Castle Black: Heeeere's Jonny!
Ser Davos, some Jon Snow loyalists, and his red-eyed wolf are about to take their last stand with Jon's body, as Alliser Thorne is literally busting down the door to get to his lily-white corpse. At the last minute, there is a banging on the gate into Castle Black. Could that be the sound of a giant ex machina coming to save them? It's really a giant and a bunch of the wildlings, who have arrived to protect their friend Jon Snow.
All right, I have no idea how the hell Edd got them to show up so quickly. Maybe Davos sent a raven ahead with 20 knife emojis followed by an ambulance emoji? It's unclear, but seemed entirely out of the blue. The best part of their entrance, however, was the one Night's Watchman who shot the giant with an arrow. Please. That's like trying to poison the drinking water of Las Vegas by throwing one tab of LSD over the Hoover Dam. That giant took the arrow out of his coat, put it in his pocket, and saved it for later in case he needed a toothpick after he feasted on a dinner of crow.
Meanwhile, the ancient cuckoo bird Melisandre is lounging around her room waiting to start reading her copy of AARP: The Magazine. She's sad because the Lord of Light failed her and she doesn't know what her powers are for. Boo-freakin'-hoo. As Davos points out, this lady queefed a shadow monster and she's mad because Stannis Baratheon turned out to be the loser we all knew that he already was. She's like a Bernie Sanders supporter the day after a Democratic primary.
Davos convinces the Red Woman to give her magic a shot, because she saw a priest do it once in a cave. Remember way back in season three? Probably not. And we didn't even get a courtesy shout-out in the "previously on Game of Thrones." We all knew what was coming next, even though it seems like it should be far too long for Jon Snow to be brought back to life. He's been dead for hours at this point. Isn't there some sort of statute of limitations on resurrection? Shouldn't the five-second rule apply to more than donuts that you dropped on the carpet?
Melisandre visits Jon Snow's naked body (save for a modesty cloth over his Valyrian steel). With all the dirty things that we've seen on this show, we can't see what Jon Snow has lying south of the Wall? She gives him a bath, cuts his hair, throws some of it in the fire, and then mumbles the magic words desperately over and over. It's like when you're trying to find that one PornHub video that's going to get you over the edge, and no matter how many clips you scroll past under the "MILFs eat dessert" tab, you just can't find the right one. Finally, like so many of us when PornHub fails us, she gives up and leaves the room to go watch the end of SportsCenter and maybe play some Xbox. As we all knew he would, that is when Jon gasps back to life.
But what does his coming back to life mean? So far we've seen Khal Drogo come back to life, and he was duller than a raver at the bottom of a bag of ketamine. Then the Mountain returned, and he's like some sort of Frankenstein beast who can't speak, will only defend Cersei Lannister, and likes to kill drunks as they're taking a leak against a wall. Then there is Beric Dondarrion, that crazy dude who came back in the cave while Arya Stark looked on back in Season 3. He seemed to be fine, but he said he's "a little bit less" every time he comes back.
Which of these will Jon be? I was sort of hoping he'd be like Wesley in The Princess Bride, where his friends have to cart him around for the final act while he slowly regains the use of his limbs. I'm assuming he'll be back to normal, because he's Jon Snow and they're not going to bring him back just to kill him again like they did to Khal Drogo.
But what will he be lacking if he's a little bit less? Is it whatever was laying underneath that tiny cloth? Is he now in the same club as Theon, Grey Worm, and Varys? Or maybe his wolf Ghost is going to die? Or maybe Jon was a ghost all along? SURPRISE!