Jennifer Lawrence loves pizza. Buy these shoes.
Everyone eats pizza. Pizza is our lifeblood. It’s a diet staple. It’s the entirety of the all-important food pyramid — grains, fruits and vegetables, dairy, and fatty oil all in one steamy, greasy, triangular piece of mouthwatering, oven-fresh heaven.
We want to eat pizza all day, every day and smother our bodies in bubbling mozzarella. But if you want to show your devotion without scaring the neighbors, we've got pizza shoes.
A true pizzatarian worships the slice and bows in the presence of the delivery guy. And yet, we’ve noticed a growing number of people who are pretending to be pizza devotees. But we want to raise awareness and shame the fakers. We’re not asking you to nominate friends to dump buckets of pizza grease on their heads (but if you do, send us a link to the video). We’re just asking you - yes, you - to take the time and really think about how much you love pizza.
Thing is, as any true pizzatarian knows, there is no middle-ground. One cannot simply “like” pizza. One either worships pizza, or does not know pizza. And yet, somehow we’ve noticed a growing number of people who are talking the talk but not walking the walk...
Though New York City mayor Bill De Blasio was born in Manhattan and is half Italian, his pizza consumption habits suggest otherwise. Thankfully, Jon Stewart put him in his place and taught him how to eat pizza like a real person. Never ever use a fork.
Perhaps most troubling is the recent tale of a London teen who evidently had never encountered pizza before, opening the box upside down and complaining to Domino's that he had received "just bread." What a dingus.
At times like this, to lower our blood pressure and calm our nerves, we choose to read the Gospel of Dan, a man who has survived on pizza and nothing but pizza for over 25 years. We admire his devotion and wish that we, too, could give our lives to pizza so fully. Our stomachs just wouldn't be able to handle it all...
But at least our feet can be constantly bathed in pizza glory, right?
Stay cheesy. Practice what you preach. Buy pizza shoes before they're gone.