Artfully handcrafted in the furthest reaches of Myanmar’s easternmost province by our outsourced customer-service partners, this simple 27-part interrogation about mini-muffins and those weird single-serving jelly packets will take you just 45 minutes**** to fill out using our TVRoomQuizPlus technology (patent pending; standard rates apply). Unless you’re dense. But you’re not dense, are you, Sir/Madam? You made the smart choice to stay with us here at the Regent Valu-Corp Suites [Full Bed, A/C, Minibar](AIRPORT LOCATION), so obviously not!
Listen, Sir/Madam. We’re going to be honest with you. The economy being what it is, we’ve had to make some difficult business decisions to maintain our commitment to offering the highest possible level of mediocre hospitality (whenever possible). The complimentary Continental Breakfast on which you stubbornly refuse to offer your potentially useful review content, for example. Do you think those personal boxes of knock-off versions of Frosted Flakes and Frosted Mini-Wheats are free? Because they’re not. We are taking a fucking bath on those.
Do we want you to enjoy bonus values for choosing to be our guest? Of course we do. We’d love to give you some free scones before you check out! Hey, while we’re at it, let’s win the lottery, engineer a worldwide reunion tour of the marginal early-aughts English pop band S Club 7, and stop hiring recently paroled convicts of violent crimes into janitorial roles that provide them access to every room in the Regent Valu-Corp Suites [Full Bed, A/C, Minibar](AIRPORT LOCATION)! Right?!
Remember: we have your billing address on file.
Wrong, Sir/Madam. Wake up and smell the instant coffee. That’s just not the way the world works anymore. We’ve got to be realistic. So if you don’t put down your duffel bag, sit your ass back down on the edge of this bed, and take this goddamned questionnaire about our fucking prepackaged bagels, we here at the Regent Valu-Corp Suites [Full Bed, A/C, Minibar](AIRPORT LOCATION) will have no choice but to dispatch our Facilities Manager to your room to demonstrate how truly easy it is. On his rap sheet, his name is listed as Mike, but in our brief experience with him as a part of our dedicated staff, we’ve found it’s best to call him by his chosen nickname: Horse. Also, try not to make eye contact.
In closing, we’d like to thank you for choosing the Regent Valu-Corp Suites [Full Bed, A/C, Minibar](AIRPORT LOCATION), Sir/Madam. Please consider booking your trip with us again. After all, according to a recent survey, the guests who stayed in this room before you ranked our Continental Breakfast a “Perfect 10” on a scale from 1-10, with 1 being “It’s delicious” and 10 being “HORSE, I BEG FOR MERCY! I'LL SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT! PLEASENOAGHHHHHHHHHHH!”
When you think about it that way, we couldn’t fathom staying anywhere else. Could you?! (Remember: we have your billing address on file.) Please remember to return your room keys to the front desk as you check out.
Yours in service,
Management, Regent Valu-Corp Suites [Full Bed, A/C, Minibar](AIRPORT LOCATION)
*The Regent Valu-Corp Suites Plunder & Restoration Team lovingly converted one of the city’s decrepit kitty litter factories into the period-faithful, semi-licensed hotel you’re standing in at this very moment!
**Please refer to our “cameo” in the excellent and extremely necessary local news segment entitled Buffet Breakdown, available for rent (VHS) at City Library.
***Regardless of the hour at which you’re reading this message, there are unfortunately no hospitality managers at the front desk with whom to contest the charge. This is also company policy.
****Average respondent; your time will vary, because this is a lie.
Dave Infante is a senior writer at Thrillist. Follow @dinfontay on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat.