"JonBenét [Ramsey] became Katy Perry," says professional truther Dave Johnson, in a video determined to expose the pop star's secret origin. "That’s a fact."
There are intrusive gossip stories, there are wacky grocery store conjurations ("Kim Kardashian Dates Batboy!"), and then there's the above jaw-dropping act of fawning delusion.
For those in need of context, JonBenét Ramsey, born in 1990, was a '90s child beauty pageant queen infamously murdered at the age of six. The case that was never solved. The media went nuts. Katy Perry, born in 1984, is a pop singer who overcame a stalled Christian music career to become an international superstar. Her music is cotton candy. The world adores her.
Dave Johnson is obsessed with both of them. Or her? He believes Ramsey and Perry are one and the same because... they both sing? Wear lots of make-up? Have similar contours in their face when you overlay their photos? Eh, the evidence isn't important. We just need to stop lying and admit the truth: America's current hitmaker faked her own death when she was six and masquerades in purple eye shadow. The world must know.
The claim so far-fetched and certain of its own" ugly truths" that its gruesomer implications are overcome by the sheer WTF-ness of it all. Johnson, whose YouTube page includes such investigative reports as "American US Civil 'war' Hoax NO one died no one hurt From war - a Harriet Tubman Joint" and "Actor 'Donald Trump' is actor 'Joe Biden' GET out of that WORLD my people," posted the video back in 2014. The internet is only just now catching wind of its absurdity, mesmerized as if it were a NASCAR pile-up exploding in slo-mo.
When Johnson starts unraveling the deeper meanings of the Ramsey family's "star-making plot," which involves the "Jewish idea of strangled meats," he achieves self-parody. The entire account could easily be a mockery of the actual truther-isms, but only because a dissection this outlandish fits right in along the legit paranoia running amok on YouTube, Facebook, and the web's foulest-smelling forums.
Let me help anyone now wondering if six-year-old JonBenét Ramsey really did reinvent herself as the voice of "Teenage Dream": no. Try to enjoy life.
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Matt Patches is Thrillist’s Entertainment Editor. He previously wrote for Grantland, Esquire.com, Vulture, The Hollywood Reporter, and The Guardian. He does not buy this theory, if that's not clear. Find him on Twitter @misterpatches.