11 Quintessential Quotations From Californians About Traffic

It’s been estimated that people in big cities like DC, LA, and SF spend more than 60 hours stuck in traffic every year, and another 60 hours per year complaining about it. Since Southern California is particularly full of people who love talking about traffic (to be fair, they're also suffering from it), we’ve rounded up the 11 best quotations from current and former SoCal residents about the phenomenon.

Conan O'Brien

“There is a rumor that the San Diego Chargers might move to Los Angeles. The Chargers could be here for the 2016 season, or the 2017 season depending on traffic.”
-- Conan O’Brien, comedian

“Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds -- one billionth of a second and one trillionth of a second, respectively -- the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs between the traffic light turning green and the driver behind you blowing his horn.”
-- Johnny Carson, comedian

“I’m the worst person to be stuck with in a traffic jam.”
-- Larry King, broadcaster (and we believe him)

“I think that traffic kills empathy. Hear me out: have you ever been stuck in traffic for 25 minutes and then it just dissipates for no reason at all and then you have that moment where it’s like, ‘That was about fucking nothing? Are you serious? Nothing?’”
-- Marc Maron, comedian

“I've never had any bad road-rage experiences. I have seen it though, and I've chased people, too. If someone cuts me off I'll fucking chase 'em down as much as the next guy. Would I get physical? Yeah, if I was mad enough."
-- Dave Grohl, musician

“In just a couple more days they’re going to close the freeway, and you won’t be able to go anywhere on the 405. As opposed to when it’s open and you can’t go anywhere on the 405.”
-- Jay Leno, comedian, on Carmageddon

“I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice? Never quite sure, ‘Is this the best lane for me? For my life?’ They're always a little bit ahead of you, ‘Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there?’ ‘Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.’
-- Jerry Seinfeld, comedian, in "The Ex-Girlfriend" episode of Seinfeld

George Carlin
Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic for HBO/Getty Images

“I drive kinda recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicles, and I don’t believe in traffic laws. So I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents. And last week I either ran over a sheep, or I ran over a small man wearing a sheepskin coat.”
-- George Carlin, comedian

“In LA, I don't really want to go out because traffic sucks so bad. I'm sorry, I'm not going to spend five hours a day in my car...”
-- Holly Madison, reality show personality

“Life is too short, I feel trapped
Hoping I don't get caught, watch my back
Lost in the traffic, heartless and tragic
Don't wanna get my ass kicked
So I walk in this mindless state, and this don't make me feel this way
I'll tell ya
Life is a traffic jam, I'm stuck
When will you realize you’re fucked?”

-- 2Pac, rapper, in “Life Is a Traffic Jam”

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield,' but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”
-- Mitch Hedberg, comedian, who was never a Californian, but we don’t care because this is the best joke about traffic ever written

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Lee Breslouer is a senior writer for Thrillist and thinks Hedberg definitely had a California vibe to him. Follow him to bumper-to-bumper laughz: @LeeBreslouer.