Because sex tips don't just grow on trees, women's magazines exist to help you spice up your love life. Well, maybe not yours, because you probably bone all the time and are super hot, but the rest of America needs these tips to keep things fun. And while sex doesn't especially need food to be exciting, these magazines demand you bring the contents of your refrigerator into the bedroom. Here are the unsexiest examples of that.
Champagne and nipple play
“Celebrate—and titillate—with some bubbly. Take a sip from an icy-cold glass of champers, then roll your tongue and lips over his nipples. The cold restricts his capillaries and leads to sinful sensations." - Cosmopolitan.com
Restrict his capillaries too much, and he’ll die. Congrats, you’re a murderer. A murderer who’s really good at sex!!!
Chocolate sauce in bed
“Bring chocolate sauce to bed. Dribble it any body you need him to pay more attention in order to orgasm.” - Cosmopolitan.com
Did the person who wrote this have their capillaries restricted too much? Because this makes no sense. Or is this for an orgy, and you're supposed to draw the guy's attention away from yourself and towards other... bodies.
Thai food and Starbucks as foreplay
“Perhaps what you want is for him to bring over Thai take-out every time he visits; maybe it's lattes; possibly you want him to rip you a copy of whatever new album he has recently downloaded. Whatever the case may be, remember: He is SOO lucky that he gets to have no-strings-attached sex with you.” - MarieClaire.com
Is this a sex tip or a way to get free Starbucks?
Frosting and whipped cream fun
“#tbt it with some whipped cream. Spray whipped cream wherever you want him to kiss for an extra-delicious experience, then return the favor. Chocolate sauce and frosting work too.” - Glamour.com
In a rush? Have him eat an entire cake in front of you. Then fuck his brains out.
Asparagus & beets as aphrodisiacs
“Asparagus. Filled with Vitamin E, these green stalks help your body produce testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone—the hormone cocktail your body needs to response (sic) to his touch in physical ways, such [as] lubricating your nether regions.”
But will it make my pee smell like a compost bin at a Phish concert?
“Beets. When our friend Aphrodite needed a pick-me-up, she ate beets to enhance her sex appeal. But besides taking our cue from a woman who knew what she was doing, these veggies are also a natural source of boron, which helps to increase sex hormones. (In fact, some doctors prescribe it in place of hormone therapy!)” - Glamour.com
When a man checks out an attractive woman, the first thought that comes to mind is, “I wonder how much of her sex appeal is due to her having eaten beets in the last 24 hours.”
Raid the kitchen
"'I've found that simply taking your existing sexual preferences and moving them about the house can add a decent amount of excitement,' says Barry Newport of The Sex Factor. He suggests the kitchen countertop because it's 'a good source of sweets and other goodies that can be used during foreplay,' like chocolate and whipped cream." - Glamour.com
Unless your girlfriend is a vegan, then you’ll have to rub chia seeds on each other before you both decide it's weird and never have sex again.
Ice pops are mad sexy
“Grab one ice pop from the freezer, slowly unwrap it and start sucking and licking it seductively while staring into his eyes.” - Glamour.com
If you don’t have an ice pop handy because this isn't the freezer at your parents' house in '94, you can do this same move with a bag of freezer-burned peas. He’ll be none the wiser.
Herbs are aphrodisiacs too
“Cumin. Mixed with black pepper and honey, ancient Middle Eastern men drank it as a natural stimulant.”
95% of women who tried this tip were unable to perform intercourse with their partners, as the men were too busy laughing while saying the word “cumin” over and over again.
“Coriander/cilantro. Might be why Tex-Mex is my go-to date restaurant genre--and supposedly a fertility strengthener.” - Glamour.com
Because fertility is the first thing on your mind when you’re on your third Tinder date at Chili’s.