My Girlfriend and I Got Busy Using a Cannabis Lube
Women aren't supposed to laugh while you're having sex with them.
But sure enough, I was doing sex with my girlfriend and she was laughing like she had just heard the funniest joke in the world. I like it when she laughs -- just not when we're "eff you (Louie) CKing." Did I mention she was crying a few minutes later? So yeah, that was our sex life on Foria. And it only got crazier from there.
What the hell is Foria?
Foria is “liquid coconut oil and lab-tested cannabis oil from California grown marijuana,” as their website explains. So basically, “weed lube.” For the first time in America it's available for recreational use -- and can be purchased exclusively at all Colorado locations of Native Roots, a high-end dispensary with eight locations. My girlfriend heard about its imminent release and politely inquired as to whether I could get a bottle for her.
Oh, and men are not affected by this product. It does not get them high in any way. Only women can feel its full effect. It gives them intense orgasms and makes them more lubricated. Men are just there for the ride. Um, literally.
Foria comes in a box made to look like the kind of expensive perfume I can't afford to buy for my girlfriend. This, however, was $44 for a tiny bottle... which actually sounds a lot like buying expensive perfume. But this stuff practically guaranteed to give her mind-blowing orgasms, so suck on that Dior's J'adore Eau de Parfum.
How to use Foria
She rubbed the oil on her lady parts before we got intimate. Unlike the lube you get in a drugstore, you don't want to use it in the heat of the moment. It's similar to consuming a pot brownie, where you have to wait for it to take effect. Foria recommends women spray it 3-4x on their genitals, and then wait 20-40 minutes before intercourse to get the full effect. That delayed reaction will give you plenty of time for foreplay -- or if you've been together for more than a year, plenty of time to watch the Friends episode where Chandler feels uncomfortable at Joey's tailor on Netflix.
Foreplay on Foria
We fooled around for a little while. I went South for a bit, and to no surprise at all, she tasted like weed. I vaguely remembered hearing that ingesting it orally could get me high like any edible, so I didn't do that for long. When I touched her, she was noticeably more (Ed Note: ready to do sex) than usual. The full effect of Foria hadn't kicked in for her yet, but things were about to get intense.
Doing sex on Foria
It's tough for intercourse to be bad, but it was definitely better than usual for me. At this point, the Foria was starting to affect her. "It's not like a body or a head high” you'd get from smoking, she said. Rather, the pleasure was localized to her privates.
She was also laughing during this part, which was a bizarre experience for me, but a great one for her. She explains, “I started laughing because the feeling was so euphoric. It was almost like my body had never felt anything like that before.”
Orgasms on Foria
I'll just let her explain: “An orgasm with Foria feels like the most amazing thing your body has ever felt in your whole life. I can't explain it -- it's out of this world. And I truly mean that. It leaves you feeling breathless.”
From my perspective, it looked like she was experiencing the strongest orgasm she'd ever had. Her face looked like she was in another world. She had about five orgasms, after which she started crying. I asked her, “These are tears of joy, right?” Thankfully, she said they were AND PEOPLE CAN'T LIE ABOUT THAT STUFF.
She explained later, “I could feel all the pain and stress being released from my body. Normally when I have orgasms, it's great, but this time it was emotional.” She felt cleansed.
What she felt like afterwards
“I'm still feeling jubilant. I'm still feeling a high, but not in the sense of a drug high.” Even 10 minutes after we'd finished, she was still trying to catch her breath.
So would she do it again?
“This is what orgasms should be. They should release you. A lot of women don't let their whole body naturally get into sex because there's all sorts of insecurities holding them back, and it stops them from having that sort of release that men have. It's important for women to have that too. This is a game-changer.”
She's not kidding. She laughed, she cried, and she made me jealous that the best sexual enhancement drug men have just gives you a boner for four hours.
Jon Sumpson occasionally writes about marijuana-related issues for Thrillist, and thinks if there was a Foria for men, most of them would quit their jobs to stimulate themselves all day.