also want to say this about pizza. I wanted to go down on the record and say this while we're talking about it and before we move on. You know people will argue: What's better, Chicago pizza or New York pizza?
Ohlsen: Oh, yeah.
Glass: You know what? Don't be a part of it anymore, if you have been. I'll tell you why. You can have two favorite slices. These are the same people, I bet, who wouldn't spend time arguing about a social issue that would, you know, be worth arguing. So here's the deal. Do I have a favorite pizza? Yeah. I do, and it's not Chicago. It's not Chicago if I could snap my fingers and get -- it's not Chicago. But when you're saying, "Would you like a piece of Chicago, any slice of pizza?" you're talking about the best. That's the way the game's played. The best Chicago slice versus the best New York style slice [versus] the best LA slice. OK, Chicago's not the one, if I could snap my fingers, that I'd get. But, if somebody gave me, in Chicago, a Chicago piece of pizza, real thick, even if I never wanted to get it again, when I ate it, when I was hungry, It'd be fucking great.
Ohlsen: Yeah, yeah.
Glass: It'd be great. And people go, They're gonna sit and argue back and forth, it's like they couldn't get it down. They're like, ugh, ugh, I can't eat Chicago. You might not order it, but at its worst, even Chicago pizza, it's gonna do the job. Am I wrong?
Ohlsen: No, you're absolutely right.
Glass: Thank you. That's why I like you.
Ohlsen: The genetic diversity between New York and Chicago can't be so much different that they have completely different taste buds, you know?
Glass: And you know what? I shouldn't say New York versus Chicago, 'cause that's the biggest difference there is because of the thickness. But just LA slice versus New York slice versus Florida slice. You know what? Everywhere I go, it's fucking great.
Phillips: You know what it is? It's another reason to hate. Nobody needs a new reason to hate people unless you're one of these brick-oven douchebags, but that's just a personal thing.
Glass: Henry, I don't know if you remember this, but at your special, backstage... It was my creation, but somebody brought it to fruition, and they were so good. Whoever, I forget the guy's name that did it, but he actually did the Pop-Tart thing, where we had a plate of Pop-Tarts, and then they had the slabs of ice cream, and you could go put your two Pop-Tarts in a toaster, and then you took a slab of vanilla and you put it in between. Have you ever done that for real?
Phillips: I'm not sure that I did it.
Glass: We should do it after this.
Glass: You get Pop-Tarts, you put two of them in the toaster.
Glass: Then you take ice cream, you put it on one Pop-Tart, I cut it in the freezer because then it's easy to put right on, but you could just take it and put with a spoon and put it on one Pop-Tart. Put the other warm Pop-Tart on top. It's shut-the-fuck-up good.
Ohlsen: Is it healthy? I'm on a health kick.
Glass: Well, the healthiest thing I know is actually a good healthy thing. Someone taught me this. You know when people say, "Have an apple"? If you want candy, an apple ain't gonna cut it. You're looking for processed sugar. We're not talking about whether it's good or bad. We're talking about, "Have an apple." But this does the job, and it is still much better than having, like, a candy bar. And, let's be realistic, who's eating a candy bar these days? You eat three of them.
Glass: You know, I go, "bring me back Reese's cups" the other week. Somebody brought me back two regular Reese's cups. Are you shitting me? I meant a bag! So, anyway--
Ohlsen: Well, yeah, my girlfriend is Canadian. You know her. It's funny how much different her sensibilities are, and I don't know if it's a Canadian versus American thing.
Glass: Less gluttonous, I bet?
Ohlsen: Yeah, I think that's what I'm getting at, and I don't want to insult anybody on either side--
Glass: No, it's a compliment.
Ohlsen: But yeah, it's just funny 'cause she would be the opposite. I'd be like, "Yeah, get me Reese's cups" and then she'd get one cup and then she'd cut it into four and be like, "we'll have these today, we'll split that quarter of it, and then we'll have one every day for like 18 days," and I'm like, "Fuck that, give me my cup." What's worse about that is that she got me the cup, too. Like, as if I'm gonna be that mad at somebody when I didn't even get it for myself.
Glass: So you take an apple.
Ohlsen: Yes. I'm sorry, I probably wasn't listening.
Glass: No, I was listening to everything. You're talking about your girlfriend, and then you said, "I shouldn't have used that word." I'm paying attention. But the last thing you said, I was thinking about my idea.
Glass: So, look, this is the place to talk about food.
Ohlsen: That's right.
Glass: Right? Maybe you open up two tangerines, you know, and you break them all up or whatever, you know or you get an apple slicer, 'cause you know what? You end up eating apples more. You slice it, you know, and they all come out perfectly. Then you take two packets of raw sugar. Now, I know I'm gonna answer the negativity before it even happens. People go, "At that point you may as well have a candy bar." Far from it. Far from it. It's not a little bit better, it's a shit-ton better. I know, because the person that told me to do it is a -- what do you call someone that deals with people and their food?
Ohlsen: A sous-
Glass: She works with people and their food. A nutritionist.
Ohlsen: Oh, yeah.
Glass: Take two packets of sugar, raw, sprinkle it out on a plate. So, let's say you take two apples. You cut them. If you have an apple cutter, you know where it just turns them into eight pieces right away. Take two. Now you got like, whatever it is, 16 little pieces of apple, and stamp it in the sugar. Because it give you that kick you need.
Glass: And a lot of it... Think about how many -- stamp it, eat it. You have two tangerines and you open them up. Stamp it, eat it, stamp it...
Glass: You know, they break off in little pieces.
Glass: And you know what? It does the job. It's close, but, no, it's amazing.
Ohlsen: Wow, OK.
Glass: You gonna do it?
Ohlsen: I will do it, yeah.
Glass: Well, I made it up.
Ohlsen: Wait -- that whole thing, you made it up?
Glass: It's still real.
Ohlsen: From the beginning?
Glass: No, it's true. I've done it. I've done it. And you know what else is good?
Ohlsen: What's that?
Glass: You also take Oreo cookies and stamp them in sugar and they're amazing, too.
Ohlsen: And that's good?
Glass: Gives them a little zest they need. Next question, thank you, Eric Ohlsen.
Ohlsen: Sure. Would you rather have shit on your face or your ass?
Glass: What? That's an easy one.
Ohlsen: And I can only pick one.
Glass: People laugh in background. I want the person transcribing this to do it right.
Phillips: I think it's one of those things -- it's like the opposite game where you have to pick the one... Wait, sorry.
Ohlsen: Are you all right?
Phillips: Sorry, no, I interrupted.
Ohlsen: No, you don't, let me tell you something...
Phillips: But I know what the answer to every single one of these.
Ohlsen: You never have to worry. Would you rather have your entire unfiltered browser history printed on the front page of the newspaper, or watch your parents have sex for 45 minutes?
Phillips: And I could only pick one?
Ohlsen: I was just waiting for that.
Phillips: Can I get another beer? Is that possible?
Glass: Sure, yeah, but let's finish...
Phillips: Wait, do they know we're drinking on this?
Ohlsen: No, no, they don't.
Glass: How long have we gone?
Ohlsen: 25 minutes.
Glass: OK, let's do, we have the last one we have to do.
Phillips: Do they know that we're shit-faced?
Glass: Boing sound effect!
Ohlsen: All right, here we go, here we go.
Phillips: I didn't truly answer that last one, but that's OK. I'm an investigative journalist.
Ohlsen: Here's one.
Glass: Why was The Price Is Right's Drew Carey at your special?
Phillips: He was there.
Glass: Why didn't they get any shots of him?
Phillips: Can I tell a quick story?
Glass: I said, why didn't you get any shots of Drew Carey! I kept going over to the director [Steven Feinartz] that night, and I hope you didn't hear me from the stage. Did you? 'Cause they have some recording of that, I think, and it's me, and I guess I'm yelling while--
Phillips: It didn't make it into the special, but we kept the--
Glass: --you're doing your act.
Glass: And there's this thing where I'm supposedly yelling at Steve because I think he can get a shot of Drew, because it would be cool to Drew.
Phillips: That's a good question. Why didn't we get a shot of Drew? Sorry.
Ohlsen: Do you know why it's a really good question? Because as the executive producer, I said to the director, "Hey, get a shot of Drew." You know what?
Phillips: So I would like to know: Why didn't we get a shot of Drew?
Glass: There's three people here, and we're all wondering, Why didn't they get a shot of Drew? That's Price Is Right's Drew Carey. Wait -- can I tell you something? Just in case, I love watching The Price Is Right. Me and Art were talking the other day. It makes you feel like everything's gonna be OK.
Phillips: It really does. Well, he's great and I have a quick story that I want to tell that's something that he said to me after we taped the special. Brendan Walsh is good friends with him. He's a lovely guy, has just a great attitude, and we know he's been a historically super-funny guy, so I don't know for sure whether he was joking or not, but we also know he's an extremely wealthy guy because of The Price Is Right and all that stuff.
Glass: I know. Why do I love how wealthy he is?
Phillips: Oh, it's amazing. So I've got this song where I talk about how jealous I am that my friend is making so much money, and I, in this song -- it's the song that I close the special with -- I say, "I heard you were making $3,000 a day," and the only note that I got after the special was Drew Carey came up to me and he said, "Yeah, that one song, it's great, but that line about $3,000 a day, that should be more, right? Like, it's not a whole lot of money."
Glass: Oh, god.
Phillips: I was like, "Yeah, you know, it's fine."
Glass: He's right.
Phillips: Yeah. It's like, to me--
Glass: Oh, god. Your special sucked.
Phillips: --it's a massive amount. For him that's probably--
Glass: Drew was right. No wonder they didn't get a crowd shot of him.
Phillips: --that's probably like saying, "I heard you were making $30 a day." You know, it's like, what?
Glass: Price Is Right loser sound effect! That was a good drop, John Brand Wagner.
Phillips: But anyway, we don't have footage of him at the special, so this all could be bullshit. We don't have anything saying that that happened.
Glass: I was there.
Glass: I know. This is Glass, by the way.
Phillips: This is all text, so they don't even know that that's Glass that just said that.
Ohlsen: This is Glass. How do we really know it's Glass?
Phillips: It could be me doing an imitation.
Glass: By the way, can I give a shout-out to--
Ohlsen: You're a little late.
Glass: Mid-City Dental.
Ohlsen: Mid-City Dental. Oh, yeah.
Glass: They did all my veneers and my crowns, and you know what? They did a beautiful job and it proves you can get something that's not going to kill you financially, but is the Beverly Hills service at the not near Beverly Hills prices.
Phillips: You know, and your teeth look great, and you just reminded me, I do have a shout-out that I want to give, too. It's petpeepee.com--
Glass: Watch your mouth.
Phillips: And they do oriental rug cleaning.
Glass: Oh, really? Is this true?
Phillips: Yeah, they pay me to go on and give them a little love, you know? It's oriental rug cleaning. Now it's Asian rug cleaning.
Glass: I know, well, these days. What's your last question? The last thing?
Phillips: By the way, can I just say, petpeepee.com is a real thing. I'm not actually affiliated with them.
Ohlsen: But you would like to be.
Phillips: Yeah. We're trying to woo them.
Glass: You can still go back and--
Ohlsen: OK, yeah, let's do another one.
Glass: If we do this last one and then we stop and we wanna go back and ask you one more thing, we will.
Glass: Let's just do the last one.
Ohlsen: If we spend whatever we need to spend, it's all good. We're in no hurry.
Ohlsen: Would you rather kill your Amazon Prime stand-up special while completely naked, or would you rather bomb while fully clothed?
Phillips: Oh, I hope every comic has the same answer to this one.
Glass: Say it again.
Ohlsen: Would you rather kill your Amazon Prime stand-up special while completely naked, or bomb while fully clothed?
Glass: Oh, kill while naked.
Ohlsen: That's an easy one.
Phillips: Yeah, kill while naked. This is a question targeted toward people who don't want other people to see their private parts for some reason. No, I think that for a comic it's like, yeah, you know what, whatever you're laughing at about me, you know, if you're laughing at my genitals, then sure, I want to kill. I don't want to stand there and bomb for an hour.
Glass: I know that you shot it, so for you it's like you've already talked about it, but you know what else I wanted to do on my special that I did, that I saw you did on your special?
Glass: That it looked like [it was shot] where you would see a performer in real life.
Glass: That it wasn't recreated.
Phillips: In a studio, yeah.
Glass: The places that they recreate, they're not even like the cool theaters that they would re-create. There's 1,200-seat theaters that are crazy, but they're just like this big thing in the opening and it's like, I just want to go see where if I was at a really cool place to go see a performer, what it would look like there.
Phillips: I'm totally with you.
Glass: Even the guitar thing.
Phillips: When you and I--
Glass: What was that? There was like a big wooden box--
Phillips: Oh, yeah,
Glass: --probably from 1930 that someone would put their stand-up bass in, is that what that was?
Phillips: Yeah, and it's a funky LA venue in Hollywood. But you and I go back to the Largo days. More you. I used to be in the audience, but I'd see you performing at Largo, and remember there was that show, Late Friday. They did a pretty good job, I mean--
Glass: They did, yeah, you're right.
Phillips: They kind of recreated the whole Largo vibe. You know, they had like candles on the table tops,
Phillips: And I think people are trying to do that because it's, like, well, you're watching comedy in a place where it would never happen, you know?
Glass: Now, let me ask you a question: Is it Mike Judd or Mike Rowe?
Phillips: Which one are you talking about -- Mike Judge?
Glass: I'm just kidding.
Phillips: He was in the audience.
Glass: Mike Judge was in the audience.
Glass: Now, he kept giving you the finger. Why was he doing that?
Phillips: Uh, I didn't know that he was doing that.
Glass: Can you not put the part where I fuck up his name? Mike Judd?
Phillips: Judge, yeah.
Glass: Mike Judge.
Phillips: People might know him...
Glass: Cut, cut! I swear to god, whoever's doing this, don't get cutesy with me, OK? Now here we go. Mike Judd was in the audience. Did I say it wrong?
Glass: OK. Let me say it again -- no, seriously, Mike Judge was in the audience. Why was he giving you the finger? And be honest.
Phillips: Ah well, this is the first time I'm finding out that he was giving me the finger.
Glass: Oh, no, no. I'm just kidding. All right, let's move on.
Phillips: No, he was. People out there might know his work. He created a show called Beavis and Butt-Head and then King of the Hill and then [the movies] Idiocracy and Office Space, and now he has Silicon Valley.
Glass: Can I tell you something?
Phillips: He hasn't really done much.
Glass: Can I tell you something?
Glass: I got to the movie Beavis and Butt-Head--
Glass: --later than everybody. Two years ago at the Tempe Improv, Duncan Carey, who used to work there, and his roommate, were gonna watch Beavis and Butt-Head, the movie.
Phillips: Do America, right?
Glass: They asked me if I wanted to come watch it. At the time I was in my 40s. And I loved it so much.
Phillips: Oh, it's so great.
Glass: Every "we're gonna do a cavity search" and I was like, why did I never see this? I can't believe how much I like this. You know what it's like to be a full grown adult but giggling and kicking your feet in the air while a dog licks your ass?
Phillips: That's the thing. I remember when it first came out it was controversial because of the name "Butt-Head." Like, they were talking about, Oh, this is the decline of western civilization, but they were missing the whole satirical angle, kind of like pointing the fun at that exact thing. And I was like...
Glass: If this was my regular podcast, I would segue that into: Wow, this world we live in constantly is more upset with vulgarity than the hatred towards groups.
Phillips: That's right.
Glass: You know, it's like, if you don't curse... We'll talk about it later.
Phillips: It's a great topic.
Glass: The Michelle Wolf thing, like, you know, yeah. OK, it's vulgar, but then people like, Elvis' crotch...
Phillips: Or, Marc Maron just tweeted recently that Cosby wouldn't do his show 'cause it was called What the Fuck.
Glass: Yeah. And that's not a coincidence. That's not like, Oh, OK we get it. No, that constantly happens when people try to be full of shit.
Phillips: It's outrageous. I just feel bad for a buddy of mine whose only story in comedy was how Cosby complimented him one time.
Glass: He should drop the story.
Phillips: Now he's gotta preface it with, "Well, I know Cosby is a rapist, but..."
Glass: Yeah, you know what he should do? Drop the story. Tell him to get something else cooking so he doesn't have to use that story. Who is he?
Phillips: No, he has to footnote it every single time...
Glass: Who is it?
Phillips: I can't say.
Glass: OK, cool. I know who it is, then.
Phillips: It's the guy whose only story is about Bill Cosby.
Glass: Yeah, you know who it is? It's uh, me.
Ohlsen: It's Mike Judge. That's why he was giving him the finger.
Glass: Mike Judge, that's why he was giving you the finger. Thank you, edit him out saying that, court stenographer person lady man. That's how advanced I am. Uh, OK, so that's all I wanted to say.
Ohlsen: We got another one?
Glass: OK, let's do one more, quicky.
Ohlsen: Do you wanna mention more of Henry's credits? Like, follow up on Silicon Valley?
Phillips: Oh, yeah.
Glass: Hey, let me tell you something, Henry.
Phillips: OK, yep.
Glass: Now, around this room we got a lot of fans here. No, seriously. My manager texted-- by the way, this is true, "George Carlin, this is the truth." I'm gonna say the name wrong, but for your cooking show.
Phillips: Henry's Kitchen.
Glass: Henry's Kitchen. They're so well done, and Alex Murray, even though I don't know why he wouldn't manage you, he calls me, he can't get enough, and he goes, "Todd." I go, "Alex, you called me two weeks ago when you watched that one." He goes, "I know, I re-watched it. I can't get enough of it."
Phillips: That warms my heart. I love that. I love Alex and I love that he likes those, and I love them too.
Glass: You and Your -- I have half the information right -- You and Your Goddamn Big Cup of Coffee.
Phillips: You and Your F*cking Coffee, it's called.
Glass: You and Your F*cking Coffee, OK.
Glass: That same thing. You know what it is after a while, I think, in somebody's career, and you know what? Take a compliment.
Glass: It is awkward to get compliments, but you know what I tell people? Just look the other way and I'll compliment you.
Glass: Because deep down you probably like it. Same thing, after a while you probably get to a point in your career where everything shows who you are. That's why I think everything you do always makes me... The cup of coffee thing, it's so fucking absurd. It's so absurd and they're great. Is there anything else, did I miss anything?
Ohlsen: No, but I was gonna say that the reason we did your special -- like, when I talked to Steve and I said, like, "Look, I wanna start doing this" -- we came up with a couple of names and then I watched Punching the Clown for the first time, and then I called Steve back, and I go, "Call Henry."
Phillips: Ah, that's so cool.
Ohlsen: Punching the Clown is one of the funniest movies ever made.
Phillips: Thanks. I'm really happy, it's-
Glass: Who played your manager?
Phillips: Ellen Ratner is her name. She's so good.
Ohlsen: I don't even want to say f'ing loved her because it ruins--
Glass: God, she's perfect.
Ohlsen: She was. You know what it's like when you go to see a comedy and then along with it you get some, like, good acting and you're like, wow? Like, really, at the end I felt so, aww, like I loved her.
Phillips: I know. She's wonderful, yeah. And there's this sort of, like, maternal instinct that was kicking in with her client which I think, it happens, you know. I mean, you tend to really get a bond with your manager that goes beyond just business.
Phillips: You know, but that's what we tried to play out in there. But yeah, I'm really happy with the movie and it changed everything for me. I mean, I went from having, you know, nobody in my audiences, to like 13. It was amazing.
Glass: Who played the radio host?
Phillips: Wade Kelley. He's fantastic.
Glass: He was great, too. See, yeah, he was great--
Ohlsen: That scene where you realized that there was a curse word that needs to be bleeped out--
Phillips: Oh, yeah.
Ohlsen: And the mic's on. That scene is funnier than some entire movies.
Phillips: It's the opening scene. If people want, you can go to Amazon.com or -- what am I saying, Amazon.com? Just go to Amazon. It's www...
Glass: I'm fucked up. How does everyone think? I did this whole interview fucked up. Don't I turn it on? If you read about, you know after everybody dies, you know, whether it's Garry Shandling and your heart breaks, or Harris Wittels, they always tell these stories. Oh, they did these crazy things, but when they were alive, it probably just annoyed everybody. Well, what about me?
Phillips: It's kind of like--
Glass: I have to start doing things crazy, and I'm gonna start getting coked up, fucked up, and start living life so when I die, people have great stories to tell about me.
Phillips: It's like that baseball pitcher who threw a no-hitter while on acid. That's what happened here tonight.
Glass: Yes, I'm fucked up. You don't get it.
Phillips: That's right.
Glass: I want the audience to know, I shouldn't be here. I'm vomiting inwardly.
Phillips: That's just called swallowing, right?
Glass: Thank you. So, I'd like to say goodnight in a song.
Phillips: OK, I'm down with that.
Glass: [singing, whistling]
Phillips: Good whistle.
Phillips: I spoke too soon. No. I'm just kidding.
Glass: [whistling] I wrote that for you.
Phillips: That was beautiful.
Glass: Can I tell you something? Thank you.
Ohlsen: Yes, Todd whistles for ten minutes.
Phillips: Did he just improvise that? Or did you guys--
Glass: The interview's over.
Phillips: Oh, you've worked on that? Very impressive.
Glass: We're done. Good luck with your special. When are you shooting your special?
Phillips: No, the special is already done.
Glass: Great. That's the end of the interview.