Entertainment

Bad Dating Advice From 'Man Seeking Woman' Star Eric Andre

Eric Andre on Man Seeking Woman
Courtesy of FX

On FXX's sophomore comedy Man Seeking Woman (airs Wednesdays at 10:30pm ET/PT), standard dating predicaments are blown out to ridiculous extremes. Protagonist Josh Greenberg (Jay Baruchel) goes on a bad blind date... with a real-life troll. He finds out his ex has a new boyfriend... who happens to be Adolf Hitler. He gets jealous of his girlfriend’s male friend... and he’s a multi-tentacled Japanese Penis Monster. You get the gist.

The series is particularly good at examining the stresses and strains that define modern dating, so we called up comedian Eric Andre, who plays Josh’s sex-crazed BFF, Mike, to hear some of his dating advice, which turns out to be almost as wild as some of the scenarios on the show itself. Seriously, just wait until he explains what "The Firefighter" is. You're in for a treat!

What's the best and worst dating advice you've ever received?

I can start with the worst. The worst is jocks in high school that are like, "You've got to treat girls like shit and they fall in love with you!" And I'm like, "What? What are you talking about?" The best advice... I don't know. My friends are cretins. They're scumbags. They don't have good dating advice. I feel like female friends are worse at giving advice on how to date women than male friends. They don't perceive the turmoil we go through on our end.

But I feel like all the good and bad advice came while I was in high school, and I've burned too many brain cells to remember any of that stuff. Play hard to get, catch and release, act like you don't care when you do care. But it's hard to make a broad generalization about how to treat 3 billion people on the Earth, it's generally case-by-case. I think the general psychology is don't scare anyone off, but be persistent. But you're asking the wrong guy.

Did you ever use the old "play hard to get" tactic?

No, I was terrified of beautiful women until I was 24 or 25. So I was not getting anywhere with the opposite sex all through high school and college.

Do you have any dating advice for us?

Wear a condom. And there's mosquitoes that can give your babies birth defects, so wrap it up. Don't fuck a mosquito. Don't fuck a mosquito, no matter how horny you are.

What's your go-to move on the first date?

I hold the bottom of the popcorn bin and I put my penis in it. No! That's a move that everyone says they pulled in eighth grade, but that has never happened. That's such an urban myth. My move? I don't know, I just get as drunk as possible so I'm not nervous.

How do you feel about seeing a movie on a date?

I think a movie's a pretty bad date because you don't talk to the person and get to know them, I think you've got to talk to the person. Getting drinks is better than getting dinner because getting drinks, you can get out of it if they're a crazy person; dinner, you're kind of stuck there till the check comes. But you've got to talk to the person. Going to a movie or a show is a good date once you know the person, but not at the beginning.

What genre of movie would you pick?

Probably one of the Saw movies. Put my date in the mood, get her all hot and bothered.

Are you a Netflix-and-chill fan?

I'm a big advocate of that. I'm very tired all the time, so that's a lot easier than taking a gal out. I'm exhausted. I'm just tired.

What's your favorite romantic movie?

Annie Hall, because it ends with them breaking up.

What's something that would be an instant deal-breaker for you?

I don't want to date a Belieber -- like a girl who has Justin Bieber playing in her car when I get in, or too many Justin Bieber songs. I'll allow one Justin Bieber song, and you better be ashamed. If you're over the age of 12 and you listen to Justin Bieber, you should turn yourself in for arrest.

What about an instant turn-on?

I just want a girl who will pee on me. I'm like a romantic. No, I don't know. Just a girl with a job. I feel like a lot of the girls I've dated are like bums. I just want a girl with a job because I work so much, it's like, you need a job too, babe, to occupy your time, 'cause I can't hang out all day. I've been dating a lot of menopausal retirees. Over 40 is cougars, but over 60 is silverbacks. 

I've never heard that before. Got any other good dating slang you'd like to impart?

There's "The Firefighter," which is kind of a sex term, not a dating term. Firefighter is when you're having sex with a girl and right before you ejaculate you set her pubes on fire, and then you ejaculate on her and put out the flames. 

That sounds advanced. And dangerous.

It's the height of romance. That's how you know you're in love. 

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Anna Silman is a staff writer at Thrillist Entertainment. She does not endorse this advice. Find her on Twitter: @annaesilman.