Entertainment

The 15 Best Gilfoyle Quotes on 'Silicon Valley'

gilfoyle silicon valley
Martin Starr as Gilfoyle, probably prepping a mean comeback | Ali Paige Goldstein/HBO
Martin Starr as Gilfoyle, probably prepping a mean comeback | Ali Paige Goldstein/HBO

Mike Judge's Silicon Valley is a show about idiotic geniuses. Almost every cast member, whether it's faithful(?) Pied Piper leader Richard Hendricks (Thomas Middleditch), the incredibly awkward Jared (Zach Woods), or unscrupulous Jian Yang (Jimmy O. Yang), offers up hilarious moments, but no character is as consistently amusing as Martin Starr's extremely apathetic, LeVeyan Satanist systems architect Bertram Gilfoyle.

Starr is the king of deadpan, as fans of the comedic actor have known since his days as Bill Haverchuck on Freaks and Geek, and the writers for the HBO series clearly love giving him cutting and often politically incorrect one-liners to take down Dinesh (Kumail Nanjiani) in particular. As the show comes to an end with its sixth season, we've rounded up Gilfoyle's best lines from the entire show.

After he masterfully owns Dinesh by scamming him out of money that he accidentally invested in his cousin's startup:
"I’m effectively leveraging your misery. I’m like the Warren Buffet of fucking with you."

When Monica is forced to bear bad news:
"I’m sure you can find your way out with one of your two faces."

How he responds when billionaire Russ Hanneman spends way too much on a logo and asks if he knows what "synergy" means:
"Does it mean taking a stack of cash and lighting it on fire?"

His advice to Dinesh when he cannot keep his chill around women:
"Pretend you’ve seen a woman before."

When Dinesh is horny for the code he thinks the woman he's been crushing on programmed:
"I wrote that code. You said you were in love with her mind. You realize what's going on right? It's not her you're sexually attracted to. It's my code... Just face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code. You're code gay."

When Pied Piper appears to fuck up publicly in front of everybody at the TechCrunch competition:
"At least it didn’t happen in a public and brutally embarrassing way."

His advice on how to hack into a company's system and find dirt on them, while also slamming their competence:
"If you're the CEO of a company, and you're dumb enough to leave your log-in info on a Post-It note on your desk, while the people that you ripped off are physically in your office, it's not a hack. It's barely social engineering. It’s more like natural selection."

How he ensures Richard stays humble, even after his company's finally secured funding and a fancy new office:
"It's hard to believe your pathological inability to make a decision finally paid off."

When Dinesh exclaims, while playing Solitaire on six monitors using a VR glove, that he feels like he's in The Minority Report:
"Except in reality, you're just a minority."

His suggestion on how to best fend for yourself when robots take over:
"If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself."

When Dinesh's bright idea of spending his paycheck is buying not-so-hot gold chains:
"Oh, great. So, you can go back to the car wash and buy some more chains. Huh, Pakistani Mr. T?"

When Dinesh thinks he's video chatting the girl of his dreams, until the screen unfreezes, she actually gets a good look at his face, and proceeds to log off because she has plans with her "fiancé":
"Either she froze time, met and married the man of her dreams, unfroze time, and hopped back on to vid chat with you, or... you're the dogface. Which do you think it is? I'm on the fence."

The most effective merchandise review since Miranda Priestly, of Jared's Pied Piper jacket:
"If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket."

How he ridicules Dinesh, after he reluctantly asks to be the CEO of Pied Piper:
"Spoken like a true leader. But since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not, I get rich. So I'm down with it, Dinesh."

When Jared asks what it is that he does (and unintentionally steps on his toes):
"What do I do? System Architecture. Networking and Security. No one in this house can touch me on that. But does anyone appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a cappella at Sarah Lawrence, I was getting root access to NSA servers. I was a click away from starting a second Iranian revolution. I prevent cross site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The internet, heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data a minute, do you have any idea how that happens? All of those YouPorn ones and zeros streaming directly to your shitty little smart phone day after day. Every dipshit who shits his pants if he can't get the new dubstep Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds. It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me ensuring your packets get delivered unsniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do. … Listen, wherever we end up here, I just want to say that I feel I should get more equity than Dinesh."

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Sadie Bell is the entertainment editorial assistant at Thrillist. She's on Twitter at @mssadiebell.