12 Ridiculous Things Google Thinks You Want to Know How to Do
Type anything into Google, and it will find you the answer. Unless the question is, "Why am I typing random things into Google when I should be doing the job my company pays me to do?", and then it probably won't know. Hey, we've all been there. But with other questions, Google's fancy autocomplete pops up with a few suggestions, so when you type in the phrase "how to" and any letter, it will show you plenty of weird stuff it thinks you want to know how to do. Here are the most ridiculous search results.
How to kiss
At first I thought, "Kissing is so easy! Do duckface and then put your lips on the other person's lips!" Perhaps I'm bad at kissing. Either way, the fourth result down is a YouTube video where two attractive lesbians give practical advice on how to kiss, and then I realized I've been kissing all wrong my whole life. I have to moisturize my lips! I have to chew gum! I have to, umm... they kiss a lot in this video and I've forgotten.
How to add fractions
I haven't needed to add fractions in a while because I have a phone that does it for me. Instead of typing into Google "add fractions," you could've spent that typing time calculating the answer to 1/3 + 1/2. It's 5/6. I know that because I went to MathIsFun.com, voted the world's most inaccurate URL by me, and it told me to multiply both the numerator and denominator by a number and then do some other stuff to it. Point is: it's pretty easy! We didn't need our phones after all.
How to fall asleep
This is strange because it's not "how to fall asleep faster" or "how to cure insomnia." It's "how to fall asleep." Pretty sure an android wrote this to try to blend in better with humans. Time actually has a great trick to fall asleep quickly doing the 4-7-8 exercise -- scroll down halfway through the article.
How to be happy
One hundred out of 100 people who read the first search result -- a link to a CliffsNotes version of a bunch of TED talks on happiness -- probably did not become happier after reading it. This article is like having the Dalai Lama as your therapist, and he counsels you to do impossible things like "stop chasing success and money" and "be grateful." While those are nice sentiments, you'll probably continue to chase money and take everything good in your life for granted.
How to have a boy
How is the first result not, "Step 1) have sex, and Step 2) cross fingers"? There are plenty of sites that offer tips that are not "cross fingers," with WebMD citing a study that says women who ate a specific diet gave birth to more boys.
How to love
Okay, pretty sure this was a lonely spambot who typed this question in over and over again, desperate to find the answer. I sure hope that spambot finds his Spamela Anderson someday. Most of the search results are about Lil Wayne's song, which sadly does not provide any definitive answers.
How to zoom in on Snapchat
I like to picture Snapchat as a 22nd-century company that makes some crazy Segway and people from the future are Googling this to figure out how to ride it in hyperspeed. Future me is asking future Google, "How to zoom to the grocery store on Snapchat." (Actually, most of the results teach you how to zoom in on a video you're shooting using the app.)
How to make money
Okay, maybe wanting to know how to make money isn't ridiculous. But if you're surprised that the first result is a guy from IWillTeachYouToBeRich.com trying to get you to give him money, and the second result is telling you to "sell your body parts," then you are a more hopeful person than I am.
How to Nae Nae
If you don't know (and I did not!), this is a dance inspired by Martin Lawrence's Sheneneh character, as are all good things. Anyway, the dance was huge back in 2014, but recently a video went viral in which a teenager and her dad "Nae Nae" together. It makes no sense, because the dad looks like Larry the Cable Guy in a cowboy hat. He comes in at :54 seconds and... pretty much nails it (for a dad).
How to pick a lock
Even criminals use Google! And they're staring at their phones in front of your house now, looking at this minute-long BuzzFeed tutorial that teaches them how to pick your lock with a bobby pin. Brb, going into my panic room.
How to quit smoking weed
How to screenshot
Do the people typing this in want a screenshot from a mobile device? A Mac? A PC? Do they literally want to shoot their screen because they're pissed at how well everyone else is Nae Nae-ing and they still can't do it? Luckily Take-a-Screenshot.org will tell them how to screenshot on almost any device.