Beyond The Wall

'Game of Thrones' Season 6 Premiere Recap: Avon Calling!

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HBO

Which dead character would you most like to see return to Game of Thrones? Cast your vote now in our high-stakes bracket tournament.

And beware: we're talking spoilers.

People will do some ridiculous things to look young. There are $300 bottles of moisturizer, there are laser peels that force you to stay out of the sun for a week, and there are injections of blood right into your face. And then there is whatever the hell Melisandre does with that magic necklace of hers.

Not only does the accessory appear to give the Red Woman smoother skin, it also gives her thicker hair, lifts her tits, fixes her posture, and takes off about 1,000 years of aging. It's like magical Spanx that go over her entire soul. Does she know how powerful that device is? Madonna would give her firstborn son if she could just get a small piece of the thing just to work on only her hands. Getting rid of her son isn't that big of a sacrifice -- he wants to live with Guy Richie anyway. She might give up her daughter for that whole necklace.

Welcome to the Real Housewives of Westeros, also known as Thrillist's inaugural Game of Thrones recap. We're off to survey the territories!

Melisandre, game of thrones spoiler
HBO

Castle Black: Snow problem

I haven't been this heartbroken about the demise of a Snow since the follow up to "Informer" didn't chart in the U.S. It appears that Jon Snow is actually literally dead, even though his direwolf Ghost is crying like a Belieber whose Twitter account just got hacked.

Ser Davos seems to be the only one in all of Castle Black who is paying attention, because he finds Jon's body way before anyone else on the Night's Watch. They take him into a room and knock everything off of the table like Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place preparing to get laid in her office. Davos (no affiliation to the World Economic Forum) and four of Jon's friends from the Night's Watch stand around looking at the body. Melisandre, still looking like a Cover Girl spokeswoman and rocking a serious red fashion cape, shows up all sad, looking like her boyfriend just dumped her and took her entire Siouxsie Sioux record collection with him. She's never the life of the party, but she was especially a downer here.

Davos, these four other dudes, and Jon's wolf are going to fight the Night's Watch because, I don't know, they're boys and they like to fight or something. Jon is dead, what good is fighting him going to do? If I were Davos, I would just take the new Lord Commander Thorne's offer of a bunch of food and be on my merry way. Instead, Davos is going to enlist the help of Melisandre. But she's not around. She's in bed. She's an old lady, that's what old ladies do: they watch The People's Court and they go to bed.

I have a lot to say about Melisandre in her room taking off everything in front of the mirror. It's like she was watching How to Get Away With Murder and saw Viola Davis win an Emmy for taking her wig off and was like, "OK, bitch. You ready for this?" Then she took off her magic necklace and immediately everyone was like, "OK, Fine. You win. We'll EGOT you if you put that back on. Please!"

Also, the mirrors in Westeros are totally shitty. She couldn't even see her nipples in that mirror. She probably doesn't think that she's as old and ugly as she really is. This woman can queef out a demon baby, but she can't get herself a decent reflective surface?

One last note on the Night's Watch. I love how Thorne told everyone that he killed Jon Snow and it was fine because he never disobeyed a direct order. Um, I think the order not to kill him was one of those tacit orders that you're supposed to understand without being told. It's like tipping at least 15%, standing on the right on escalator and walking up the left, and not farting in an elevator.

game of thrones recap - sansa spoilers
HBO

Winterfell: Avengers assemble!

It seemed obvious that Sansa Stark and the Artist Formerly Known as Theon Greyjoy would survive their season-finale jump off the ramparts at Winterfell. I'm guessing Sansa's super fierce running cape cushioned their landing -- she's wearing more layers than three plates of nachos as they're hauling ass through the woods. They eventually get to a freezing river. My first thought was, No! Don't do it! You'll ruin your cape! She thinks she's going to die fording the river like she's struggling through the later stages of Oregon Trail, but Theon is like, "Whatever. I got my dick cut off. This is nothing!"

When they get to the other side Sansa's cape is totally ruined and then everything that follows is an exercise in incompetency. Theon hears the bloodhounds and troops coming for them, and tries to lead them away; they find Sansa faster than you can say "Dickless Greyjoy." Then Brienne of Tarth shows up with her squire Podrick and does a pretty lousy job of killing all of the dogs and soldiers. Then she pledges herself to Sansa who can't get through the oath without some assistance from Podrick.

Now, Brienne did save the day, but this is now the third time we've seen her take this oath and the last two people she swore to defend are waiting to be resurrected by the White Walkers to fight in the army of the dead. Why would you trust her with your life? I wouldn't even trust her to dry out my running cloak!

Back at Winterfell, Roose Bolton is mad at that sadistic bastard (I mean that literally) Ramsay Bolton for toying with both Sansa and Theon and then letting them escape. Roose says that the Lannister army is going to come for them in the north and they'll have no claim with Sansa. Ramsay also tells a servant to feed his dead girlfriend to the dogs. God, I want someone to kill that Ramsay Bolton as badly as Madonna wants that magic necklace.

game of thrones recap - arya spoilers
Macall B. Polay/HBO

Braavos: Arya having fun yet?

Meanwhile in Braavos, Arya Stark has traded in her awful, boxy House of the Dead uniform for sack cloth and a begging dish. She still has the signature bob with one braid running along the side. We are reminded of her awful uniform from last season when that mean coworker of hers -- the Waif -- shows up wearing it and that same damn braid!

She throws Arya a staff and makes her fight with it like Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Arya is all, "Oh, I'm blind. Stop." And Donatella is all, "Whatever, I'm going to come beat you up again tomorrow. You better figure this shit out." Then Arya collapses on the floor and is grateful that she's blind so that she doesn't have to look at her outfit anymore.

game of thrones, prince doran martel,l ellaria sand
Macall B. Polay/HBO

Dorne: quick Sand

Across the Shimmering Sea in Dorne, Queen Bitch Supreme Bitch Ellaria Sand murdered Prince Doran Martell. (I promise I will make no dead Prince jokes. #TooSoon.) I love Ellaria and her daughters so much. Of course she took her daughter Tyene, the slutty short-haired one, with her to murder the prince. Tyene is so fierce, she just picks a dagger out of a dead man and then throws it at the page who is running away.

Meanwhile, Nym and Obara Sand are on a boat to kill Doran's son Trystane so that he can't lay claim to the throne. I love how Nym distracts him while Obara runs a spear right through his head. I also love how Nym is pissed at her greedy sister for robbing her of their kill. I love everything about them and I would gladly live in a kingdom controlled by the Sands. I would let them beat me and torture me and tell me how crappy and weak I am. Anything. I love the damn Sands so much.

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HBO

King's Landing: short hair, doesn't care

Can someone please get Cersei Lannister a wig? There is not one wig shop in all of King's Landing? That can't be true. Can't she at least get one of those crazy head wraps like Olenna Tyrell wears? She looks so bad with that short haircut that she's in her room just crying all over herself. Well, that and because her daughter is dead and her son is a wimp and no one cares about her except for her brother, who she has been banging for years, which is gross.

It seems like Cersei has given up. She's reminded of the old witch's prophesy that all of her children would die and that she would be supplanted by a younger, more attractive queen. But Jaime is literally like, "Fuck prophesy." He says that they're going to just kill the hell out of everyone, which is pretty awesome.

Cersei shouldn't be that worried about Margaery, because she's still in the dungeon asking to hang out with her gay brother Loras, who is also in the dungeon, at least as far as we know. All Cersei has left is Tommen, the Lady Edith of King's Landing, all blonde hair and tortured despair. Things are not looking good for the Lannisters, but if I know Cersei she's got something up her voluminous sleeve.

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HBO

The Dothraki Sea: gone girl

This week's journey wraps up with a return to the lands across the Narrow Sea. First up, it's Meereen, where Tyrion is walking like a rich person with Varys and threatening to eat the babies of peasants. The city continues to fall apart since Khaleesi took off on a dragon and never returned. They sank her battleships!

Somewhere outside the city, Jorah and Daenerys' boyfriend Daario are tracking her via charred animal carcasses and Daario is all, "It must suck to be in love with her when she's going all Surfbort on my D." That Daario is a jerk -- a real hot jerk. Jorah finds her ring and knows instantly that a Dothraki horde must have taken her, because who in their right mind would pass up a ring as amazing as hers unless it was a bunch of shirtless dudes in Tom of Findland leatherwear and tribal tattoos? (P.S.: Has anyone ever noticed that with the leather and the crappy tribal tattoos, the Dothraki look like they just stepped out of a gay leather bar?)

He is right. Dany is walking alongside some horses and listening to two Dothraki bros go on about her "white pussy hair." Worse, her white dress is missing the Gwyneth Paltrow cape that made it so awesome, and it's covered in soot and stains. At least she's still wearing her dragon necklace, which was the best necklace on the whole show until we found out about Melisandre's magic necklace and now just looks like some piece of shit she got at Claire's for $9.99.

Eventually, she goes before Khal Moro, who has the two meanest wives you ever did meet. They're like the female Dothraki Statler and Waldorf on The Muppet Show, sitting at his side just sniping at Dany and being pissed that she looks way better than they do. They want her dead because they think that she's a witch, but after she spends 13 hours telling them all of her names and titles, he realizes that she's the widow of a Khal, which means that no one can rape her, including himself. I thought getting to marry Khal Drogo was its own reward, but it also comes with a Get Out of Rape Free Card. Who knew?

However, he's going to send her off to the capital city of Vaes Dothrak so that she can live in the Temple of Dosh Khaleen, which is where all of the widows of dead Khals live. God, that sounds worse than being forced to shop at Marshall's for the rest of your life. It can't be good if she's going to be forced to live with a bunch of old women forever, especially if none of them have any magical necklaces to hide the ravages of time.

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Brian Moylan previously ranked Real Housewives for Thrillist and is younger than Melisandre. Find him @BrianJMoylan.