So warns the wince-inducing first trailer for Netflix's The Package -- that "teen loses his penis" movie Ben Stiller and the Workaholics guys produced. Written by Kevin Burrows and Matt Mider (Gentlemen Lobsters), and directed by Jake Szymanski (Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates), this coming-of-age (sure?) comedy sends a group of teenage friends on a spring break camping trip, where drinking leads to a series of bad decisions -- namely, urinating while operating extremely sharp cutlery. What ensues: "a race against time to save their friend's most prized possession." And maybe some life lessons. (Probably not the kind that'll change your life, but perhaps the kind that'll help you forget, for 90 minutes, that the world is burning. Don't quote us.)
Fans of Superbad and Game Over, Man! -- the latter of which also notably included a severed hog --might be in for a treat. The Package was made with those adventures as inspiration, another tale of friendship, seasoned with healthy dashes of raunch and... "Holy crap, I can't believe what I just did to my dick" face:
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The trailer tries to be coy, but, surely, this isn't the face of someone who lost their pinky toe whilst watering the plants. This poor soul is Eduardo Franco, by the way, whose character looks to learn his particular life lesson the hard way. He'll scream-cry alongside fellow stars Daniel Doheny, Geraldine Viswanathan, Sugar Lyn Beard, Alexander Calvert, Sadie Calvano, and Luke Spencer Roberts while you ask, "Will these heroes be able to save their friend's friend? Or will it be RIPenis for this poor fella?" Find out August 10, when The Package hits Netflix.
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Sean Fitz-Gerald is a staff writer at Thrillist Entertainment. Find him on Twitter: @srkfitzgerald.