Do we want you to enjoy bonus values for choosing to be our guest? Of course we do. We’d love to give you some free scones before you check out! Hey, while we’re at it, let’s win the lottery, engineer a worldwide reunion tour of the marginal early-aughts English pop band S Club 7, and stop hiring recently paroled convicts of violent crimes into janitorial roles that provide them access to every room in the Regent Valu-Corp Suites [Full Bed, A/C, Minibar](AIRPORT LOCATION)! Right?!
Remember: we have your billing address on file.
Wrong, Sir/Madam. Wake up and smell the instant coffee. That’s just not the way the world works anymore. We’ve got to be realistic. So if you don’t put down your duffel bag, sit your ass back down on the edge of this bed, and take this goddamned questionnaire about our fucking prepackaged bagels, we here at the Regent Valu-Corp Suites [Full Bed, A/C, Minibar](AIRPORT LOCATION) will have no choice but to dispatch our Facilities Manager to your room to demonstrate how truly easy it is. On his rap sheet, his name is listed as Mike, but in our brief experience with him as a part of our dedicated staff, we’ve found it’s best to call him by his chosen nickname: Horse. Also, try not to make eye contact.