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A Mad Men Finale Recap by a Guy Who Has Never Seen an Episode

Published On 05/18/2015 Published On 05/18/2015
Don Draper
Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

***IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MAD MEN FINALE YET AND HATE SPOILERS, DON'T READ THIS. GO READ THIS SPOILER-FREE STORY ABOUT ICE CREAM.***

Editor's Note: Everyone and their mom, and some of their moms, can't wait to share their opinions on the Mad Men finale. But isn't it a little annoying to read the opinions of someone who knows more about the show than you do? What gives them the right to understand the literary allusions peppered throughout the show and the deeper meaning of it all??

That's why we got our pal Mike Jordan, who swears he loves TV, but nevertheless has never seen an episode of Mad Men, to recap the finale. Enjoy his completely entertaining and totally uninformed opinions! Take it away, Mike.

Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

On all of Joan's storylines in the finale

Cocaine and big breasts. I guess Christina Hendricks has a kid and a mother. Why is she with this old guy with the Tommy Bahama shirt? He’s pretty high. They’re not married.

There’s a pirate having dinner with Christina Hendricks. She does look great. He must not have endorsed the $50K check; she looks like she’s gonna cash it. He’s a dweeb.

So Christina Hendricks is starting an agency with the creative girl? And she was a secretary I assume? This is exactly like Boardwalk Empire.

Christina Hendricks and this old guy are beefing very softly about her being in power. She’s in power. This is her show. He’s mad that she’s answering the phone. He should shut the hell up and enjoy the fact that Christina Hendricks is hot and she’s gonna make all the money. What the hell?! He just left? This is STUPID. This is not real. I’m glad she’s like "eff this." Get the money, girl!

Flickr/Eva Rinaldi Photography

On the commercials during the finale

Oh sh*t, the N.W.A. movie is coming! Yes! Dude looks just like Ice Cube. This movie better be good. I wish this was on right now instead of Mad Men.

There weren’t this many commercials the first time when Jon Hamm was on the bed with those dudes. Now that I think about it, what exactly happened in that room on that bed [in the beginning of the episode]? Is Jon Hamm bisexual now? Why did they just cut that out? Am I to assume that he might have had sex with those dudes?

So now Michael Fassbender is such a good actor (he is a great actor) that we just automatically make him the Steve Jobs version of Michael Fassbender for another Steve Jobs movie? Didn’t Ashton Kutcher show us this isn’t the way? Seth Rogen looks sad; he’s probably still mad about The Interview and how he got Amy Pascal fired.

Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

On Sally telling Don about Betty's cancer

Don must have moved to Utah. His daughter is at college. She can’t tell him about the boy problems. Oh crap; mom’s dying. Lung cancer. She’s gonna die in six months, but he couldn’t know. His daughter can just tell him what time it is, like he’s the child. First-world problems of the '70s. Sally wouldn’t last at my grandmother’s house with that tone of voice.
 

On Don and Anna Draper's niece Stephanie

Dick?!? Who is this girl? She’s clearly a hippie. This is the '60s, right? This is mad boring. Jon looks like he’s doing all the coke. Jon is looking for some dude who ain’t there. How long has he known this girl? She’s just known him as Dick the whole time?
 

On Pete and Peggy's final scene together

This girl with the Christmas colors is weird. The guy with the cactus is rich, I guess. He got a new big job! The lady is creative apparently. That would make sense with the elf outfit. What’s up with that "I’ll be back; that thing better be alive," thing?
 

On what it feels like halfway through watching this show

A LOT HAS HAPPENED. It doesn’t seem like it. This sh*t is slow.

Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

On Don at the hippie retreat

This is so weird. They’re at a hippie commune. Where are the ad agency meetings? Why does she keep calling him Dick? This is stupid. Damn, Jon Hamm’s haircut is really good. His haircut is the co-star of the show besides Christina Hendricks.
 

More thoughts about the hippie retreat

What the hell is really good with the hippy stuff? People liked this show? I’m starting to think nobody’s gonna get shot at the end. Jon Hamm has said like 20 words. That lady in the green told her the truth. If she’s just walking out on her kids she’s a piece of sh*t. Dick is now talking about moving to LA. This guy needs some stability. Dick is gonna shoot himself.
 

On what he thinks will happen to Don Draper

Why is Jon Hamm dressed like Paul Bunyan? This is really, really dumb. He’s freaking out on the pigtail hippy girl. He’s in California now? I thought he was in Utah. So I guess he’s depressed and doesn’t know himself anymore. The creative girl is trying to talk him back and he’s having a moment. Are they having sex too? He just said he’s not the man she thinks he is. He did something bad. He broke all his vows. Scandalized his child. Took another man’s name and made nothing of it. He just called to say... goodbye. He’s gonna kill himself! He’s gonna jump off the building just like in the credits.

Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

On Peggy + Stan (sitting in a tree)

Zach Galifianakis is in this? Lorraine is tripping.

I guess the creative girl did have sex with Jon Hamm. Zach Galifianakis is done with her. He wants to kill her in the cute way. Jezebel is going to publish an essay about that this week. You can’t play like that in 2015.

This "I love you" crap seems pretty not-legit. So he just decides to go poetic after being called a failure? This is classic hipster angst. She’s learning in real-time, over the phone, that she’s been so silly and she loves him and let’s all smile. Stan is one of the Allman Brothers. His outfit smells like cedar through my TV. I feel like this is the moment we were all waiting for. I just got into an argument with my wife by calling BS on this whole moment.
 

On Don crying in the therapy session

Jon Hamm is sitting there in the hippy circle of trust looking just like I feel. Anything but here watching this. Why is everybody changing seats? The sad guy just made Jon Hamm look up. He’s staring at the dude. I guess he’s Jon Hamm’s narrator. He’s basically saying he’s like mustard in the refrigerator. People only want you on sandwiches. Now he’s crying. I want to cry too. I want a sandwich. Is Jon Hamm about to hug this dude or slap him? Yo. This is really weird as hell. My wife is now asking what the hell is going on too. We’ve never seen this together. I can’t feel this.

Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC

On the ending

Yo. They’re chanting. He’s found peace. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Now they’re singing the Coca-Cola song. Damn, these people look like they’re in a cult in this OG Coke commercial. Wait, what the f**k? It’s over?

My wife and I are arguing now. This sucks. My night is ruined. Thanks, Jon Hamm. This was a little too neat. I expected less "it’s all good" and more consequence. It’s like everybody who won was a deadbeat or a hippy. But the hippies lost, historically. Oh, and some people are gonna die from lung cancer.

As told to Lee Breslouer

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