Liberals, beware: Glenn Beck, the foremost prognosticator of our times -- the Punxsutawney Phil of morning radio, if you will -- has just announced his list of the top 15 US cities to "avoid like the plague," and boy is it a doozy.
The modern-day Nostradamus unleashed his powers of foresight and soothsaying on his self-titled radio show this week, rattling off his list of doomed cities in the spooky, resonating tones that only a seasoned oracle/Morning Zoo DJ could ever hope to project. Beside him, plumes of sinister moisture issued forth from the towering, sperm-shaped humidifier, lapping the great seer's tanned flesh and setting the scene for what will undoubtedly prove to be the most important list ever enumerated.
Top honors go to Portland, OR (contemporary Babylon of the Pacific Northwest), which was followed closely by San Francisco in second place, and Seattle in third. Other notable places that somehow made the cut are Denver (4th), Boston (9th), and Milwaukee (11th). Of course, in true radio host style, Beck counted down the list from bottom to top, casually omitting one of the 15 cities and screwing up the ranking in his zeal to get to number one. But never mind the details, there's calamity afoot!
So how exactly did he come up with his ranking? Well, like all the best harbingers of misfortune, Beck ties his ranking to the man upstairs: these are the 15 least religious cities in America, places Beck claims "are the cities that already having trouble." Yep, Milwaukee's definitely on its way down the path to oblivion.
Here's the full ranking of cities (including the one Beck left out):
15. St. Louis, MO
14. Washington, DC
13. Minneapolis-St. Paul (a twofer!)
12. Las Vegas, NV
11. Milwaukee, WI
10. Los Angeles, CA
9. Boston, MA
8. Detroit, MI
7. Columbus, OH
6. St Petersburg, FL
5. Phoenix, NV
4. Denver, CO
3. Seattle, WA
2. San Francisco, CA
1. Portland, OR
Gianni Jaccoma is a staff writer for Thrillist, and he really wants that humidifier. Follow his dry tweets @gjaccoma, and send your news tips to email@example.com