"Gimmie Pizza Slow" stars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 30 today, June 13, 2016. They're accomplished, to say the least: after breaking out on Full House, building a media empire with several video franchises, and trying their hand at big-screen stardom for a hot New York Minute, the sisters transitioned to the fashion world, where they were already dominating the red-carpet scene. After several ad campaigns, a Walmart clothing line for preteen girls, and their high-end ready-to-wear label, the Row, the Olsens are worth $300 million and show no sign of returning to their pizza-loving days.
With that much in the bank, it's fair to conclude that the Olsens will remain pillars of the fashion industry and occasional tabloid fodder (see: their dating lives, the Fuller House meta-jokes, and lingering connections to the late Heath Ledger). They've won major fashion awards, fought for maternity-leave rights for factory workers, and donate to charities consistently. The Olsen twins are doing OK. But I don't know how you top "Gimmie Pizza Slow."
The legendary viral video does not require knowledge of the Mary-Kate and Ashley Cinematic Universe, though if you ever dedicated the time to understanding the twins' star appeal or were in their target demographic (or, like me, looked after a younger sibling who was), the enjoyment is transcendent. Like Mary-Kate and Ashley, I also turned 30 this month, and despite logging hundreds of meaningful moments since, I can recall most of the plot points in films such as You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Camp Out Party and The Case of the SeaWorld Adventure. What can I say, I learned early on to back down from any argument with an 8-year-old who considered Billboard Dad her Citizen Kane. In our house, Mary-Kate and Ashley movies were on constant loop, and Mary-Kate and Ashley's Sleepover Party, the series' first, was a borderline enjoyable, vicarious pleasure for me.
I could almost be nostalgic for Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Others with the same harbored knowledge are, still obsessed with Mary-Kate and Ashley circa 1997. Fuller House is Netflix's biggest series to date -- no coincidence. This is kid-actor-fueled nostalgia in a nutshell. Our childhood moments crystalize in the past, and carry on into the future. People "grew up" with the Olsens. People will celebrate their 30th birthday with heartfelt tributes. And people cherish the time they saw Double, Double, Toil and Trouble on ABC Family. Never forget.
Thankfully, there's "Gimmie Pizza Slow," a demonizing inversion of youth culture, an antidote to never-ending nostalgia, a rite of passage for the actual Mary-Kate and Ashley, who saw their squeaky-clean personas sacrificed at the internet's altar. As of the twins' 30th birthday, 6.5 million people have watched philipmserious' video, and for most, it has replaced memories of Mary-Kate and Ashley's original movie contributions.
Scraping my brain of extraneous Mary-Kate and Ashley trivia, actually growing up and turning 30, is a chore. I'm prepared to let diabolical YouTubers do some of the work. On the Olsens' birthday milestone, let's rewatch "Gimmie Pizza Slow" and remember: nothing is sacred, nothing should be, and pizza is extremely delicious.