Master confectioner R. Kelly has bequeathed another not-at-all-sexual metaphorical gem upon the world in the form of "Cookie", an ode to sweet, delicious desserts that is not at all making highly direct metaphors to specific parts of the female anatomy. On the track -- full of Auto-Tune vocalizations that simulate Sesame Street characters that are definitely not used to promote sexual congress -- Kellz declares himself a "Cookie Monster" who wants to lick the creamy white goodness from between two black wafers that are definitely cookies and in no way stand-ins for any part of the female anatomy whatsoever. Below are some of the very sweet lyrics Kellz drops on the song, the first cut from his upcoming, slightly more transparently named Black Panties.
All of the definitely-not-sexual references in R. Kelly's definitely-not-sexual new single "Cookie"
"Mmmmmm, like an Oreo. I love to lick the middle like an Oreo".
Man, who doesn't love to lick the middle of an Oreo? Especially when it's all wet and covered in delicious milk? This song's making me hungry already!
"Cookie cookie cookie, I'm a Cookie Monster/Break your back, crack it open like a lobster..."
Like when Cookie Monster started promoting veggies, Kellz does a great job of promoting healthy eating... no cookies until you've eaten your dinner!
"I wanna bite it, and get inside it til I get you gone"
We're still talkin' cookies, right? How exactly can you get inside a cookie? Man, this guy is good.
"Girl I got a sweet tooth/Ain't nothin' sweeter than you/ I'mma beat it up, eat it up, till you holler out 'truce'"
This R. Kelly is a real sweetheart, and one with a sweet tooth! He's like Winnie the Pooh... always thinking about honey and forgetting to wear pants.
"My bed can be your stage, and I'mma make you a star/Your legs in the air, my hands all off up in your cookie jar"
What kid hasn't had his hand in the cookie ja... wait a minute... oh dear lord! How did he get his whole hand in there?!