Episode 9 -- Shelley
"Texan gal Shelley is throwing a summer party for her daughter Mikayla [sic] that must be memorable!"
The episode opens with Shelley, horrifically made up and wearing a parrot-esque feather boa, riding into the party on a horse. She's Tammy Fae Bakker as Lady Godiva.
She has changed the theme of the party at the 11th hour: it is now a "disco ho down."
30 seconds into the intro, I'm already as engaged as I am horrified. This is true garbage television. Christ, I think, it only took them nine fucking episodes.
Dave, Shelley's husband, is distantly supportive of his wife's whims. "He's fishing a lot these days," Shelley vaguely states, "But he has a soft spot for all of us." He resembles a more Cro-Magnon Jay Leno.
Mikayla is 12. She has two sisters, who Shelley speaks of highly. "We have a fourth adopted daughter," Dave says, "Tanya. I don't want to call her a babysitter, because she's more than that." Tanya is not seen nor spoken of again in the episode.
Mikayla is not amused by the disco ho-down theme. "This is just one in many disappointments in your life," Shelley comforts her.
"I've decided for my grand entrance, I'd like to come in on a horse," Shelley says, wide eyed, while wearing a Vegas showgirl headdress. Her behavior implies that she's on day two of a manic bender, just getting started.
DRAMA ALERT: Dave abandons the family to go fishing, right in the middle of party planning. I get the impression he does this a lot.
A scene wherein Dave and Shelley argue over her removal of a play structure from their backyard is the most forced I've seen in the series yet, which is certainly saying something. He, in a literal sense, yells, "Shelley!" to the heavens like a goddamned sitcom character. She diffuses the situation by promising him "a little somethin' somethin" in exchange. Shudder.