A crap show finally gets served

Published On 11/08/2011 Published On 11/08/2011

Undertaken for the same reason as almost any other epic journey -- Family Matters didn't have a comprehensive DVD box set -- FHR is chronologically recapping every single episode of Full House's eight seasons, providing wildly detailed storyboard rundowns for anyone who would "like to learn about the stupefying idiocy that is Full House, but [doesn't] enjoy the visceral anger it causes when you take the actual time out of your day to sit down and watch it". Every recap is loaded with gems, but a choice few include:

"When Joey enters the scene even the kids aren’t excited. Every single line this guy says throughout the entire series makes you want to punch him in the face. I was always under the impression that the rest of the family found his antics to be hilarious, but in this first episode everyone seems surprisingly cognizant of what an obnoxious a**hole he is. In order to feel welcome he unloads his sh*t into the alcove behind the living room and does a sh*tty Popeye impression."

"This scene’s kind of great because you can really see the struggle going on inside of Uncle Jesse. How can a man choose between Carrie’s big ol’ t*tties and Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass? T*tties vs. butts is a struggle that has torn apart better men than Uncle Jesse. Ultimately, obviously, he sticks with Rebecca Donaldson, and I think the reasons are pretty obvious: Jesse is a worthless parasite, and his top priority in any relationship is being able to mercilessly sponge off of the other person."

"OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT’S URKEL!...Let’s quickly review what brings him to the full house: some girl we’ve never seen before ran into the full house with DJ and said that her cousin was bugging them, and then her cousin turned out to be Urkel. How’s that for an inspired crossover? I think it would have actually seemed less random if Urkel had just knocked on the door out of the blue and been like, 'what’s up, you guys, I’m Urkel from Family Matters.'"