I must wait to hear the results of the New York primary, as Inside Edition's lead story is, once again, dedicated to the saga unfolding behind the scenes of Live! With Kelly and Michael.
"Is Kelly Ripa boycotting her own show?" the anchor asks breathlessly. According to reports, Ripa called in sick because she's livid her co-host is leaving. An adult male with a lisp who writes for the internet says Kelly "threw a fit" and is "very, very hurt." My mind literally shuts off halfway through the story, desperate for air and relevance.
Next, a fitness coach is found brutally slain inside a church. Her killer was caught on surveillance video wearing tactical SWAT gear. But could the killer… be a woman?! "There's a lot of speculation based on gait" that it could be. Said gait is described as a "waddle."
Finally, I learn the results of the primary. It's a "big win" for Donald Trump, which elicits even bigger smiles from Diane. The program dedicates more time to the eventual freeing of a squirrel trapped in a wall ("That's one happy squirrel!" Diane, grinning like an idiot, says upon his release) than to its story about the primary, which mostly focuses on the fact that, due to Trump's landslide victory, "former Dancing with the Stars contestant" Marla Maples is now eligible to receive Secret Service protection. Secret Service protection has never been extended to an ex-wife before, for obvious reasons.
Little attention is paid to the Democratic candidates, other than a brief (and by "brief," I mean less than 10 seconds) mention that Clinton won. Approximately three minutes of airtime is dedicated to the existence of a woman who, in the process of eating Ruffles ("Ruffles… you know, the potato chips with the ridges," the anchor clarifies), discovered she had tonsil cancer.