Entertainment

The 55 Sickest Burns by Erlich Bachman on 'Silicon Valley'

Published On 07/01/2016 Published On 07/01/2016
silicon valley erlich bachman tj miller
HBO / Oren Aks / Thrillist

Light spoilers for the three seasons of Silicon Valley, which are available to stream on HBO Go and HBO Now, to follow. As Erlich might say, if you haven't watched it yet, what the f*ck are you doing here?

In Silicon Valley, when it comes to Erlich Bachman (T.J. Miller) and insults, no one is safe. Pied Piper's resident arrogant blowhard "who says whatever the fuck he wants" is the king of tech-oriented takedowns.

In the wake of the HBO series' Season 3 finale, which saw Erlich become Pied Piper's new owner, we compiled a list of the character's harshest burns, snarkiest digs, and most eloquently phrased put-downs unleashed thus far. Bask in Erlich's lovable rudeness till Season 4, when the Bachmanity insanity continues. (Warninggleefully NSFW words and phrases follow.)

HBO/Youtube

When Erlich sees his incubees not taking advantage of a networking opportunity:
"Kid Rock is the poorest person here -- apart from you guys. There's $40 billion of net worth walking around this party. You guys are standing around drinking shrimp and talking about what cum tastes like."

In response to Richard calling Steve Jobs a codeless poser:
"You just disappeared up your own asshole, you know that?"

To Jared, after learning of his intent to leave Hooli for Pied Piper:
"The fuck you will be. We'll call you when we want pleated khakis."

What it's like when he tells people to be skeptical:
"Let me explain something to you: your whole life you've been an ugly chick, but now suddenly you're a hot chick with big tits and small nipples. So guys like that are gonna keep coming around. Don't be a slut, Richard."

Upon seeing the first Pied Piper logo:
"What is that atrocity? What are we, an Irish pornography company?"

After Richard tries to get Erlich off the Pied Piper board:
"Do you remember this particular dickbag I got on video? Because you did [offer me a board position]. … You offering me a position on this board and reneging it is a perfect example of you having no vision, no balls, and no game."

To the late Peter Gregory, making a case for Pied Piper's innovative tech:
"Today's user wants access to all their files, from all of their devices, instantly. That's why cloud-based is the Holy Grail. Now Dropbox is winning. But when it comes to audio and video files, they might as well be called Dripbox."

HBO/Youtube

When confronting a bully half his size and age:
"Which one was it? It was church candy, wasn't it? You just brought piss to a shit fight, you little cunt...
I'll curb-stomp that little face so hard that your teeth will go flying, you little shit!"

Trying to intimidate the competition at TechCrunch Disrupt:
"I'll sort of close right here in the center [of the stage] with the confidence and poise, well, they probably wouldn't have seen up until this point."

Standing up for Pied Piper's pre-pivot shortcomings:
"So the platform can't handle 3D files. You know what, 3D movies suck anyway."

Upon learning he won't present Pied Piper in the TechCrunch Disrupt finals:
"No, no, no. Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard. Respectfully… respectfully, you're terrible. You have a world-class showman standing right in front of you. And you're gonna pass on that?"

When touring a potential Pied Piper office, which is in the process of being vacated:
"Don't touch anything. Failure is contagious."

In reference to Gilfoyle's girlfriend, Tara:
"Can you imagine what kind of shitshow this one's gonna be? He says that she has an Amy Winehouse vibe. What does that mean? All tatted up and nowhere to go?"

Also in reference to Gilfoyle's girlfriend, Tara:
"Jesus, where did he get Amy Winehouse from? I mean, I'd have sex with that -- if you hosed the Gilfoyle off of her."

Upon learning of Tara's alleged attraction to Dinesh:
"Wait, are you sure that she didn't ask Gilfoyle for a Danish, and maybe you misheard her?"

Justifying Tara's alleged attraction to Dinesh:
"I just figured it out -- it all makes sense. Why Tara might be into you more than me: she's attracted to ugliness. Think about it: this is the life she chooses. She's attracted to unattractiveness. Look at all these ugly people. And Gilfoyle, and now you… By no metric could you possibly be considered more attractive than me."

HBO/Youtube

To potential Pied Piper funders, trying to neg them:
"It's just that painting behind you. It's awful, it looks like harlequin Kama Sutra done poorly. So, I agree, bad culture fit."

"Your logo looks like a sideways vagina. I find that to be racist, don't you?"

"Here's my concern: who the hell picked out that shirt for you? Oh, I see. With the pants, so I guess it's a whole thing... You married poorly."

"Do you care about Pied Piper? Because if you do, I'm not seeing it. In fact, what I think I'm seeing is the human equivalent of a flaccid penis."

"No, this is all wrong. I am sensing a general lack of vision. Your muffins smell like shit. So do your ideas. One of you is the least-attractive person I've ever seen. I'm not gonna say who. Should we leave, or should you?"

To no one in particular:
"If I have to, I'm going to keep my fucking Star Blazers VHS tapes in my room. It doesn't take an IQ-9 to know they should remain alphabetized."

Helping Richard come up with a cyborg insult after Cyborg Jared played Pied Piper:
"Well, cyborg, fuck you, you fucking metal-dick piece of shit."

To potential Christian incubees pitching an animal-centric startup:
"I'm gonna stop you right there. You do know that ferrets are illegal in the state of California? Hmm? No, well then I suppose you also don't know that potbelly pigs have been wildly unfashionable since 2005. Owning a potbelly pig is frowned upon almost as much as being a Christian."

HBO/Youtube

To the same pair of Christians:
"Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California."

To Richard, after letting him return to his incubator:
"I've heard quite a few exciting pitches over the last week, but I'll be forced to forgo those opportunities because of your mediocrity. You see, Richard, when I invited you into my incubator, I promised to get you ready for the outside world. But I failed to do that. I wouldn't trust you out there in the real world as far as I could throw you. And to be honest, I could probably throw you all the way across the front yard."

To Gilfoyle:
"You look like a ferret that gave up on himself six months ago."

Planting a deadly seed in Richard's head for him to take to Homicide:
"There is something you should know, though. Aaron Anderson wasn't very well liked in college. In fact, people used to call him 'Double Asshole,' so watch out for that guy."

To Dinesh, regarding his online dating fiasco (also, sorry, Sade):
"I don't see what the problem is here. She wants to come over, and she acknowledged that it's too soon. You've basically done the deed, which for you is ejaculating in your own pants all over your leg and then apologizing profusely. Just maintain eye contact, light some scented candles, and throw on some Sade. The early stuff, though, before her arrangements got too baroque."

Explaining Jian-Yang's startup idea to Raviga, with plenty of shade in Monica's direction:
"The same [location] technology could also be used to create a real-time crowd-sourced map of an even worse segment of the population: smokers. Because let's face it: no one's ever died of secondhand heroin. With our app, users can locate and thus avoid these self-indulgent, self-destructive, negligent monsters."

Self-explanatory:
"I've always wanted to go to binding arbitration. Everybody who's ever sued me has settled out of court -- pussies."

HBO/Youtube

To Pied Piper's middle-aged CEO prospect, Jack Barker:
"I'm gonna beat him to death with his own titanium hips. Not just for me, but for Richard. Jack Barker, aka Action Jack. We meet at last. Erlich Bachman. Oh, really, [a big fan] of what? Metamucil? Polio? The phonograph? A nice piece of fish? Segregated water fountains? Senior citizen discounts at Perkins family restaurants? Erectile dysfunction? Because of corroded penile arteries? Deviled eggs as an entree? Liking Ike?"

With regard to Jared and his living situation:
"He's in the garage, like a sad bag of potting soil."

To Jian-Yang, trying to explain America's justice system:
"Of course he's going to go to court, you four-eyed turd."

On the company he co-owns:
"[Pied Piper] was a shitty idea. I'm not sure what it is now."

Regarding Dinesh's new treat-yourself purchase:
"That chain is insane. And not in the membrane."

Erlich and Pied Piper's defense attorney square off | HBO

To Pied Piper's attorney after learning he won't be able to testify:
"You have a Barrett 50-caliber rifle at your disposal that you can use to shoot Gavin Belson in the goddamn face, and you're not gonna use it? What kind of fucking attorney are you?"

To Pied Piper's attorney after testifying:
"It appears we're in good hands, because you don't seem to know shit. You're a mean and terrible attorney."

To Pied Piper's attorney during one of the Hooli trial's darker hours:
"Goddammit, Richard. In addition to stealing two of my four packs of Fage yogurt, your ship-jumping coder cunts happened to walk off with the rest of our toilet paper, so that -- hmm. Speaking of shit that can't be wiped away and flushed, how are you, Mr. 'Mohanahan'?"

Another one:
"I shan't be attending out of contempt, so this will have to serve as our goodbye. Don't let the door hit ya where God split ya."

To the real estate agent he briefly wanted to sell his house to:
"Madam, you do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home. A home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company keeping streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos. Does that sound like foolishness to you? So you can tell your clients, respectfully, that they can go fuck themselves."

To Donald, after strapping on his coding braces to maintain the condor feed:
"Jared, respectfully, shut the fuck up. I'm working."

After Richard slammed the Aviato car into a robotic Bambi:
"Fucking Stanford Robotics. Fuck your Bam-bot! You little Stanford cunts fucked up my grille... This one's for your mama."

Erlich disses Dinesh's chain | HBO

Chain diss No. 2:
"It's a shame, Bell Biv Dinesh, but unfortunately… that chain is poison."

To Big Head, after learning he inadvertently poached a potential incubee:
"I hope you own a skimmer, because there's a massive turd floating on the surface of your pool."

Evidently testing out his Louis C.K. references:
"Big Head is more useless than a bag of dicks without a handle."

What he thinks Richard looks like in a suit:
"Ventriloquist dummy."

To Big Head, after Raviga asks to interview him for a CEO position:
"Big Head, you can insult me all you want by involving your self-described shylocks, but to insult Richard and humiliate him, that's like kicking a child who's done nothing to deserve it. I may not be able to finish my ramen."

To Big Head, upon learning more about his Hooli severance deal:
"Why in the holy fuck didn't you tell me you signed an NDA, you sweet, helpless little piece of shit?"

To C.J. Cantwell, snarky Code/Rag writer:
"Going to jail for protecting your source would make you some kind of First Amendment hero. That's pretty much the best thing that can happen to a journalist. I know it is an inconsequential shit job. It doesn't really contribute to culture in any way whatsoever. We've established that you don't have any journalistic integrity, but what would it cost to buy you some?"

About himself, in his Code/Rag tell-all article:
"My head is so far up my own ass I can see the future."

To the Pied Piper team, about his deft PR uptick play:
"Suddenly it feels like time is slowing down. I could see every move I was going to make, 12 steps ahead. It was like I was Bobby Fischer, if he could really fuck."

To Richard, after revealing the truth of the Pied Piper uptick to Coleman Blair:
"I wanted you to fucking think about that before you paraded me around the whole fucking Valley to sell your lie -- and then suddenly grew a thick, girthy conscience and fucked me with it. All you had to do was keep your fucking mouth shut and sign that piece of paper. We would have fixed [the fake daily active users count] afterward. But you didn't. You caked your pants. No, better yet, you caked my pants. Fuck you, Richard Hendricks. Fuck you."

To Richard, in response to a question about Pied Piper's video chat numbers:
"You want a number? The percentage I give a fuck about you -- zero -- is trending steady."

To Monica, after learning she voted to demote Richard to CTO:
"At least the actual Judas had the courtesy to kill himself after betraying his leader, Jesus Christ. He's the CEO of the world. Ever heard of him?"

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Sean Fitz-Gerald is a staff writer at Thrillist Entertainment. Find him on Twitter: @srkfitzgerald.

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