Get a professional comedian to roast your friends online
Having an insult comic lay into your friends is hilarious, but too often they get passed over for a more interesting group, like, say, Middle Eastern guys ("Yo mama so fatwa, when she goes to the beach she blocks out the sunni. Shiiiiiite!"), or, um, white guys with red hair. Thankfully, you can now guarantee your friends get roasted thanks to Laughcake, a site where you can commission professionally funny folks to record personalized videograms to ruin birthdays, anniversaries, or any other milestone in three easy steps:
1.) Choose between a 45-second "slam/cheer", or a mini roast that'll last about a minute longer, unless the comedian's that good, in which case it may torment the recipient for a lifetime
2.) Pick from a growing roster of talent that currently includes Angry Bob (political satirist for CNN & MSNBC; Bored To Death), Sheba Mason (aka Jackie Mason's daughter), and Last Comic Standing's Stone and Stone, who ironically don't think attending Wesleyan was a joke
3.) Provide a few contextual details about the recipient (e.g., "he's really into the clubbing scene", "she's an exercise freak"...), whether you'd like it harsh or "toasty", and your deadline for approval, which they claim can be in as soon as two days, in case you need them Islammed quickly.